Cleansing

Every year for the last seven years, I do a 40 day cleanse called The Maker's Diet. When I started, I was 80 lbs overweight, struggling with chronic hives, adrenal fatigue, chronic ear infection, candida, arthritis, self hatred and a host of other issues. I needed help. As doctors kept throwing meds at me, unsure of the problems, I took my health into my own hands. I began reading like crazy about healing through whole foods and cleansing. Over the course of 6 months with the help of The Maker's Diet, a colon cleanse, gall bladder cleanse, and candida cleanse, I kicked hives, arthritis symptoms and ear infections, candida was under control, my energy was increasing and I lost 20 lbs.

I was on a journey of changing the way I thought about my body and food. It took three full years to get back to a healthy weight but I did it through learning how to love myself right where I was at, to eat differently and look at food as medicine. I had to break the bondage in my mind concerning weight, body image, food addiction, and more. It wasn't the quick fix or fast track but I have kept the weight off for four years and continue to eat fairly healthy and generally feel great. My body craves the reset every January. I'm in this healthy living style for the long haul.

I'm looking forward to starting the cleanse in a week. My kids, on the other hand, do not look forward to it. I've brought them along for the ride for the last 3 years. They hate starting it but always admit they feel so much better afterward. I just want them to have experience of knowing how their body feels depending on what they put into it. Someday, when they are in college and eating only Cheetos and drinking Pepsi, feeling sick and sluggish, they will know what they need to do in order to find their health and energy.

Here's to a healthier new year!

My Community

I spent all day yesterday at our charter school for Exploration Day. I LOVE OUR LEARNING COMMUNITY. I haven't spent that amount of time at school since the accident in April. It was tiring on a lot of levels, but surprisingly invigorating to be immersed, once again, in the creativity, love, and strength of our family at Eleanor Roosevelt Community Learning Center. I feel like we are the most fortunate people on earth to be part of this unique community of creative beings.

I was reminded how rich my children's lives are, even when all I see at home is a lot of netflix, minecraft, and bickering happening while I hide and recover.

I was reminded of all the wonderful teachers and friends my kids are impacted by in beautiful and positive ways even when I feel like I'm far from "enough" for them at home. I don't have to be everything for them! We have a community that adds to my lack. WOOHOO!

I was reminded of the beauty of fall as the sun warmed me enough to shed a layer! (I lost my Montana blood a long time ago! I hate being cold.)

I was reminded of how much healing has happened in the last couple months allowing me to make it through an entire day at the school again. YAY for healing!

I was reminded of how much I LOVE my kids, my students, and my kids' friends that have found a way into my heart. I am so proud to watch and participate in their "becoming."

I was reminded of the goodness that comes from putting down roots and belonging.

Yesterday filled me with warmth, love and immense joy. Today I'll stay in bed reminding myself of the beauty of our tribe.

Elementary Students Original Song: This song may only be endearing to parents and those who were there, but it makes my heart smile every time I watch it. The music class wrote this song and performed it today.

Silence and Nature

 The beauty of nature has always captured me. Since childhood, I have loved sitting for long periods of time beside the river or at the edge of wheat fields looking out toward the Rockies at sunset. I sat in silence, watching, thinking, soaking in the beauty.

  I wanted to share those moments with someone who could see, appreciate, soak it in with me. But those I invited had a threshold of about 2 minutes before they were done and off to the next exciting thing. That left a hole.

  Last week, I had the opportunity to be at a silent retreat in the chaparral mountains of southern California. One early morning, a large group of us walked in the light of the moon and stars to the top of the mountain in silence. We sat to soak in the beauty of the sunrise. There was a moment when tears streamed down my cheeks and I could hardly contain myself as I wanted to jump up and say, "THANK YOU for being here with me in this beautiful moment and the silence!" It was deeply healing for me. And beautiful. And fulfilling.

  Thank you to all my new friends who soaked in the beauty of the wonders of nature and the togetherness of silence. I am forever grateful.

Codependency Unraveling

Being an intuitive, people pleasing, helper personality has its definite drawbacks, especially with all the baggage I've carried. Those potentially good qualities have become the cause of burn out for me on more than one occasion.

Just because I am reading a situation or a person, doesn't mean I have to respond to what I'm sensing. (What? Really? Can that be true?!)  I am only responsible for what is happening in me. If the person I am picking things up from doesn't feel like sharing or wants to deny it (ie: they are upset about something and won't talk about it), then it isn't my job to fix it before that person is willing to own their own feelings. I may be off on my read of the scenario anyway. (Probably not, but maybe! I've had 39 years of practice.)

