Today

I'm tired. I don't have anything to say. I'm glad I have faith that life rises from ashes. Send me love. End of today's story.

Quote of the week

Clarifying

Heath asked me to clarify what you might need to judge me for in case you haven't heard the rumors.

1. Heath and I have had a difficult marriage from very early on in our relationship. Most of our friends through the years have known this. I never tried to hide that fact even when we were in Christian ministry, missionaries in Africa, recovering from Africa and then when we tried to get back overseas a few years ago.

2. I have been open with most people close to us and even in Locke updates and blog posts about my anger and rage that was part of my struggle for many years of our marriage. I deeply hurt Heath in my anger. I am full of remorse for this.

3. We had a co-dependent, dysfunctional relationship. I cannot keep living in the level of dysfunction we created. He is wounded and I am wounded. For many reasons I will not disclose here, I asked Heath to move out in January and I am moving toward divorce. Feel free to blame it all on my woundedness.

4. I have been accused of many, many, many things over the last several months by different people. I will name a few and you can create whatever story you would like to construct around these accusations. Or you can ask whomever you would like to fill in details of their perspective of the story. If you come to me to get details just to know where to put me, I probably won't answer. If you come because you really want to know me, I might.

• Witch (as in real witches who cast spells and got burned at stakes) 
• Whore (but just for the record I was a virgin when I got married at 21 and have had sex with one man in my entire 39 years . . . so go ahead and construct that story without the sexual intercourse part.) 
• Pathological liar 
• Heretic
• Teacher of False Doctrines
• Hypocrite
• Controlling, manipulative
• Completely deceived and following demons
• Angry, bitter, unforgiving
• A destroyer of all that is good
• Selfish
• Running away

And the list could go on actually. It's quite colorful and hurtful. And truly, as I am learning about perceptions, if you stand in the shoes of those accusing, I might be all those things and a million more. It just takes a few core beliefs in place to see me that way. But if you stand in my shoes, want to hear my heart and feel what I feel, you might be able to see I'm human, I'm hurting and I'm finally doing something about it rather than waiting for something else or someone else to change or rescue me. Maybe my actions aren't as worthy of such grand accusations when you stand in my shoes.

I'm done trying to hold together what has been miserable for all involved. And though this is simply my perception, I feel I spent 16 years and all my heart, effort, and focus doing what I could to make our marriage work. I have nothing left to give. A million genuine kudos to all women who can do marriage until death do us part. I am not one of those women. Put me in whatever category you want.

This is my journey. I will continue to share what I see and experience to be real, heart breaking, life giving, authentic, messy, beautiful, inspiring, truthful, hopeful, kind, and loving. I will share some of my hard days and I will share some of my good.

I have no desire to perpetuate drama for you to follow. You have plenty of movie stars for that. I am sharing me. I am not sharing my marriage drama, divorce drama, parenting drama, etc. I may share things about each of those experiences or roles I fill, but mostly, I'm simply learning to share me, my heart, my emotions, my thoughts, my stories.

I will continue to write about what I'm experiencing, seeing, and feeling because I believe I'm not the only one experiencing these things. We need to know we're not alone in our crazy journey. Though you may not be in the middle of a divorce, you may be doing something that causes judgment. Or you may have someone in your life you are judging.

So if you can keep reading without hating me, I welcome you to do so. If you keep reading to perpetuate your negative opinion of me, I'm sad for you. There's so much of life to live rather than wasting it on reading stuff simply to build a case against someone. I release you to LIVE free of me.

I did not touch on my shift in spirituality which is of giant focus to many at the moment. I don't plan on posting in defense of my spirituality anytime soon, if ever. I will continue to post bits and pieces of thoughts I have. But to try and write about how I got here and where here is would take a book . . . so maybe that's when you'll be able to read all about my deviation from the religion of Christianity while holding tightly to my love, relationship, and connection to God through Jesus Christ with His very Spirit indwelling me. Don't hold your breath waiting for the book. I've got four kids to finish raising, a massage therapy business to start, a heart to find space to heal, and a messy life to find balance in.

I'm sorry if you feel the tinge of defensiveness and hurt in this post. I'm trying really, really hard to be positive through the barrage of shit flying at me. Give me a little break on tone today.

And finally, I want to say I am deeply sorry for any person in a religious or tight family circle who chose to get divorced, or think differently, or got pregnant out of wed lock, or came out of the sexual orientation closet, or was "rebellious" and had to leave God and family behind because you didn't want to drag him through the mud you had to slog through to be free. Your family may not be, but God is still right there beside you loving you. I'm deeply, deeply sorry for the accusations and the lonely, painful journey you walked. On behalf of those who say they love God but perpetuate such pain for those already in pain, I apologize.

