Taking a Break

A week ago, I was done blogging for the rest of my life. I decided to continue after considering the work I put into speaking my authentic voice over the last year. But since then, I'm slogging through mud to post my thoughts. Rebuttals are on replay in my head whenever I try to write. I'm too tired to stave off negativity, naysayers, and phrases on repeat said by people who still have too much weight on my care-o-meter.

I'm far too tempted to simply reprint the words of people more courageous than I. Who needs another blog post of a quote you can pull up on google? I'm in such a complete undoing and remaking stage that I often know what I want to say but only in raw form. I'd make a heck of a lot more enemies if I blasted those babies out.

I don't want to feel like everything I post is in defense of myself or a fight to live vibrantly or freely in the face of pain or misunderstanding. I don't want to ignore the beauty or pain. But I have no idea how to write about my life without making someone feel misrepresented and I can't handle that right now. I'm tired of my words being misconstrued and turned against me. I know that's the plight of a writer. I can't control what my readers think or do with my words and I'm not trying to. I simply don't have the emotional strength for that right now. Someday I will and that is when I will post again.

I was sincere when I said I'm not trying to share drama simply to get more readers. So I'm taking a break. I'm going to give my readers and acquaintances a chance to step out of my personal life for awhile. And I'm crawling in a hole to hide. All I can picture right now is the Penguins of Madagascar. 

THANK YOU to all who have checked in on the view from the window of my soul somewhat regularly over the last year. Thank you for your loving and gracious comments and for valuing the view from here. I deeply appreciate you.

Quote of the week

"The things which the child loves remain in the domain of the heart until old age.
The most beautiful thing in life is that our souls remain over the places where we once enjoyed ourselves."

Kahlil Gibran

Personal Development Class

I teach a personal development/mindfulness class to high school students at our charter school. I LOVE THEM. I love how they are unfolding before each other. Fun personalities, depth, vulnerability, laughter, encouragement, kindness, hearts and struggle out in front as we attempt to truly see each other and the beauty of the world around us.

Last week some of them courageously took the media fast challenge I presented. This week we are intrepidly embarking on a sugar fast together. There is no way to fail. This is just an experiment to observe ourselves when we take out one of the most addictive substances in our world. I am so proud of them. I am honored to share a tiny bit of space, learning with, growing with and sharing my heart as they authentically share theirs.

Thank you, precious people. You are world changers. I smile every time I think of you. My life is richer because you're in it.

Be Thankful

Sometimes being thankful is the best way to kick out of a slump. Sometimes being thankful is the best way to LIVE. Thankfulness works. I'm thankful today.

Favorite Song of the Week: Unpack Your Heart

One of my dearest friends sent this song to me and I can't stop listening to it.

"Oh, I'm on your side. So shed your shadow and watch it rise. 

Into your darkness, I'll shine a Light."

Excerpt of the Week

I found this piece and resonate deeply as to how I feel toward the world in general. Enjoy. By Toko-pa Turner written in 2013.

I Want to Be Alive with You

  "I want to be guided by older-ups. I want babies to be born where old people die. I want to be sandwiched in the middle of a messy togetherness. I want to be warned before I do something stupid. I want to be forgiven when I do it anyway. I want wisdoms to be tapped out on my eardrums and not Googled. I want transitions to be recognized by fire. I want gifts to be coaxed from children and teenagers and adults and I want to mean something to my community. I want to get drunk on substance morning and night. I want to hear your dreams. I want to raise a revolution for gentleness. I want to call out the bullshit on consensus reality. I want to get rich so I can billboard the highways with validations. 

  I don't want to be another faker. I don't want to show you my good side and hide my humanity. I don't want to dole you out my Self in digestible status-chunks. I want to challenge you in long, drawn-out rituals and still find you interested. I want to feed you seventeen course meals made with spices I crushed. I want to recite you circular poems, each beginning cutting a deeper grasp. I want to make you feel something, even if it's awkward. I want to sing you songs which are ancient and new. I want to carve stories in trees with tools my elders fashioned. I want to keep sharpening them. I want to find places we've never been. And then, I want to return there, but backwards.