I lived the majority of my life tiptoeing around people's emotions that they refuse to admit, communicate, own, or work through. That means I am the primary one taking responsibility for the bulk of the difficulty in the relationship. I sense the struggle. I shift to "make it better." The other person feels better and waalaa, problem solved. Everyone is "happy" and eventually I D I E. That would be called enabling in codependent, dysfunctional relationships. Bleh.

Until I get in a car accident and I actually have NO capacity to carry that relational load anymore. I literally cannot do the shifting. I can still intuitively pick up on unspoken stresses and emotions. But it is taking everything in me to stay present with my kids and keep my empathetic radar on for them alone.  Everyone else, I'm sorry . . . ability to shift, gone. I can't take care of anyone else right now. Once again, people in my world are having to adjust simply because I have changed. It's uncomfortable. Change always is. But in the end, I am healing. I will not be the enabler in codependent relationships anymore. I will be responsible for me. And though it is terribly painful for people closest to me, I believe it will bring wholeness as we all adjust whether they wanted change or not. This is a monster of a healing journey. Just be glad you don't live with me. :)

Being Seen

I very recently had an intense and difficult interaction with someone I allowed to take an authoritative role in my life. I have strong and well thought through beliefs and opinions. I generally only express them when I've been asked and if the person asking feels safe (meaning NOT argumentative) or if I'm in a teaching/sharing position. The flip side of that resolve is that I am also very open minded and seek truth, freedom and light more than comfort and the illusion of having life and God all figured out. I want to learn from you and grow.

There is one personality type that manages to bulldoze me every time. I walk away feeling completely unseen, misunderstood, and without choice. And though my opinion doesn't change on the matter, I feel I must obey or endure the anger and disappointment from the authoritative, controlling personality. Receiving anger or disappointment from someone I respect or am in relationship with triggers some of the deepest sadness in me.

Well, in this healing journey of the entirety of my being, this is one area that has the spot light. Of course now would be a good time to speak my authentic self to a person who greatly intimidates me. Ugh. I was scared to tell this person what I needed to say. I was scared of her anger, feeling like I was disappointing her, and scared of her trying to talk me out of my decision. I'm almost 39 years old and there I am feeling like I'm seven. YUCK! I needed to conquer this.

Fortunately, I had a friend walk me through it before and after. They were an empowering presence for me in the situation. And I did it! I said what I needed to say, and I endured the wrath. And it felt like shit. And I cried a lot. And I let the tears flow.

A few days after that, I was at my acupuncturist. Sketching the scenario for her, I said, "I know stronger personalities would be able to handle this situation much better than I."

She stopped what she was doing and looked directly into my soul as she said, "You are not weak. You do not have a weak personality. Open, vulnerably sharing of yourself, desiring real and deep connection, YES. Weak, NO."
T E A R S.

I'm not sure why it took a virtual stranger seeing into me, speaking life and truth into my being that made the shift, but I have had a couple intimidating person scenarios since that day and the shift in my confidence to speak my truth is completely recognizable. I am changed because of the truth she saw and spoke into me. I choose to believe her perception of me over the old one that created a cowering version of the strong woman that I actually am. Thank you, Paula! I am so thankful for you.

Next Steps on my Healing Journey

Yesterday was another good day emotionally and physically. The pain spots are talking to me but not with the same volume. I had a full night's sleep on Friday which gave me the extra boost yesterday, even with the whispers.

As pain is releasing, my brain has some extra space to think about adding other healing help. I have fairly healthy eating patterns from my massive healing journey following our time in Africa. Seven years ago, upon return, without outside help from healing practitioners, I kicked chronic hives, adrenal fatigue, chronic candida, chronic ear infection, severe arthritic symptoms in my feet, hands, and shoulders, and I lost 85 pounds with whole foods and cleanses. Since the accident, I have only had the energy to maintain where I was, not add anything extra to my health regime.  

At the first acupuncture appointment, she suggested trying bone broth, home made root vegetable soups, and a candida cleanse. Three weeks ago, those suggestions would have made me go wailing all the way to my room to hide in the fetal position for a full day. I don't know if it was the gentle way she suggested it devoid of a bunch of how to's, or the instant trust I felt with her, or the timing in the journey, or the fact that none of what she said was unfamiliar to me, or all of it put together, but my whole being said, "YES! That is what's next." It felt easy and the Wind of Spirit was behind it. 

