My Favorite

I love Jesus with all my being. There are a few things I feel sure of as I let go of the Christian religion and hold tight to my Favorite.

• Jesus did not come to establish the religion of Christianity. He came to establish the pathway to intimate and personal relationship/oneness with Creator, Father God.

• Jesus did not come to speak the red letter edition of Scripture into existence to guide us. He came to give his very God Spirit to indwell humanity in order to guide, teach, speak, love, fill, and flow out of those who would say yes and be in tune with God Spirit within.

• His death and resurrection covers every single thing that humanity has done, is doing and will do that is not in line with LIFE. It is all forgiven and His Love, Mercy, Forgiveness, Kindness, Voice, Healing, Presence is what he is wanting us to experience. Judgement was settled in his sacrifice on the cross.

• Creator God is waiting for us to be in tune with His very Spirit within and to step into the role of bringing Love, Healing, Presence, Kindness, Creativity, Abundance through the glorious power of Spirit to a hurting and fearful world.

This is my perspective. Jesus is my Favorite.

Quote of the week

Live in Love

Live in Fear or live in Love? 

The two cannot co-exist.

I choose Love.

The places I find fear within

are the places I have yet to expose to Love

that casts out every fear.

There is such Love in the universe.

It is supernatural.
It is The Divine.

Always I can feel it flow from parts of Creation:

solitude,

beauty,
nature,

music,

art.

I feel Love flow through
spiritual practices:
meditation,
fasting,
prayer,
journaling,
generosity,
worship,
silence,
faith.

I'm learning to receive it through
humans who let Love flow.

The key to experiencing Pure and Perfect Love
 is to want it more than my comfortable
fear;

open my heart and mind to Love,
turn my back on fear;
position myself

to look in the face of Love-

receive it,

& allow myself to be lost in Love.

To uncover areas where Love
has not been perfected,
all I need to do is
pinpoint the
fear.

Perfect Love casts out fear.

I choose to live enveloped in

Love.

Nothing else is really living.

-emie

Rhythms of Fall

I've always had a love-hate relationship with the fall.

I love the shift from intense summer sun to glowing fall sunshine. I love the trees changing colors, leaves falling, getting ready to rest for the winter. I love the cool air that makes me want to stay in bed and snuggle up, and everything warm and cozy about fall. 

I've hated the slowing down of fall. I've hated the chill to the bone of fall. I've hated the depression I've experienced almost every fall that I can remember. Some years it's worse than others. This one has been the least depression so far. I think it's because I'm finally flowing with the rhythms of the season and my body. 

I've been practicing observing the rhythms of life, seasons, my body since my emotional, physical, and spiritual crash after our year in Africa. The car accident has been a clear opportunity to tune in even more. I never want to go back to ignoring the rhythms. As I observe and tune in, I give myself permission to slow down when I need it, when all of nature around me is giving the cues to snuggle up and pull in. I'm trusting my body when it's craving warm soups and tea rather than chugging down the smoothie routine just because it's good for me and it's what I always do. I'm giving myself permission to say no to activities that feel overwhelming rather than plowing through and saying yes just because I have no good reason to say no.

Flowing with the rhythms of life means listening for the song that's playing. It means changing my dance step when the rhythm changes. It means releasing and relaxing into the rhythm rather than fighting it to maintain my schedule and forward momentum. For the first time in all my memory of fall, I'm relaxing in. And I like it.
Happy Fall.

I am not afraid

Being Present

In my personal development class we discussed how many of our actual problems are in the room with us presently. Very few. Almost none. But most of us walked into the room heavy, overwhelmed, swirling in a dark prison of problems. How and where do our problems actually exist? Most often, in between our ears. How do we break out of that prison?

Be Present. Now. What is happening right now? I look up. I wake up to see the sky, the people next to me, the tree and the bird that just flew by. I refocus myself on the right here, right now. Now is usually beautiful. Now generally has some beauty to behold. Right now, I probably have everything I need. I might not have everything I need for the bill due next week, or the relational struggle I might face when I get home, or the energy I will need for a house full of kids who need my attention the second I walk through the door. But right now, do I have what I need for this moment? Can I find the beauty happening right now? Can I switch my focus from the swirling darkness in my brain to the sun streaming in the window and the beautiful music playing in the background? Can I turn off the negative self talk in my brain and find a new perspective on the difficult situation at hand? Or do I like the dark? Do I like the pit? Do I like the swirling feeling that makes it seem like I'm accomplishing something when in actuality I am wasting my brain space and my precious moments spinning on a hamster wheel of my vain imaginations.

