That afternoon, I had a counseling appointment. I ran the scenario by him. He gave me three things all children need from a parent. It has radically shifted my focus with my kids and brought clarity to my goals with them.
Kids need:
1. TO FEEL LOVED: They need me to have my heart wide open with them, pouring out the emotion of love on them even at their worst. They need me to keep my heart soft even when I'm afraid they may end up sleeping on my couch until they're 40, or when they exhibit behavior that triggers fear of any kind in me. They need me to not simply DO loving things or try to make them happy. They need to FEEL love. I can do that. I can keep my heart open so the emotion of love can pour through me into them.
2. THEIR EMOTIONS VALIDATED: even the craziest, irrational, dark emotions. . . maybe mostly those. I can give them boundaries for the expression of those crazy emotions but they need to hear me say with all of my being that I understand and hear them and validate every wild, hormonal high and low. I can do that, too. It's what I want done for me.
3. AFFIRMATION THAT I WILL NOT ABANDON THEM: [AND THERE'S MY EPIC FAIL] I actually laughed when he said the last one because of what I had told my son earlier that day. But he assured me it would all be ok if I simply went back and affirmed that I am here for him no matter what. And sometimes being here for them may mean I need space or boundaries. At times there are certain family situations that may call for drastic intervention on the part of the parents for the safety of the child. But even then, the heart of connectedness and not abandoning them must be clear even if it isn't comprehended in the moment.
These have shifted the atmosphere of my home. The rest is just details.
Of course, Judah man did not want to be in the picture!
You know, it strikes me too that every kid needs a parent that is not perfect in fulfilling all of these areas but that is on a trajectory of growth and is humble enough to come back and amend failures. I think, no...I know, that your kids are learning that obedience is worship and so is getting back up after failure. You do this so beautifully. And if I can see that from this far away, I wonder how beautiful what you perceive as "mess" actually truly is up close. I love your heart.
ReplyDeleteTraci, I am so grateful for your friendship and encouragement. Your responses speak life into me every time. Thanks for reading. I love who you are. :) e
DeleteThank you babe for creating this environment in our home.
ReplyDeleteThis line really hit me: "the heart of connectedness and not abandoning them"
I really wish I had that when I was growing up. It could have helped our marriage be in a much better place. I am sorry I have lived in fear of abandonment. I am sorry I have put you through all that. I am sorry we couldn't have been a healthier couple.
You are a great mother, creating a great environment for our kids to thrive.
Thank you.
I love you.