Two days later, I went to the farmer's market, got my grass fed beef bones for broth and colorful root veggies. I ordered the 4 month candida cleanse products and will start those next week. I've been drinking the broth all week and swear it is part of what is aiding the shift in my body, brain, and emotions.  Creator is genius. He made my body to heal. When I give it what it needs, it kicks in to full heal mode. Miraculous and awe inspiring! I haven't felt my whole being smile since the accident as frequently as I have this week. Feeling full of gratitude today!

This post is NOT to create guilt or pressure for anyone who is on a healing journey and these ideas make you want to run crying to your room to hide in the fetal position.  :-)  There is a time and season for everything. The Light shines on answers for our individual journey at the right moments for each of us. This section of my healing is reminding me that what I need always surfaces in a person, book, or intuitively at the very right time with the Wind of Spirit behind it to make it easy and workable to implement. When it feels like a heavy, overwhelming burden, something isn't quite right. It might just be a good idea at the wrong time. Just because someone suggests something to you, doesn't mean it's the right thing for you at that moment. Deep breath and simply keep your eyes open and your heart tuned in to what feels like the "right fit at the right time."

Renewed Hope

I have been pain free since seeing the acupuncturist on Monday!! Tuesday I woke up sore but not "pain" sore, just "worked over muscles" sore from the acupuncture. It was the first day since the accident I haven't had pin pointed jabbing pain spots between my shoulder blades and in my neck. Before going to acupuncture, I was beginning to wonder if those were the pain spots I would have to deal with for the rest of my life. They were bearable, but painfully present when I would turn my head or flare when I do any extra activity, even after 4 1/2 months of consistent chiropractor and massage therapy.

Wednesday, I woke up sore free and pain free! I kept turning my head to make sure it was really gone. On the way to the school, the kids got sick of hearing me say how amazing it felt to be pain free in those spots! I didn't realize just how limiting it was until it was gone. There is still work to do, but I have a renewed sense of hope for complete healing and restoration. I felt thankful and more alive than I have in five months. I am so very grateful for our amazing attorney who is like my healing project manager. He knows incredible and gifted healers and has introduced them all to me at the very right time in my healing journey. I am overwhelmed with gratitude for his direction and care as he works with us and our case.

Feeling deeply grateful to be filled with hope for complete healing once again.

Saving the World?

I grew up believing that it was my job to help save the world. I don't believe that anymore. I have many soapbox thoughts on this topic.  This is just one segment.

If I take it upon myself to judge where a person is at and then try to persuade them to change their beliefs or behavior, I have made them the object of my agenda.  I can no longer simply and unconditionally love them. Fear of how and what they believe or how they behave and what my responsibility is in relation to that has now entered the relationship. I can not make it my job to convince someone to see life the way I do, think, believe, or behave like I do ever again. I don't approach teaching situations or sharing opportunities as a platform to convince you to think or believe as I do. Ever. About anything. I may share in order to make you think. . . but I'm not sharing in order to get you to think like me.

Why do I write? Why do I teach? Why do I travel the world and what am I sharing? My story. My journey and genuine struggle to experientially know Love, Life, Light, Hope, Freedom, Healing. My authentic humanity mingling with colossal Spirit of God. I desire to be as full of Spirit of Creator God as I possibly can in order to pour out those beautiful attributes on people around me without any agenda to change anyone. If you are inspired . . . woohoo!!  If positive change happens in your life . . . awesome! But it isn't my goal.

I have never been near someone who is fully alive, radiating Love, Freedom, Creativity, and Light that didn't make me want some of what they had. Humanity has an insatiable need for Love, Abundant Life, Hope, Freedom, Joy, Peace, Light, Healing.  If there is a human being carrying any of those beautiful qualities, I guarantee, I'm going to do my best to be in relationship with them or read their work or figure out what they know that I don't.

I want to love with unconditional love.  I want to radiate the glory of God.  I want to be a Life Giver.  I believe this time of hiding and healing is part of my journey of learning to contain more of the beauty, unconditional love, and Presence of God than I have before.  Thank you to all who are showing me different, fascinating sides of God and teaching me to receive.

Wondering

Sometimes I wonder if i can't sleep because my soul is craving silence and solitude more than my body craves sleep.

Thank you

I'm terrible at receiving when I feel like I can't repay or when I feel like I don't deserve it. It's incredibly difficult for me to just let you help me. I want you to know how deeply grateful I feel for all you are doing to help me, help us in our crazy Locke Adventuring and my healing journey.