  I want to shuffle up words so we don't sleep through them. I want to learn things and then be splashed into never forgetting. I want to make you feel seen. I want to hold your pounding heart in my gentlest of hands. I don't want to miss a moment. I want to dig at the bottom and find it false. I want to turn up unknown depths. I want to stand in this hurricane and sing the sweetest, most naked song you can bear. I want to be alive with you."

Living and Writing

Yesterday I was finished blogging for the rest of my life. Then I woke up today and asked myself why. After fighting for a year to figure out how to say what I'm really wanting to say, now I'm going to stop?

I want to write about Life. Even though I'm going through an extremely difficult season and some days feel like hell, many days I feel alive, hopeful, and full of peace. I want to write about what's real for me. The beautiful, hopeful things are often more real than the pain. But when I start writing about the beautiful things, I feel guilty. Like people are going to think I'm smoothing over the pain and pretending that everything is ok. That's not it.

That's not it at all.

I process the pain with my closest friends. I cry. I sob. I feel it all. But then I move on to the beautiful things. Beautiful connections with my amazing kids. Beautiful moments in nature soaking up Life all around me. Beautiful moments pouring out life on those I'm working with in craniosacral and massage therapy. Beautiful moments using my brain to learn clarinet, bones and muscles, aromatherapy, and how to start my own business. Beautiful moments with friends talking about LIVING and BECOMING and CREATING magic in our world.

I refuse to let pain and difficulty steal, kill or destroy my life. I believe in a LIFE GIVER. I believe in a Redeemer. I believe in a CREATOR God who is ever at the task of creating life out of nothing, life out of chaos. And that's what the Beautiful Spirit of God is doing in, around and through me. It's what He did for the last 39 years of my life to get me to this place, to mold me into the person I am today. And this is simply one more piece of my story that contains pain and seeming death. But with God, life is the focus . . . even in death. So I will continue to write about Life.

Beautiful People

I have some of the most beautiful friends in the world.

Today

I'm tired. I don't have anything to say. I'm glad I have faith that life rises from ashes. Send me love. End of today's story.

Discover Magic

I pulled up to school with Asher, my 11 year old, in the front seat and he said, "Life turned bad when I turned 9."

"Really? Do you want to tell me about that?"

Lots of silence and thoughtfully, he responded, "Well, that's the year I discovered there wasn't a magic portal to find around the corner. It's when the magic I was waiting to experience became the reality that life is just hard and not magical. It's when my imagination felt like it wasn't real anymore."

H.e.a.r.t.b.r.e.a.k. With tears in my eyes, I looked into his and said, "Asher, the magic is real. And it takes creative people like you with imaginations and faith to tap into that world that exists and bring it in to the world of hard and not magical adulthood. It's people like you and C.S. Lewis, Tolkein, Rowling, Michelangelo, DaVinci, Edison, Einstein, and all the great storytellers, artists and makers throughout history who help us wake up and remember there is more. We love those stories, art, and inventions because they touch the place in us that knows somewhere, somehow the magic is real. I can't believe humanity would have such longing within us if it wasn't. And you can help us stay awake to what is real if you don't lose it yourself."

With a giant smile and relief on his face, he simply said, "Ok, Mom," and jumped out of the car and bounded to class.

Song of the week

Quote of the week

Clarifying

Heath asked me to clarify what you might need to judge me for in case you haven't heard the rumors.

1. Heath and I have had a difficult marriage from very early on in our relationship. Most of our friends through the years have known this. I never tried to hide that fact even when we were in Christian ministry, missionaries in Africa, recovering from Africa and then when we tried to get back overseas a few years ago.

2. I have been open with most people close to us and even in Locke updates and blog posts about my anger and rage that was part of my struggle for many years of our marriage. I deeply hurt Heath in my anger. I am full of remorse for this.

3. We had a co-dependent, dysfunctional relationship. I cannot keep living in the level of dysfunction we created. He is wounded and I am wounded. For many reasons I will not disclose here, I asked Heath to move out in January and I am moving toward divorce. Feel free to blame it all on my woundedness.

4. I have been accused of many, many, many things over the last several months by different people. I will name a few and you can create whatever story you would like to construct around these accusations. Or you can ask whomever you would like to fill in details of their perspective of the story. If you come to me to get details just to know where to put me, I probably won't answer. If you come because you really want to know me, I might.