Judgments

Some of you may not know what to do with the differing stories you are hearing about my family. Some are forming opinions based on my blog and snatches of gossip floating around. Some have heard parts of the story from me or my kids or Heath. I am asking, once again, for you to suspend judgment. You do not and cannot know the whole story.

You can only know my entire story if you can crawl inside my soul, feel what I feel, know what I've lived, experience the triggers I experience, and think the thoughts I think. (That's not taking into account Heath's, Abiel's, Judah's, Asher's, and Ella's entire story either.) There's only one being who can do that - Creator God. Until you can do that, you cannot judge me, the situation, or Heath accurately. Not even with a boat load of stories told to you from seemingly reliable sources, words from my own lips or journals, or posts from my own blog. You can't accurately assess my life based on the few outward choices you observe from a distance or hear about. Do you really know why I am doing what I'm doing, write what I write, live how I live? Your judgments will always be without all the evidence necessary to make a fair and accurate judgment. Your judgments will be laden with your own triggers, fears, belief systems, and bias.

So how am I asking you approach me, my story and my family? With curiosity? With unconditional Love? With a desire to know or understand me? With a desire to share something real of yourself. Come without pity or placating. Come without an agenda to change me, make me repent, and fall back in your line so you feel comfortable around me. If those options feel too difficult, then feel free to stop reading my blog and unfriend me from facebook. I'm not trying to make enemies. I'm not trying to change anyone's belief system. I'm not trying to win anyone to my side. I'm simply telling my stories and expressing what is real in me. I plan to continue learning how to do that with increasing clarity and realness.

Thank you to all who have read, listened, and observed while remaining loving and nonjudgmental. Your kindness is light in a stormy season.

Quote of the Week

Song of the Week: Scare Away the Dark

This is currently one of my favorite songs.

WARNING: This video may be offensive to some at the end. I find observing another's freedom to be like that sometimes.

Expansion

Here is a glimpse of my soul as you stand on the outside looking in. I wrote these words on the first page of a new journal the other day.

"This journal is starting in one of the biggest transitional times of my life. I feel strong and shaky, solid and fluid, whole and in pieces. Expectant and grieving. Full and empty. Connected and alone. Loved and despised. Hurting and Healing. Alive and dying. How can I be feeling such opposing things all within the space of myself? Hmmm. . . this is where the idea of vastness within fits beautifully. Expansion. The Universe is constantly expanding. Of course my connection to the Infinite God who created an expanding universe would make it so that the universe of my body would also be able to expand.
So into the vastness I will extend in every opposing direction and become limitless."

Grieving

I've had plenty of practice grieving. Throughout my life, whenever major change happened, if I didn't say goodbye to the old in a thorough and meaningful way, grieving the loss of what was, I could not fully embrace the new thing coming. Whether that was a move, job change, new baby, way of life, etc., I had to grieve well. Maybe that's because I'm sentimental and connected to my emotions or maybe it's because I'm human.

I've walked my kids through many transitions and grieving. Keeping the dialogue open and allowing for grieving behavior has been important. It's never a pleasant process, but we are not strangers to it. These days, I'm glad we've had some practice. I'm making some decisions that are causing great change, loss, and ultimately grieving for all of us. As raindrops make their way down my windowpane, it feels like a reflection of my heart. A little cloudy and grey, water droplets falling, a chill in the air, but necessary and beautiful in the end. The sun is shining right above that cloud cover. So I'll be in this moment and I'll let my kiddos be in theirs and sometimes I'll jump right into their moment with them . . . whenever I have just a little extra to give. And we'll all try to remember the clouds will part and the sun is still shining up there. But snuggling up and eating Breyers rocky road icecream and playing minecraft for hours and taking naps when we need them are allowed without guilt through this season of change.

Alignment

Growing up in a system that asked me to follow a set of rules and a person in charge rather than learning to trust my intuition and my connection and personal communication with God messed with me in a big way. It's part of the reason I learned to be an external compliant person and an internal resistor.

I'm learning. As my world is dramatically shifting, everything feels uncertain when I fall back into expecting someone will tell me what, when, and how to do it. Or when I'm waiting for someone with authority to tell me that what I'm deciding is ok or punish and shame me if it's not. Then I remember that's what I'm breaking out of. I check back in at my center where Divinity and humanity mingle. In there, in my beautiful inner world, I find insight, peace, affirmation, and confirmation of the steps I need to take and decisions I need to make. When I come to peace there, it doesn't matter who agrees or affirms, or disagrees and condemns for that matter.