Life has been a giant storm the last few months/weeks. But I am learning how to be in the moment. And I continue to be in awe of how few moments there actually are that present real difficulty when I stop living in past pain or future fearful projections. When I am in the moment, most of them are neutral. I used to fill the neutral moments with negative self talk, negative problem swirling, hashing and rehashing, ruminating instead of finding the beauty. Now I am learning to stop the darkness, open up and let the light in. I can choose to look outside my swirling pit of despair happening inside my head and see the butterfly and the sparrow and the beauty of the moment I'm in. It's truly amazing how dramatically this is affecting my days for the better. Until I'm actually living in a prison camp or running for my life or have nothing to eat but the food I can scrounge out of a garbage can, I have decided to quit living like a POW, refugee, or poverty stricken in my head. Life is beautiful.

Codependency Unraveling

Being an intuitive, people pleasing, helper personality has its definite drawbacks, especially with all the baggage I've carried. Those potentially good qualities have become the cause of burn out for me on more than one occasion.

Just because I am reading a situation or a person, doesn't mean I have to respond to what I'm sensing. (What? Really? Can that be true?!)  I am only responsible for what is happening in me. If the person I am picking things up from doesn't feel like sharing or wants to deny it (ie: they are upset about something and won't talk about it), then it isn't my job to fix it before that person is willing to own their own feelings. I may be off on my read of the scenario anyway. (Probably not, but maybe! I've had 39 years of practice.)

I lived the majority of my life tiptoeing around people's emotions that they refuse to admit, communicate, own, or work through. That means I am the primary one taking responsibility for the bulk of the difficulty in the relationship. I sense the struggle. I shift to "make it better." The other person feels better and waalaa, problem solved. Everyone is "happy" and eventually I D I E. That would be called enabling in codependent, dysfunctional relationships. Bleh.

Until I get in a car accident and I actually have NO capacity to carry that relational load anymore. I literally cannot do the shifting. I can still intuitively pick up on unspoken stresses and emotions. But it is taking everything in me to stay present with my kids and keep my empathetic radar on for them alone.  Everyone else, I'm sorry . . . ability to shift, gone. I can't take care of anyone else right now. Once again, people in my world are having to adjust simply because I have changed. It's uncomfortable. Change always is. But in the end, I am healing. I will not be the enabler in codependent relationships anymore. I will be responsible for me. And though it is terribly painful for people closest to me, I believe it will bring wholeness as we all adjust whether they wanted change or not. This is a monster of a healing journey. Just be glad you don't live with me. :)

Writing Quotes

¨I write only because
there is a voice within me
that will not be still.¨
-Sylvia Plath, from an untitled poem written in 1948

¨Maya Angelou wrote, 'There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.' Stephen King added, 'Sometimes stories cry out to be told in such loud voices that you write them just to shut them up.' People have stories inside of them that are meant to be written. Sometimes that story is deeply personal - like stories of heartache, loss, transformation and liberation. Sometimes the story shows up in the form of a profound understanding or expertise in areas such as relationships, spirituality, healing, creativity, and authentic living. Other times it's a story we have a fire inside to tell, even if it's not our story specifically except for the mark it made on us. And then there are times when a story is born out of one's imagination, where people and plots come alive and dance together in mysterious, enchanting, gripping ways that awaken, inspire, unlock, embolden us and make us look deeper.
-Jim Palmer

Poem by Warsan Shire

"For Women Who Are Difficult To Love"

"you are a horse running alone
and he tries to tame you
compares you to an impossible highway
to a burning house
says you are blinding him
that he could never leave you
forget you
want anything but you
you dizzy him, you are unbearable
every woman before or after you
is doused in your name
you fill his mouth
his teeth ache with memory of taste
his body just a long shadow seeking yours
but you are always too intense
frightening in the way you want him
unashamed and sacrifical
he tells you that no man can live up to the one who
lives in your head
and you tried to change didn't you?
closed your mouth more
tried to be softer
prettier
less volatile, less awake
but even when sleeping you could feel
him travelling away from you in his dreams
so what did you want to do love
split his head open?
you can't make homes out of human beings
someone should have already told you that
and if he wants to leave
then let him leave
you are terrifying
and strange and beautiful
something not everyone knows how to love."
- Warsan Shire