• Witch (as in real witches who cast spells and got burned at stakes) 
• Whore (but just for the record I was a virgin when I got married at 21 and have had sex with one man in my entire 39 years . . . so go ahead and construct that story without the sexual intercourse part.) 
• Pathological liar 
• Heretic
• Teacher of False Doctrines
• Hypocrite
• Controlling, manipulative
• Completely deceived and following demons
• Angry, bitter, unforgiving
• A destroyer of all that is good
• Selfish
• Running away

And the list could go on actually. It's quite colorful and hurtful. And truly, as I am learning about perceptions, if you stand in the shoes of those accusing, I might be all those things and a million more. It just takes a few core beliefs in place to see me that way. But if you stand in my shoes, want to hear my heart and feel what I feel, you might be able to see I'm human, I'm hurting and I'm finally doing something about it rather than waiting for something else or someone else to change or rescue me. Maybe my actions aren't as worthy of such grand accusations when you stand in my shoes.

I'm done trying to hold together what has been miserable for all involved. And though this is simply my perception, I feel I spent 16 years and all my heart, effort, and focus doing what I could to make our marriage work. I have nothing left to give. A million genuine kudos to all women who can do marriage until death do us part. I am not one of those women. Put me in whatever category you want.

This is my journey. I will continue to share what I see and experience to be real, heart breaking, life giving, authentic, messy, beautiful, inspiring, truthful, hopeful, kind, and loving. I will share some of my hard days and I will share some of my good.

I have no desire to perpetuate drama for you to follow. You have plenty of movie stars for that. I am sharing me. I am not sharing my marriage drama, divorce drama, parenting drama, etc. I may share things about each of those experiences or roles I fill, but mostly, I'm simply learning to share me, my heart, my emotions, my thoughts, my stories.

I will continue to write about what I'm experiencing, seeing, and feeling because I believe I'm not the only one experiencing these things. We need to know we're not alone in our crazy journey. Though you may not be in the middle of a divorce, you may be doing something that causes judgment. Or you may have someone in your life you are judging.

So if you can keep reading without hating me, I welcome you to do so. If you keep reading to perpetuate your negative opinion of me, I'm sad for you. There's so much of life to live rather than wasting it on reading stuff simply to build a case against someone. I release you to LIVE free of me.

I did not touch on my shift in spirituality which is of giant focus to many at the moment. I don't plan on posting in defense of my spirituality anytime soon, if ever. I will continue to post bits and pieces of thoughts I have. But to try and write about how I got here and where here is would take a book . . . so maybe that's when you'll be able to read all about my deviation from the religion of Christianity while holding tightly to my love, relationship, and connection to God through Jesus Christ with His very Spirit indwelling me. Don't hold your breath waiting for the book. I've got four kids to finish raising, a massage therapy business to start, a heart to find space to heal, and a messy life to find balance in.

I'm sorry if you feel the tinge of defensiveness and hurt in this post. I'm trying really, really hard to be positive through the barrage of shit flying at me. Give me a little break on tone today.

And finally, I want to say I am deeply sorry for any person in a religious or tight family circle who chose to get divorced, or think differently, or got pregnant out of wed lock, or came out of the sexual orientation closet, or was "rebellious" and had to leave God and family behind because you didn't want to drag him through the mud you had to slog through to be free. Your family may not be, but God is still right there beside you loving you. I'm deeply, deeply sorry for the accusations and the lonely, painful journey you walked. On behalf of those who say they love God but perpetuate such pain for those already in pain, I apologize.

Judgments

Some of you may not know what to do with the differing stories you are hearing about my family. Some are forming opinions based on my blog and snatches of gossip floating around. Some have heard parts of the story from me or my kids or Heath. I am asking, once again, for you to suspend judgment. You do not and cannot know the whole story.