I am choosing to move forward in order to live out the most authentic me possible while holding tightly to my love and connection with Creator and interacting with his very Spirit that indwells me. It is how I am learning to line up my actions with the things that are alive in me, the Life waiting to come forth. Liberation is a painful and wonderful journey.

Song of the Week

Twenty One Pilots is a band one of my students introduced me to. My kids and I are hooked. Their lyrics are incredibly thought provoking. CAR RADIO is one of my favorites right now. Warning: not my typical music share. :-)

CAR RADIO

Transitions

Life is always in transition. 

Happiness and sadness dwelling 

in virtually the same spaces;

at times only a moment 

separating the two.

Sunset and moonrise;

the passing of day to night.

Both holding beauty,

both full of possibilities.

Can I find the goodness 

in the dark?

I will find the beauty 

there in the

sun's reflected light

of the moon

as it

waxes and wanes.

through this 

transition.

-emie

Quote of the week

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

"How long must I wait in the dark?"

"Until you can see in the dark."

_____________________________
_____________________________

Washing Feet

I had the opportunity to wash the feet of many women last weekend. It's the first event I've participated in since Thailand nine months ago. Would I have nothing to give or would the nothingness in me allow the flow of God to be richer and fuller than before?

As I knelt before each beautiful woman, the movement of the Divine was tangible. God pours through a willing vessel, no matter how cracked. Typically, as I wash feet, my focus is on how Presence of God is flowing and what Spirit is saying. I have learned to trust this outpouring of the Divine through me.

With that trust in Spirit movement, something else surfaced this time. The slowing down, healing, undoing, and growth of the last several months created a connection to my humanity mingling with the divinity in a new way.

I knelt before them, washing the dirt, looking in their eyes, feeling their despair of feeling unworthy (ie: not perfect). I looked with compassion out of the depth of my humanity confident that even there, especially there, in our imperfection, we are loved. God lavishes his great Love upon humanity and for those that receive, Love transforms the broken places and reveals the gold that's been there all along. Loved, forgiven, empowered, restored, healed. Not because we have it all together but because we are Loved by the Creator of the Universe who knows all the secrets and hidden dirt and loves unconditionally.

Quote of the week

Live in Love

Live in Fear or live in Love? 

The two cannot co-exist.

I choose Love.

The places I find fear within

are the places I have yet to expose to Love

that casts out every fear.

There is such Love in the universe.

It is supernatural.
It is The Divine.

Always I can feel it flow from parts of Creation:

solitude,

beauty,
nature,

music,

art.

I feel Love flow through
spiritual practices:
meditation,
fasting,
prayer,
journaling,
generosity,
worship,
silence,
faith.

I'm learning to receive it through
humans who let Love flow.

The key to experiencing Pure and Perfect Love
 is to want it more than my comfortable
fear;

open my heart and mind to Love,
turn my back on fear;
position myself

to look in the face of Love-

receive it,

& allow myself to be lost in Love.

To uncover areas where Love
has not been perfected,
all I need to do is
pinpoint the
fear.

Perfect Love casts out fear.

I choose to live enveloped in

Love.

Nothing else is really living.

-emie

Being Present

In my personal development class we discussed how many of our actual problems are in the room with us presently. Very few. Almost none. But most of us walked into the room heavy, overwhelmed, swirling in a dark prison of problems. How and where do our problems actually exist? Most often, in between our ears. How do we break out of that prison?

Be Present. Now. What is happening right now? I look up. I wake up to see the sky, the people next to me, the tree and the bird that just flew by. I refocus myself on the right here, right now. Now is usually beautiful. Now generally has some beauty to behold. Right now, I probably have everything I need. I might not have everything I need for the bill due next week, or the relational struggle I might face when I get home, or the energy I will need for a house full of kids who need my attention the second I walk through the door. But right now, do I have what I need for this moment? Can I find the beauty happening right now? Can I switch my focus from the swirling darkness in my brain to the sun streaming in the window and the beautiful music playing in the background? Can I turn off the negative self talk in my brain and find a new perspective on the difficult situation at hand? Or do I like the dark? Do I like the pit? Do I like the swirling feeling that makes it seem like I'm accomplishing something when in actuality I am wasting my brain space and my precious moments spinning on a hamster wheel of my vain imaginations.

