Projection

I have a 13 year old son living in my home.  Frequently, I have no idea how to proceed.

As I was processing the challenges of parenting a pubescent creature with a dear friend, she had the most helpful insight for me.  She asked if I had any brothers.  "Yes, two younger." She proceeded to share that she occasionally found herself projecting some of her sibling relational struggle onto her relationship with her children.  Maybe I was doing that as well.

I chewed on this for a few hours, a few days, a couple weeks.  Yes.  I have been projecting.  My brother, three years younger than I, was the closest and safest person in my world until he became the creature of the in between.  I was a junior in high school when he started to change into the half boy, half man, mostly just a creature thing.  He didn't want me around much.  Didn't need me to talk or listen or hang out.  Didn't want me to cheer too loudly at his ball games.  Didn't want to speak to me in the halls at school.  Didn't want to hug for even a millisecond much less any meaningful amount of time.  I spent the rest of my two years at home tip toeing around the person I loved the most.

I misunderstood.  I felt rejected.  I did not live at home again for more than two weeks at a time.  We never had the chance to reestablish our relationship after he emerged from his creature state to become the amazing man that he is.  Even though we have deep respect for one another and love based on a real childhood bond, I still felt on shaky ground.  When I go visit every couple of years, I find myself tip toeing, not sure what will upset him, make him feel frustrated with me or push me away.  I had no idea this was under the surface.

I took my 13 year old creature on a date.  I apologized for allowing fear to affect the way I was parenting him.  I explained how I was projecting my relationship with my brother onto him.  I promised that I will do my best to allow our relationship to grow free of fear and as its own entity.  He heard me. Now when he wakes up in the morning and all I get is a grunt and being ignored for three days before the creature needs some mom interaction, I'm not afraid.  He will move through this stage back into a human being if his siblings don't take revenge on his erratic and rude creature behaviors first.  We will have the real possibility of connection once again!

To top it off, I had an amazing conversation with my brother.  We were able to reestablish a loving and safe connection as adults.  Where our relationship goes from here is yet to be determined, but at least it can be free of the rejection and fear I have carried for twenty years.  Thank you, dear friend, for sharing your wisdom and insight into my creature struggle.  My life is better because you're in it.