You can only know my entire story if you can crawl inside my soul, feel what I feel, know what I've lived, experience the triggers I experience, and think the thoughts I think. (That's not taking into account Heath's, Abiel's, Judah's, Asher's, and Ella's entire story either.) There's only one being who can do that - Creator God. Until you can do that, you cannot judge me, the situation, or Heath accurately. Not even with a boat load of stories told to you from seemingly reliable sources, words from my own lips or journals, or posts from my own blog. You can't accurately assess my life based on the few outward choices you observe from a distance or hear about. Do you really know why I am doing what I'm doing, write what I write, live how I live? Your judgments will always be without all the evidence necessary to make a fair and accurate judgment. Your judgments will be laden with your own triggers, fears, belief systems, and bias.

So how am I asking you approach me, my story and my family? With curiosity? With unconditional Love? With a desire to know or understand me? With a desire to share something real of yourself. Come without pity or placating. Come without an agenda to change me, make me repent, and fall back in your line so you feel comfortable around me. If those options feel too difficult, then feel free to stop reading my blog and unfriend me from facebook. I'm not trying to make enemies. I'm not trying to change anyone's belief system. I'm not trying to win anyone to my side. I'm simply telling my stories and expressing what is real in me. I plan to continue learning how to do that with increasing clarity and realness.

Thank you to all who have read, listened, and observed while remaining loving and nonjudgmental. Your kindness is light in a stormy season.

Perceptions

I'm wrestling the alligator of perception integrity as I struggle with what to share. If I'm integreful to my perceptions, I'm leaving out the point of view of my family. Each of them have entirely different perspectives on this season of our life. All points of view are real and valid. I'm trying to remind myself this blog is the place where I'm learning how to share snippets of my life viewed from one window of my soul. I honor and value the experiences and perceptions of the 5 other Lockes and, quite frankly, all the people who intersect my path. But I'm not trying to share their stories. Thank you for being kind and gracious as you view the snippets of my perceptions I bravely share. I'm thankful to fall back on the words of the dear old coffee shop sage I met last year, "Write even if people are offended. There will always be people who are offended. But someone needs to hear your words."

Quote for the week

"Faith that raises the dead

never rises from the

reasonings of a religious mind.

True faithfulness grows 

in the realm 

of the heart 

by the catalyst of love."

- Martha Kilpatrick

Poem of the Week

Ella participated in the county Poetry and Prose event presenting two memorized poems with confidence and grace taking me on a beautiful nature walk. Her poems are below. Another little 1st grade girl from a different school presented the last poem below with a wispy little voice and all the sweet innocence embodying this entire poem. I was transported through the beauty of earth and then on to the stars by these two beautiful little girls.

The Oak

By Maud Keary

"Dear Me, how nice this rain is," said the Oak,

"I hope at last we're in for a good soak;

My leaves were getting dusty, and my roots

felt like a tired man's toes inside his boots!" 

Cuckoo Flowers and Daisies

By Maud Keary

Cuckoo flowers and daisies

Grasses grey with dew

Sunbeams of buttercups

And a sky all blue.

Primroses and cowslips

Bluebells and sweet may,

And a cuckoo calling

Far, far away.

Forget-me-nots and cresses

In the streamlet blue,

Fly a little nearer,

Oh, Cuckoo, do!

A Stargazer's Dream

By Susan Noyes Anderson

The magic of the universe

calls out to me from every star,

beyond the moon, my dreams unfold

and carry me to worlds afar.

I am as light as fairy wings.

My soul flies gossamer and free,

across the clouds and continents,

into the midnight galaxy.

There is no end to my delight.

I twirl through every sacred part,

collecting bits of pixie dust

to glisten in my mind and heart.

And when I land, my spirit filled,

the person that I know as me

shines brighter, lit up by each flash

of fantasy and reverie.

Quote of the Week

Strong Enough

Sometimes tears can't be contained. I'm not one to stop them if they need to fall. But through the struggle of our transition as a family, I've tried really hard to hold it together for my kids. My well of tears is a little deeper and harder to reach these days. The other day, it rained and my well overflowed out my tear ducts. Asher came out of his room to check on me in the puddle at the kitchen table. I gave him a hug saying, "I'm strong enough to be weak. You don't need to be strong for me. Thank you for caring. Letting my emotion happen gives you permission to let yours happen. And you're strong enough to be weak, too."

Thank you, my dear friend YP, for reminding me to let my kids know I'm strong enough to be weak, and so are they.