Long, vulnerable TMI post

I have the soul of a memoirist. My compulsion to write about my experiences overtakes me. I've never been one to hide much of my garbage or struggle. I'll put it all out there without shame. I only hold back when my vulnerability exposes someone else that may not be so excited about full disclosure. I hate pedestals. If I do not give you a full picture of the ups and downs and struggles and joys, you will be tempted to put me on a pedestal like every other person you read or fb friend you have that only shares the smiles and you wonder how their lives are so much better, easier, more beautiful than yours. I refuse to do that. I have done my best to reveal the depths of my humanity and struggle as I aspire to carrying and revealing the greatness, glory, love, and beauty of Creator God through my uniqueness. We are all human. We ALL struggle. Some of us can hide it better than others. But no matter your title, religion, level of enlightenment, or education, every single human being lives a life of ups and downs. Some of us manage that more peacefully than others, but the fact remains. So here's just a little more of the depths of my real struggle.

I have always struggled in our marriage. No shock to anyone there. I've been afraid, hurt, triggered, angry, mean, hard. I've yelled, screamed, raged, kicked a hole in the wall, punched and spewed death at my husband. In recent years, I've had long periods of keeping a lid on it all, doing the right things, responding the way I was supposed to, trying to let go. But invariably, I would be triggered and the dark would fly out.

No one else on the planet has experienced this from me. My kids have observed it and have been the recipients of some of my frustration and yelling but not even remotely close to the degree that I have unleashed on Heath. I tried everything to change. I had anybody who knew how to pray for deliverance, pray for me. I've gone to counseling with professionals and laymen. I confessed this hideous side of me to countless people. I read every book on anger management and non violent communication that I could get my hands on. Nothing worked for long.

I am deeply sorrowful for the pain I inflicted on my husband over the last 17 years. I truly hope he will choose to heal and forgive. He is a good man who deserves adoration, love, support and kindness all the time. I have not been that person.

I have felt like the biggest hypocrite on the face of the planet. The last ten years have been a journey of learning to give and receive unconditional love. I've had powerful moments of pouring out what I truly believe to be Divine Unconditional Love on my children, students, friends, strangers, foreigners, prisoners, people all over the globe and from all walks of life. And it was real. And people were changed.

I come home and all I feel is anger and strife. Am I a fake? Am I bipolar? Am I the biggest hypocrite on the planet? I have not been able to reconcile this struggle. I believed for all these years that the real me was the one I am with my husband at home, because, after all, it's my most consistent exposing relationship. If I can't figure it out there, then everything else must be a show. But I genuinely never feel like I am putting on a show for anyone or for any reason outside my home. I concluded that the real me was just angry and hard and if anyone had to actually live with me consistently, they would all eventually be the recipients of this Dr. Jekyll - Mr. Hyde behavior.

The last two months, through my healing journey of body, soul, and spirit, I have realized massive things about myself. I AM loving. I AM a light bearer. I AM kind. I AM a life giver. I AM full of the glory and goodness and Spirit of God. I AM a great mom. THAT is the real me. And the sad revelation is that I have been the fake at home with the person I have spent the most amount of time with. I chose to do that because I did not want to hurt him with the truth of what I think and feel. So I held it all in. I chose to do that because I wasn't allowed to be fully me under the confines of the religion I was part of. I chose to do that because I believed I didn't have any other choice. And the irony of the whole thing is that I hid the authentic me in order to protect my husband. In "protecting" him I created the very environment that caused me to act like a caged and wounded animal, lashing out at him for all kinds of triggering events.

I am finished pretending. I am finished stuffing everything I need to say and all that I truly feel. I do not know where this path will lead for us. But for the first time in 17 years, I do not feel angry or trapped or afraid or a fake. I must be honest with myself . . . everywhere, all the time. The journey forward looks rocky and painful. But I'm not afraid. I am finally at peace in the deepest places of my soul. And for the first time in 39 years, I do not feel one ounce of anger or rage hiding inside of me waiting to erupt. With the decision and strength to finally be authentic, the drain that had been plugged and stopping up all the emotion of anger was released and it completely drained out of me. It feels miraculous on the most monumentous level.