There is not a day that goes by that I am not thankful for the money that has been sacrificially given, for the house we are graciously being able to rent, for the sleepovers my kids are doing so I can get a break, for the chiropractic work, massages, legal work on the car accident, counseling, dental work and help from all angles to bless, encourage, support, and join in this adventure. Thank you for the rides my kids are bumming to school and the people who are pouring into my kiddos while Heath is away.  Thank you for the cars I'm borrowing until I get the settlement to buy a new one.  Thank you for the friendship, notes of encouragement, and understanding my need for space even though I miss you all.

Our life would never be possible without our tribe. You. We could never do what we do, be who we are, live the adventure and calling on our lives without you. Thank you. I wish there were better ways to say this. Maybe there are. But at 10:30 this evening, I can't think of any. I love you all deeply.

(told you I never learned to dance!)

P.S. We send out occasional long email updates.  If you would like to be added to that list, please let me know.  You could leave a comment with  your email and I will get it but not publish the comment. Thanks.

Recovery and Salsa

I never learned to dance.  But I imagine this recovery journey is a little bit like learning how to salsa dance.  I can't say I'm a great follower.  I can certainly say I have trust issues. And the idea of being free enough to sway my hips (which is an important part of salsa dancing) is about enough to make me have a panic attack. Learning how to follow the lead of the Spirit and trust the way I need my body to move or relax in this healing journey has been more than tricky. I'm falling all over the place trying to choreograph my own dance moves so as not to have to stay tuned in E V E R Y   S I N G L E   M O M E N T instead of flowing and following the cues of the Spirit and letting my body sway with Spirit's movement when he leads me to twirl and dip.  

This is what the trusty Internet says is the first rule for a follower in learning Salsa dancing:

  ¨Move when the leader tells you to. As the follower, you must be attuned to what the leader is directing you to do.  Pay attention to all the leads that your partner gives you and move instinctively in the direction that he is pushing you in.

• Do not lead or pull your dance partner around.  As the follower, you should wait for his lead and follow in line with the dance."   - wikiHow

And now I'm laughing out loud.  Epic fail.

My chiropractor is asking me to be a bit more active as we are trying to discover where the problem areas still persist when I'm doing my ¨normal¨ life stuff.  I am definitely making progress.  I am definitely not 100%.  

Prepping for and getting school started last week wiped me out physically and emotionally. Pain and exhaustion were the reward for a wild first week of salsa dance lessons with 3 monkeys!  There are still certain things like house cleaning and interacting with groups of people that completely deplete me.  Thank you for being patient with me as I slowly progress. I'll still be saying no to most things. When I say yes, I've counted the potential cost. I'm learning to enjoy what I can, trying to rest when I can, and trust the leader in my dance called recovery.

Cha cha cha!

Healing Cycles

The last couple weeks have felt filled with hope and promise of my future being wonderful, long held dreams on the verge of moving into reality, and healing that I've known is necessary in deep places of my soul feeling right before me. But all that is exhausting.

It was beneficial and encouraging to hear from the neurologist that my brain is healing well and there is no permanent damage. I didn't fail the test. :)  Now I can put the healing focus on the adrenal fatigue, whiplash, and emotional component.

But I'm tired.  A lot.  My chiropractor explained that healing can move in cycles.  As we keep working toward complete healing, some weeks we peel back a layer and go a little deeper.  I have to sleep a lot more.  I'm pretty useless except to get to my appointments and try to be present for my kiddos occasionally.  I can feel my whole being releasing the stress and strain and putting all the energy I have into bringing my body, soul, and spirit back into alignment.

I'm in awe of the team of people working with me in this healing journey that is about my car accident but touching into wounded places that I thought might never see light.  And Heath and I continue to see a marriage counselor who is the best I have ever heard of.  We have made some giant steps forward and that has been extremely encouraging for both of us.

I am healing.  Deeply.  Back at the beginning of this healing journey in April, I made the declaration that I would FULLY HEAL.  I assumed that might take a good month.  HA. I know now that God took me up on that declaration and decided to use this time to heal many areas in my whole being.  And he has connected me to five truly gifted, amazing, professional people to work with me and provide the most comprehensive support system to heal in that I could have ever imagined.  In fact, I would've never imagined being surrounded by such a caliber of talented and intuitive healers.

So . . . the healing is taking far longer than I thought.  But it's going far deeper than I imagined.  And in the end, you might not even recognize me.  :)  Thank you to all who continue to pray for me in this season.