Life has been a giant storm the last few months/weeks. But I am learning how to be in the moment. And I continue to be in awe of how few moments there actually are that present real difficulty when I stop living in past pain or future fearful projections. When I am in the moment, most of them are neutral. I used to fill the neutral moments with negative self talk, negative problem swirling, hashing and rehashing, ruminating instead of finding the beauty. Now I am learning to stop the darkness, open up and let the light in. I can choose to look outside my swirling pit of despair happening inside my head and see the butterfly and the sparrow and the beauty of the moment I'm in. It's truly amazing how dramatically this is affecting my days for the better. Until I'm actually living in a prison camp or running for my life or have nothing to eat but the food I can scrounge out of a garbage can, I have decided to quit living like a POW, refugee, or poverty stricken in my head. Life is beautiful.

Codependency Unraveling

Being an intuitive, people pleasing, helper personality has its definite drawbacks, especially with all the baggage I've carried. Those potentially good qualities have become the cause of burn out for me on more than one occasion.

Just because I am reading a situation or a person, doesn't mean I have to respond to what I'm sensing. (What? Really? Can that be true?!)  I am only responsible for what is happening in me. If the person I am picking things up from doesn't feel like sharing or wants to deny it (ie: they are upset about something and won't talk about it), then it isn't my job to fix it before that person is willing to own their own feelings. I may be off on my read of the scenario anyway. (Probably not, but maybe! I've had 39 years of practice.)

I lived the majority of my life tiptoeing around people's emotions that they refuse to admit, communicate, own, or work through. That means I am the primary one taking responsibility for the bulk of the difficulty in the relationship. I sense the struggle. I shift to "make it better." The other person feels better and waalaa, problem solved. Everyone is "happy" and eventually I D I E. That would be called enabling in codependent, dysfunctional relationships. Bleh.

Until I get in a car accident and I actually have NO capacity to carry that relational load anymore. I literally cannot do the shifting. I can still intuitively pick up on unspoken stresses and emotions. But it is taking everything in me to stay present with my kids and keep my empathetic radar on for them alone.  Everyone else, I'm sorry . . . ability to shift, gone. I can't take care of anyone else right now. Once again, people in my world are having to adjust simply because I have changed. It's uncomfortable. Change always is. But in the end, I am healing. I will not be the enabler in codependent relationships anymore. I will be responsible for me. And though it is terribly painful for people closest to me, I believe it will bring wholeness as we all adjust whether they wanted change or not. This is a monster of a healing journey. Just be glad you don't live with me. :)

Writing Quotes

¨I write only because
there is a voice within me
that will not be still.¨
-Sylvia Plath, from an untitled poem written in 1948

¨Maya Angelou wrote, 'There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.' Stephen King added, 'Sometimes stories cry out to be told in such loud voices that you write them just to shut them up.' People have stories inside of them that are meant to be written. Sometimes that story is deeply personal - like stories of heartache, loss, transformation and liberation. Sometimes the story shows up in the form of a profound understanding or expertise in areas such as relationships, spirituality, healing, creativity, and authentic living. Other times it's a story we have a fire inside to tell, even if it's not our story specifically except for the mark it made on us. And then there are times when a story is born out of one's imagination, where people and plots come alive and dance together in mysterious, enchanting, gripping ways that awaken, inspire, unlock, embolden us and make us look deeper.
-Jim Palmer

Long, vulnerable TMI post

I have the soul of a memoirist. My compulsion to write about my experiences overtakes me. I've never been one to hide much of my garbage or struggle. I'll put it all out there without shame. I only hold back when my vulnerability exposes someone else that may not be so excited about full disclosure. I hate pedestals. If I do not give you a full picture of the ups and downs and struggles and joys, you will be tempted to put me on a pedestal like every other person you read or fb friend you have that only shares the smiles and you wonder how their lives are so much better, easier, more beautiful than yours. I refuse to do that. I have done my best to reveal the depths of my humanity and struggle as I aspire to carrying and revealing the greatness, glory, love, and beauty of Creator God through my uniqueness. We are all human. We ALL struggle. Some of us can hide it better than others. But no matter your title, religion, level of enlightenment, or education, every single human being lives a life of ups and downs. Some of us manage that more peacefully than others, but the fact remains. So here's just a little more of the depths of my real struggle.

I have always struggled in our marriage. No shock to anyone there. I've been afraid, hurt, triggered, angry, mean, hard. I've yelled, screamed, raged, kicked a hole in the wall, punched and spewed death at my husband. In recent years, I've had long periods of keeping a lid on it all, doing the right things, responding the way I was supposed to, trying to let go. But invariably, I would be triggered and the dark would fly out.