Feel free to pray, send light, love, kindness to us. But please refrain from sending judgment, advice, messages of how to proceed either in thought form or email or texts. Please remember your analysis cannot be based in the truth of where we are, for you don't know all the details. Your judgments and conclusions will be triggered by your limited observations, information, ideologies, and belief system's definitions of what a relationship needs to be. This is the best and most authentic place we could ever be. If we ask for your help, you are welcome to join in our personal working out of this journey. If we don't, I value your respectful and life giving thoughts sent to us through prayer alone.

If our struggle forward nullifies for you the truths, love, light or hope that we have tried to communicate through the last 17 years of our marriage to our world, I feel sad that you would hold another human to a level of perfection that no one can or does attain before they can be light bearers or life givers. And therein has been my fear of being the hypocrite who would have the power to undo someone's faith by my inability to maintain a certain standard of holiness. If my actions, mistakes, human struggle can undo your faith, please consider reevaluating the focus of your faith.

I am not being this vulnerable because I need help. I am not exposing our struggle because I want advice. I am not showing you the shit because I need judgment. And if I feel like you're making me a project, I will go absolutely crazy. I am revealing my life and journey because I know that I am not the only person who has gone or will go through these difficulties. And we need to know we're not alone. So I write for you, the one who can relate and finds comfort in knowing that you are not crazy or alone. My love is sent to each of you. Thank you for loving us in our messiest, darkest places.

Quote of the week

"The truth is harsh," Anubis said. "Spirits come to the Hall of Judgment all the time, and they cannot let go of their lies. They deny their faults, their true feelings, their mistakes. . . right up until Ammit devours their souls for eternity. It takes strength and courage to admit the truth."

- Annubis in The Red Pyramid by Rick Riordan

Being Seen

I very recently had an intense and difficult interaction with someone I allowed to take an authoritative role in my life. I have strong and well thought through beliefs and opinions. I generally only express them when I've been asked and if the person asking feels safe (meaning NOT argumentative) or if I'm in a teaching/sharing position. The flip side of that resolve is that I am also very open minded and seek truth, freedom and light more than comfort and the illusion of having life and God all figured out. I want to learn from you and grow.

There is one personality type that manages to bulldoze me every time. I walk away feeling completely unseen, misunderstood, and without choice. And though my opinion doesn't change on the matter, I feel I must obey or endure the anger and disappointment from the authoritative, controlling personality. Receiving anger or disappointment from someone I respect or am in relationship with triggers some of the deepest sadness in me.

Well, in this healing journey of the entirety of my being, this is one area that has the spot light. Of course now would be a good time to speak my authentic self to a person who greatly intimidates me. Ugh. I was scared to tell this person what I needed to say. I was scared of her anger, feeling like I was disappointing her, and scared of her trying to talk me out of my decision. I'm almost 39 years old and there I am feeling like I'm seven. YUCK! I needed to conquer this.

Fortunately, I had a friend walk me through it before and after. They were an empowering presence for me in the situation. And I did it! I said what I needed to say, and I endured the wrath. And it felt like shit. And I cried a lot. And I let the tears flow.

A few days after that, I was at my acupuncturist. Sketching the scenario for her, I said, "I know stronger personalities would be able to handle this situation much better than I."

She stopped what she was doing and looked directly into my soul as she said, "You are not weak. You do not have a weak personality. Open, vulnerably sharing of yourself, desiring real and deep connection, YES. Weak, NO."
T E A R S.

I'm not sure why it took a virtual stranger seeing into me, speaking life and truth into my being that made the shift, but I have had a couple intimidating person scenarios since that day and the shift in my confidence to speak my truth is completely recognizable. I am changed because of the truth she saw and spoke into me. I choose to believe her perception of me over the old one that created a cowering version of the strong woman that I actually am. Thank you, Paula! I am so thankful for you.

Tribute to Brother Number Two

I have two brothers. I wrote a post involving the one I was closest to growing up here. Our relationship is changing in very deep and beautiful ways since that post. I love him with all my heart. Thank you for loving me, Danny.

I have another brother, 7 years younger than I am. The gap in age hindered us from really getting to know each other. We had no real relationship until the year he was deployed to Afghanistan. We started talking, sharing, hearing each other. I didn't know another human being could think as much like me as he does. He has become the deepest, safest familial relationship I have ever had in my life.

I have carried negative perceptions of men through my life. We see what we are looking for. Consequently, all I ever saw in men would confirm my negative perceptions of them (sorry men, that's just how it was). In January, I decided I was tired of seeing the same thing over and over. Was it possible to experience something different from men than I had? Was it possible to have a perception shift? I wasn't really sure. Of all my life- sapping perceptions, I was pretty sure my perception of men would be the last that could change.