Testing

It's been awhile since I've had a 4 hour exam. I loved school, I loved learning, I even loved taking tests that I had prepared well for (read "OVER prepared.") But how do you prepare to be tested for a concussion?! I have this odd anxiety of failing. I feel so strange about it. If they test me and say there's nothing wrong, I'll be happy. But then I'll be confused. Because clearly, as my family can attest, I am not normal. But maybe, as my friend has said, this me is the new normal and I need to embrace this me for now.

I will wake up in a few hours and have 4 hours of testing with a neurologist to see where I'm at with concussion symptoms.  Hopefully it's beneficial in the end.  :) And now I will try to sleep so I can wake up.

Truth

It could always be worse. . .

There are times when that phrase helps kick me out of self pity or mild depression.  Other times, it causes me to open the back pack I'm carrying, cram all my actual thoughts and feelings inside, zip it up tight and carry it around on my back.

I am living the tension of the grateful reality that my car accident could have been so much worse juxtaposing the reality that I have indeed experienced trauma and it is still affecting me deeply. To deny my reality and my struggle just because someone else had it so much worse will be cramming unprocessed emotion into a backpack that I'll carry around until I'm too tired to carry that thing and I throw it to the floor. All the emotion spills in a jumbled mess.  As convoluted as my emotions are right now, the tangled, dark mess of a backpack spilling out is worse.

For this reason, I will keep journaling my real emotion through the dark to get to the light.  I will keep feeling and talking about where I actually am because I believe this is a healthier way to live than the cramming of emotion I've done in the past. And someday, all my posts won't be about healing and recovering.  Someday.

Afraid of the shadows

I was eating breakfast and reading in my nook, sun beams warming me through the window.  With a little adrenaline rush, I jumped and shook my hand to rid it of the spider with extremely long legs that crawled across it.

But wait.  I didn't feel a spider crawl across my hand. With legs that long, I would have.  Returning my hand to the table, the spider reappeared.  Just a shadow.  Mr. Spider was outside the window blocking the sun on my hand in the shape of his little body and spiny legs.

There are several spiders outside the window of my soul. They are blocking the sun and causing shadow spiders to crawl across my heart. Unfortunately, I'm jumping at all of them.  Shadows of cars running red lights.  Shadows of relational triggers causing me the pain of past memories.  Shadows of my past experiences with adrenal fatigue.  Shadows of the weight of plans put on hold yet again. Even though I'm not actually feeling the spiny legs crawling on my skin, I remember how it felt.

I'm looking forward to the day when the shadow doesn't make me flinch in fear. I will get to the place where I can watch these shadows move across my hand and not recoil.  I will learn to watch and release.  I am learning. Crawl on shadows. The sun will fully shine through my window unhindered once again.

Deflated balloons

The beautiful hot air balloon called the Locke Family Adventure has been poised for ascension.  After two years of anticipating a move to Thailand, the sky was beckoning with the beauty of dawn.  As we climbed into the basket and prepared for the anchored ropes to be released, there was great apprehension for all of us.  Will we, in fact, fly this time?  Should we get our hopes up and send our hearts on ahead?

I wish we wouldn't have.  One neglected stop light, a concussion and adrenal fatigue later and the hot air is seeping out.  I can't do it.  From my depths, the knowing has been rising to consciousness. I cannot endure the stress of this transition and be healthy on the other side.  I will never be able to fulfill the requirements of the job, let alone my own expectations of myself in that community.  I presently cannot care for my beautiful kids here in a supportive, familiar community, much less care for them while they transition to a new life in a new land.

In honesty, the reasons I would float into the rising sun is not from faith or wisdom or adventure or self care. No. The fear of disappointing people is at the top of list once again.  I am disappointing my husband and daughters who have been chomping at the bit for 2 years to fly away.  I am disappointing my friends and students on the other side of the globe waiting for us to come. I am disappointing those who live vicariously through our insanity. I am disappointing those who are sick of hearing of the ups and downs of our journey and are ready for us to just go already.  I am disappointing those who are expecting us to follow through in faith, believing the accident a plan of the enemy to thwart us and healing miracles will happen as we go.

I cannot. With every restless night that moves me closer to departure, I inch toward panic in the deep places of my soul.

The burner is turned off, the balloon is slowly losing it's fullness and lift.  I'm afraid the giant nylon rainbow will settle on the basket before I have the strength to climb out. Will I suffocate under the weight of a deflated balloon?  I might. Or perhaps I'll simply be hidden long enough to heal and arise wrapped in the beauty of the color that covers me.