No one else on the planet has experienced this from me. My kids have observed it and have been the recipients of some of my frustration and yelling but not even remotely close to the degree that I have unleashed on Heath. I tried everything to change. I had anybody who knew how to pray for deliverance, pray for me. I've gone to counseling with professionals and laymen. I confessed this hideous side of me to countless people. I read every book on anger management and non violent communication that I could get my hands on. Nothing worked for long.

I am deeply sorrowful for the pain I inflicted on my husband over the last 17 years. I truly hope he will choose to heal and forgive. He is a good man who deserves adoration, love, support and kindness all the time. I have not been that person.

I have felt like the biggest hypocrite on the face of the planet. The last ten years have been a journey of learning to give and receive unconditional love. I've had powerful moments of pouring out what I truly believe to be Divine Unconditional Love on my children, students, friends, strangers, foreigners, prisoners, people all over the globe and from all walks of life. And it was real. And people were changed.

I come home and all I feel is anger and strife. Am I a fake? Am I bipolar? Am I the biggest hypocrite on the planet? I have not been able to reconcile this struggle. I believed for all these years that the real me was the one I am with my husband at home, because, after all, it's my most consistent exposing relationship. If I can't figure it out there, then everything else must be a show. But I genuinely never feel like I am putting on a show for anyone or for any reason outside my home. I concluded that the real me was just angry and hard and if anyone had to actually live with me consistently, they would all eventually be the recipients of this Dr. Jekyll - Mr. Hyde behavior.

The last two months, through my healing journey of body, soul, and spirit, I have realized massive things about myself. I AM loving. I AM a light bearer. I AM kind. I AM a life giver. I AM full of the glory and goodness and Spirit of God. I AM a great mom. THAT is the real me. And the sad revelation is that I have been the fake at home with the person I have spent the most amount of time with. I chose to do that because I did not want to hurt him with the truth of what I think and feel. So I held it all in. I chose to do that because I wasn't allowed to be fully me under the confines of the religion I was part of. I chose to do that because I believed I didn't have any other choice. And the irony of the whole thing is that I hid the authentic me in order to protect my husband. In "protecting" him I created the very environment that caused me to act like a caged and wounded animal, lashing out at him for all kinds of triggering events.

I am finished pretending. I am finished stuffing everything I need to say and all that I truly feel. I do not know where this path will lead for us. But for the first time in 17 years, I do not feel angry or trapped or afraid or a fake. I must be honest with myself . . . everywhere, all the time. The journey forward looks rocky and painful. But I'm not afraid. I am finally at peace in the deepest places of my soul. And for the first time in 39 years, I do not feel one ounce of anger or rage hiding inside of me waiting to erupt. With the decision and strength to finally be authentic, the drain that had been plugged and stopping up all the emotion of anger was released and it completely drained out of me. It feels miraculous on the most monumentous level.

Feel free to pray, send light, love, kindness to us. But please refrain from sending judgment, advice, messages of how to proceed either in thought form or email or texts. Please remember your analysis cannot be based in the truth of where we are, for you don't know all the details. Your judgments and conclusions will be triggered by your limited observations, information, ideologies, and belief system's definitions of what a relationship needs to be. This is the best and most authentic place we could ever be. If we ask for your help, you are welcome to join in our personal working out of this journey. If we don't, I value your respectful and life giving thoughts sent to us through prayer alone.

If our struggle forward nullifies for you the truths, love, light or hope that we have tried to communicate through the last 17 years of our marriage to our world, I feel sad that you would hold another human to a level of perfection that no one can or does attain before they can be light bearers or life givers. And therein has been my fear of being the hypocrite who would have the power to undo someone's faith by my inability to maintain a certain standard of holiness. If my actions, mistakes, human struggle can undo your faith, please consider reevaluating the focus of your faith.

I am not being this vulnerable because I need help. I am not exposing our struggle because I want advice. I am not showing you the shit because I need judgment. And if I feel like you're making me a project, I will go absolutely crazy. I am revealing my life and journey because I know that I am not the only person who has gone or will go through these difficulties. And we need to know we're not alone. So I write for you, the one who can relate and finds comfort in knowing that you are not crazy or alone. My love is sent to each of you. Thank you for loving us in our messiest, darkest places.

Quote of the week

"The truth is harsh," Anubis said. "Spirits come to the Hall of Judgment all the time, and they cannot let go of their lies. They deny their faults, their true feelings, their mistakes. . . right up until Ammit devours their souls for eternity. It takes strength and courage to admit the truth."

- Annubis in The Red Pyramid by Rick Riordan