Being Seen

I very recently had an intense and difficult interaction with someone I allowed to take an authoritative role in my life. I have strong and well thought through beliefs and opinions. I generally only express them when I've been asked and if the person asking feels safe (meaning NOT argumentative) or if I'm in a teaching/sharing position. The flip side of that resolve is that I am also very open minded and seek truth, freedom and light more than comfort and the illusion of having life and God all figured out. I want to learn from you and grow.

There is one personality type that manages to bulldoze me every time. I walk away feeling completely unseen, misunderstood, and without choice. And though my opinion doesn't change on the matter, I feel I must obey or endure the anger and disappointment from the authoritative, controlling personality. Receiving anger or disappointment from someone I respect or am in relationship with triggers some of the deepest sadness in me.

Well, in this healing journey of the entirety of my being, this is one area that has the spot light. Of course now would be a good time to speak my authentic self to a person who greatly intimidates me. Ugh. I was scared to tell this person what I needed to say. I was scared of her anger, feeling like I was disappointing her, and scared of her trying to talk me out of my decision. I'm almost 39 years old and there I am feeling like I'm seven. YUCK! I needed to conquer this.

Fortunately, I had a friend walk me through it before and after. They were an empowering presence for me in the situation. And I did it! I said what I needed to say, and I endured the wrath. And it felt like shit. And I cried a lot. And I let the tears flow.

A few days after that, I was at my acupuncturist. Sketching the scenario for her, I said, "I know stronger personalities would be able to handle this situation much better than I."

She stopped what she was doing and looked directly into my soul as she said, "You are not weak. You do not have a weak personality. Open, vulnerably sharing of yourself, desiring real and deep connection, YES. Weak, NO."
T E A R S.

I'm not sure why it took a virtual stranger seeing into me, speaking life and truth into my being that made the shift, but I have had a couple intimidating person scenarios since that day and the shift in my confidence to speak my truth is completely recognizable. I am changed because of the truth she saw and spoke into me. I choose to believe her perception of me over the old one that created a cowering version of the strong woman that I actually am. Thank you, Paula! I am so thankful for you.