Human Houses

People are like houses. Every person is a unique place. I love the variance in colors, decorations, smells and styles. No two houses are the same. I love, love, love the privilege of being invited through a doorway into the living space of another. 

If you meet me (on an extrovert day), I'll invite you right into my kitchen where the roast is in the crockpot, hot tea is ready, and you'll find nourishment for body and soul. If you're safe and we're friends for awhile, I might invite you into other rooms of my house. There are many rooms in here. Some marked "The Great Parenting Experiment," "The Great Homeschooling Experiment," my health, spirituality, my messy family, current struggle, past pain, things that make me feel alive, things that trigger sadness, my crazy thoughts, my passions, etc. I only have a couple friends who have had a peak into the majority of my rooms. No one but God has seen them all. 

When I invite someone into the kitchen, I can almost immediately tell if they are fishing for a quick tour of my house to make sure the right color is on the wall, certain books are on the shelf, and the style is comfortable and familiar. If I indulge a short tour, I feel completely disregarded as a whole person. They don't care about my house, the history in it, or the overarching feeling inside. They disregard the nourishment and life I'm willing to share. They only seem to care about finding things in certain rooms that will affirm they can be my "friend." They may find the information they need to move our interactions into the category of "friendship with agenda." In that case, if they decide to keep visiting my house or I let them, they come to convince me certain rooms need redecorating. I'm not into that kind of friendship.

If you invite me into your house, there are a few things you can be absolutely sure of. I just want to sit at your kitchen table and enjoy you and the space you feel comfortable sharing with me. I want to hear what your heart is saying and feel what you feel inside your house. I want to eat the food you offer and drink your favorite kind of tea. I'm not coming with my own tea bag in my pocket, my own food and my own pictures to hang on your wall so I feel more at home. I want to experience something of you. 

If the entryway is all you want to show me, I'm still honored. If you want to open a few doors, I promise I won't try to redecorate them. I won't even ask you for a tour unless you want to give it. I don't need any room to look any certain way for me to feel comfortable in your house. And if I become safe enough for you to be invited into some of the more vulnerable places, I will hold your messiness and pain close to my heart and keep your stories that live behind closed doors within the safety of our interaction. If one of your rooms should make me catch my breath or trigger a fear or memory of my own, I will simply look at your eyes and remember whose house I'm in. I will be at peace with how you choose to decorate, remodel and live in your house. 

My house is lived in. I believe it's nourishing and peaceful even with some chaos in a room or two or ten. I have some redecorating and remodeling happening in different sections of my house right now. If you can't handle that construction zone, there are plenty of other rooms that are life giving and warm. Ultimately, I'm me. The whole of my house is me. My house does not consist of one room or wing or area. If you reduce me to what you think you find in one room, you will miss the warmth and connection I may be able to offer you while you visit my house. Honestly, if you don't find my house life giving, I am not offended if you move on to find houses that are. I'm only asking that in moving on, you honor the beauty and uniqueness of the whole of my house. 

Every single person on the planet is a precious house filled with rooms and longing to be seen and loved by ones who know what it feels like to truly be "Seen and Loved."

Quote of the Week

Accusations

Before you burn me at the stake, it might be a good idea to look at the clothes you've dressed me in and the logic of your reasoning. If you'd rather just go with the logic of Monty Python, I guarantee I weigh more than a duck.

Seeing

Sometimes the strangest things become an unexpected mirror and I notice something I haven't seen about myself in awhile. The recent mirror was a silly facebook quiz about being a right brained or left brained dominant person. Prior to the quiz, I would've said I operated as a left brained person as a child and all through college. After working through some pain and tapping into my emotional, intuitive side in my early 20's, I'd have guessed I'd come out fairly even on the test now . . . maybe even slightly more right brained. HA!

I was in shock to see the first result being 73% left brained (digital, objective, math, rational, order, analytic, symbolic) and 27% right brained (creative, memory, emotion, art, instinct, music, imagination). I took the darn thing three times and it only changed to 66% left and 34% right. Hmmm. Ok, so it's just a dumb facebook quiz created to waste time. But my reflection in this mirror made me stop in my tracks.