Messy

This past week was rough in every area of my life.

Diagnosis of concussion and adrenal fatigue being the cause of my inability to focus, remember some things, handle stress, sleep well, make decisions, keep time and remembering events on a normal continuum, reading for long periods, etc. was a lot harder for me to handle than experiencing bodily injuries.

When we returned from a year in Africa 7 years ago, I had a bad case of adrenal fatigue that took me 3 years of hiding and doing only things to promote healing to fully recover.  It was a physical, emotional and spiritual crash.  When my doctor affirmed adrenal fatigue as a present problem, I immediately knew what I'm up against.  Yes, I'm a different person, I know how to take care of myself better, and I'm under the care of a great doctor who can speed up the healing process, but it feels scary to be back here. Even so, I've done this before.  I can do it again.  I am determined to heal.  Fully. . .

Yet the honest flip side of my determination is that I simply don't feel able or prepared to put as much effort into healing as I had to 7 years ago.  It took all my focus. All of life revolved around choices for healing. Ultimately, that meant pairing life down to the bare minimum. I don't feel like I have that luxury right now with 4 older children and an opportunity to move to Thailand on the horizon.  But what choice do I have?  It is that or the scenario below.

Yesterday, I overdid it.  By 4:30 I was completely spent and completely lost it on my family.  I wish I had a redo button.  I wish I could erase memories, theirs and mine.  I wish I could take back everything I said and did. I wish that anger wasn't such a familiar vice. I wish I were a quiet, patient, subdued person who could think before I spoke. I wish I could do this healing process alone. But that's not my reality. Especially not right now.

So what is left for me?  Hoping for the strength of forgiveness and unconditional love to be something real in my closest relationships.  I feel like I'm flailing and failing.  I feel the worst version of me with the people that I'm supposed to love the most.  I want to hide so I don't hurt anyone with my inability to cope right now.  Or run away.  This is the messiest I've felt in my head in years.

I know I won't be here forever.  But it is the place that I am.  I'm not needing answers, only to be heard and sent love and prayers.  Thanks for joining me at the window of my soul, even in the dark.

Guilty

Somebody tell me it's OK that I'm siting in the kitchen at 1:05 AM with my laptop, a spoon, and a half gallon of Rocky Road ice cream eating my way to happiness.  Or depression.  Or a sugar coma so I can sleep. :)

Why do I feel guilty. . .

• For slowing down?
• For saying no to people and play dates and things to do?  
• For letting people help me?  
• For making my only real job be about healing and receiving?
• For taking a nap when there's so much to be done?
• For simply "being?"
• For eating WAY TOO MUCH Rocky Road ice cream?

I hate letting people down.  I hate letting myself down.  I hate feeling like I'm failing.  So this takes me all the way back to an earlier post about Harold and the Purple crayon.  Maybe as I rest, I'll be drawing some new pictures to step into, changing some of these old perceptions and creating new ones.  These old ones feel heavy and life sapping.  I am desperate for some life giving perceptions as I let the laundry sit there and not care about the dirty dishes and unvacuumed stairs and amount of school work my kids AREN'T doing and then take a nap instead.

The view from the window of my soul tonight as it's covered in Rocky Road and tears.  

A Song in the Night

I can usually tell the state of my emotional health by the presence or absence of a song in my spirit.

Sleep has been elusive.  I've been able to fall asleep initially, but if I wake up for any reason, I cannot settle back into rest.  So I listen.  There is no internal song these nights.

I have no emotional energy to dig deep, to figure out how to recenter or what's in the way.  There's no song and it feels too overwhelming to do anything to change that.  So as I let the darkness hug me, I am listening.

At first, all I could hear were sounds of a city at night and a quiet house; cars and sirens and train whistles; the gentle ticking of the clock and an occasional cough from a sleeping child.  But then I began to hear something else.  Every night. Whenever I wake up, until the second I fall back to sleep.

It took me awhile to make friends with the Northern Mockingbird who chirps outside my window all night long.  I was annoyed at first, blaming my inability to fall back to sleep on him.  But over the last few days, I've decided to listen more carefully, to glean from what he is offering.

One of the things I learned about this little guy from the trusty Internet is that he will continue to add new sounds to his repertoire throughout his life.  He may learn around 200 songs before he dies.  Remarkable.

In my songless night season, maybe I'm in between songs.  Maybe the old song disappeared so I can embrace a new sound, create a new song.  That possibility is hope as the darkness continues to hug me almost too tightly and the mockingbird shares his song with me tonight.