I started asking God to give me new experiences with safe men. I wasn't exactly sure what I was looking for. I had NO idea where they would come from. I was fairly sure I knew where they wouldn't be coming from. After an amazing conversation with my brother one day, I was sharing with Abiel how much I loved and valued him. She said, "Mom, what if Uncle Cole is your first safe, new experience with men?"

Wow! How did I miss that? YES! He was my first safe, new experience to replace the awful perceptions I carried. From that point on, I began to share more and more with him. Since January, there is virtually nothing I haven't disclosed to my brother in my struggle with life, healing, changing perceptions, lies I believed, and on and on. He has brought so much love and clarity to my world. I do not have the words to say how grateful I am to him for seeing me, hearing me, loving me even in my darkest places. He is my gift beyond all gifts. He has spoken life and truth into the deepest wounds in my heart. He has called forth my strength and beauty and breathes life into my dreams. I am changed because of his willingness to reach in and see and speak to the real me.

Thank you, Cole. You have helped to redeem the realm of masculinity for me. Thank you for loving me so completely and beautifully. I am such a better person because you are intimately connected to me. I love you with all my heart.

Life's too short

I've tried to let my children dictate their interests to the best of my ability. If they feel passionate about trying something new, I've worked to create opportunity for them to pursue it. When their interest wanes, I'm not the mom to force them to continue because quitting looks bad. Life is too short to have to spend hours doing something you are sick of. And what if moving on to the next interest is the very thing that will be THE THING that makes their whole world light up?

There are so many amazing things in the world to try. I've got giant lists of things to do before I die. If I try one of them and decide I don't like it, I'm certainly not sticking with it simply for the principle of not being a quitter. Learning karate was on my bucket list. I did it for several months and realized it didn't work for me. So I quit. And something more amazing popped into its place.

The perspectives of stick-to-itiveness and exploratory living are both great options. In case you've ever been baffled by the number of things we start and quit, this is the perspective that I'm operating from. It's part of how I experience being fully alive. If stick-to-itiveness is your thing. . . Woohoo! You'll be the expert. We need experts in the world. I'll be the jack of all trades. The world needs us, too. ;)

Whatever perspective makes you vibrantly alive, live it to the fullest. I plan to.

Three Things a Kid Needs

Several weeks ago, in the middle of some drama with my pubescent creature, I was completely unsure of how to proceed with him. In my exasperation, I said, "If you can't figure out how to control yourself in a way that works in the structure of our family, I will be finding a place for you to live until your dad returns." Not my best parenting move.

That afternoon, I had a counseling appointment. I ran the scenario by him. He gave me three things all children need from a parent. It has radically shifted my focus with my kids and brought clarity to my goals with them.

Kids need:
1. TO FEEL LOVED: They need me to have my heart wide open with them, pouring out the emotion of love on them even at their worst. They need me to keep my heart soft even when I'm afraid they may end up sleeping on my couch until they're 40, or when they exhibit behavior that triggers fear of any kind in me. They need me to not simply DO loving things or try to make them happy. They need to FEEL love. I can do that. I can keep my heart open so the emotion of love can pour through me into them.

2. THEIR EMOTIONS VALIDATED: even the craziest, irrational, dark emotions. . . maybe mostly those. I can give them boundaries for the expression of those crazy emotions but they need to hear me say with all of my being that I understand and hear them and validate every wild, hormonal high and low. I can do that, too. It's what I want done for me.

3. AFFIRMATION THAT I WILL NOT ABANDON THEM: [AND THERE'S MY EPIC FAIL] I actually laughed when he said the last one because of what I had told my son earlier that day. But he assured me it would all be ok if I simply went back and affirmed that I am here for him no matter what. And sometimes being here for them may mean I need space or boundaries. At times there are certain family situations that may call for drastic intervention on the part of the parents for the safety of the child. But even then, the heart of connectedness and not abandoning them must be clear even if it isn't comprehended in the moment.

These have shifted the atmosphere of my home. The rest is just details.

Of course, Judah man did not want to be in the picture!

Another Song for the Week

Music communicates the depths of where I am far better than any words I can contrive. This song, "THE VOYAGE," on the album Brave New World by Amanda Cook might be my song of the next season. It's a beautiful music video if you have 5 minutes.

The Voyage