Long, vulnerable TMI post

I have the soul of a memoirist. My compulsion to write about my experiences overtakes me. I've never been one to hide much of my garbage or struggle. I'll put it all out there without shame. I only hold back when my vulnerability exposes someone else that may not be so excited about full disclosure. I hate pedestals. If I do not give you a full picture of the ups and downs and struggles and joys, you will be tempted to put me on a pedestal like every other person you read or fb friend you have that only shares the smiles and you wonder how their lives are so much better, easier, more beautiful than yours. I refuse to do that. I have done my best to reveal the depths of my humanity and struggle as I aspire to carrying and revealing the greatness, glory, love, and beauty of Creator God through my uniqueness. We are all human. We ALL struggle. Some of us can hide it better than others. But no matter your title, religion, level of enlightenment, or education, every single human being lives a life of ups and downs. Some of us manage that more peacefully than others, but the fact remains. So here's just a little more of the depths of my real struggle.

I have always struggled in our marriage. No shock to anyone there. I've been afraid, hurt, triggered, angry, mean, hard. I've yelled, screamed, raged, kicked a hole in the wall, punched and spewed death at my husband. In recent years, I've had long periods of keeping a lid on it all, doing the right things, responding the way I was supposed to, trying to let go. But invariably, I would be triggered and the dark would fly out.

No one else on the planet has experienced this from me. My kids have observed it and have been the recipients of some of my frustration and yelling but not even remotely close to the degree that I have unleashed on Heath. I tried everything to change. I had anybody who knew how to pray for deliverance, pray for me. I've gone to counseling with professionals and laymen. I confessed this hideous side of me to countless people. I read every book on anger management and non violent communication that I could get my hands on. Nothing worked for long.

I am deeply sorrowful for the pain I inflicted on my husband over the last 17 years. I truly hope he will choose to heal and forgive. He is a good man who deserves adoration, love, support and kindness all the time. I have not been that person.

I have felt like the biggest hypocrite on the face of the planet. The last ten years have been a journey of learning to give and receive unconditional love. I've had powerful moments of pouring out what I truly believe to be Divine Unconditional Love on my children, students, friends, strangers, foreigners, prisoners, people all over the globe and from all walks of life. And it was real. And people were changed.

I come home and all I feel is anger and strife. Am I a fake? Am I bipolar? Am I the biggest hypocrite on the planet? I have not been able to reconcile this struggle. I believed for all these years that the real me was the one I am with my husband at home, because, after all, it's my most consistent exposing relationship. If I can't figure it out there, then everything else must be a show. But I genuinely never feel like I am putting on a show for anyone or for any reason outside my home. I concluded that the real me was just angry and hard and if anyone had to actually live with me consistently, they would all eventually be the recipients of this Dr. Jekyll - Mr. Hyde behavior.

The last two months, through my healing journey of body, soul, and spirit, I have realized massive things about myself. I AM loving. I AM a light bearer. I AM kind. I AM a life giver. I AM full of the glory and goodness and Spirit of God. I AM a great mom. THAT is the real me. And the sad revelation is that I have been the fake at home with the person I have spent the most amount of time with. I chose to do that because I did not want to hurt him with the truth of what I think and feel. So I held it all in. I chose to do that because I wasn't allowed to be fully me under the confines of the religion I was part of. I chose to do that because I believed I didn't have any other choice. And the irony of the whole thing is that I hid the authentic me in order to protect my husband. In "protecting" him I created the very environment that caused me to act like a caged and wounded animal, lashing out at him for all kinds of triggering events.

I am finished pretending. I am finished stuffing everything I need to say and all that I truly feel. I do not know where this path will lead for us. But for the first time in 17 years, I do not feel angry or trapped or afraid or a fake. I must be honest with myself . . . everywhere, all the time. The journey forward looks rocky and painful. But I'm not afraid. I am finally at peace in the deepest places of my soul. And for the first time in 39 years, I do not feel one ounce of anger or rage hiding inside of me waiting to erupt. With the decision and strength to finally be authentic, the drain that had been plugged and stopping up all the emotion of anger was released and it completely drained out of me. It feels miraculous on the most monumentous level.

Feel free to pray, send light, love, kindness to us. But please refrain from sending judgment, advice, messages of how to proceed either in thought form or email or texts. Please remember your analysis cannot be based in the truth of where we are, for you don't know all the details. Your judgments and conclusions will be triggered by your limited observations, information, ideologies, and belief system's definitions of what a relationship needs to be. This is the best and most authentic place we could ever be. If we ask for your help, you are welcome to join in our personal working out of this journey. If we don't, I value your respectful and life giving thoughts sent to us through prayer alone.

If our struggle forward nullifies for you the truths, love, light or hope that we have tried to communicate through the last 17 years of our marriage to our world, I feel sad that you would hold another human to a level of perfection that no one can or does attain before they can be light bearers or life givers. And therein has been my fear of being the hypocrite who would have the power to undo someone's faith by my inability to maintain a certain standard of holiness. If my actions, mistakes, human struggle can undo your faith, please consider reevaluating the focus of your faith.

I am not being this vulnerable because I need help. I am not exposing our struggle because I want advice. I am not showing you the shit because I need judgment. And if I feel like you're making me a project, I will go absolutely crazy. I am revealing my life and journey because I know that I am not the only person who has gone or will go through these difficulties. And we need to know we're not alone. So I write for you, the one who can relate and finds comfort in knowing that you are not crazy or alone. My love is sent to each of you. Thank you for loving us in our messiest, darkest places.