I've been downplaying or maybe ignoring how naturally left brained I really am. I've put loads of effort into finding my emotion, living more relaxed, letting myself BE instead of DO, throwing out a rigid schedule and agenda, trusting my intuition, digging for the feeling, seeing the beauty in every moment - even the unplanned ones. Don't get me wrong, I'm super glad I've adopted some significant right brain skills. (And my kids are even more thankful for my softening and relaxing into a more flowing lifestyle.) I feel more at peace, more healthy, more flexible, more intuitive, more passionate, even a bit more creative and I like all those things. This quiz simply put the spotlight back on my natural bent. I feel like my favorite old roomie is coming to live with me again. It's time to embrace both sides of my brain and weave the right brain skills I've acquired into the fabric of all my natural left brain strengths with joy. Watch out world. I'm using both sides of my brain now!

Can someone draw a left brain representation that doesn't look quite so boring, please? I think we can all appreciate how much beauty is found in research and thinking logically and analytically. At least give it a splash of color. ;-)

Making Music

Learning the clarinet is life giving. And frustrating. When I'm practicing, my kids occasionally have to say, "Back away from the clarinet and take a deep breath, mom." I think they're enjoying throwing my words back at me. :)

I love feeling my brain working to remember the notes and fingerings. I love hearing beautiful sounds coming out of the instrument every once in awhile. And occasionally I'm frustrated to no end because I cannot figure out how to keep that stupid woodwind in tune. I'm perpetually flat. My embouchure keeps trying to adjust to a trumpet and move as if I'm playing a brass instrument. But I'm NOT playing my trumpet. I get frustrated with slow progress as I'm retraining my embouchure for a clarinet. I will learn this.

Most of my life feels like I've switched instruments and I'm learning an entirely different way to make music. It's going to be beautiful once I figure this out. But it won't sound anything like the trumpet I spent over a decade playing. When I can't keep my clarinet in tune, I could sit on the floor and cry, wishing I was holding a familiar trumpet in my hand. But I don't. I'm fully embracing the new beauty and challenge of my clarinet. And though I might feel like throwing the thing across the room, I won't. I do what my kids suggest, put the the woodwind down, and take a few deep breaths. The next note usually comes out beautifully.

This is the Mozart concerto I fell in love with several years ago that inspired me to learn the clarinet. I love the entire thing, but my favorite section starts at 12:35. Even though I've loved and appreciated this song for years, I have to say, my attempt to make a clarinet sound lovely has increased my awe of anyone like this young man who can make the thing come alive. Spectacular. I hope you have a few minutes to enjoy.

Song of the Week: Scare Away the Dark

This is currently one of my favorite songs.

WARNING: This video may be offensive to some at the end. I find observing another's freedom to be like that sometimes.

Fly

Limitless People

This video shakes the boundaries within me, causing me to rattle the bars of the prison of cannot and should nots in my mind. Imagination calls to me as I watch these people leap into the realm of impossibility. Be inspired! :)

Limitless People 2

This is another video that stirs me to push forward into my destiny. My kids and I had fun being in awe together.

Expansion

Here is a glimpse of my soul as you stand on the outside looking in. I wrote these words on the first page of a new journal the other day.

"This journal is starting in one of the biggest transitional times of my life. I feel strong and shaky, solid and fluid, whole and in pieces. Expectant and grieving. Full and empty. Connected and alone. Loved and despised. Hurting and Healing. Alive and dying. How can I be feeling such opposing things all within the space of myself? Hmmm. . . this is where the idea of vastness within fits beautifully. Expansion. The Universe is constantly expanding. Of course my connection to the Infinite God who created an expanding universe would make it so that the universe of my body would also be able to expand.
So into the vastness I will extend in every opposing direction and become limitless."

Excerpt from "The Prophet" on Children

"And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, Speak to us of Children.
   And he said:
   Your children are not your children.
   They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
   They have come through you but not from you,
   And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
   For they have their own thoughts.
   You may house their bodies but not their souls,
   For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
  which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
   You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
   For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
   The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
  and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
   Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
   For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
  so He loves also the bow that is stable.

-- The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran

painting by Kahlil Gibran

Letter From Abiel about her trip to Paris

Abiel is my eloquent, adventurous first born. She wrote a letter asking for support for her upcoming spring trip to Paris with the school travel club. The letter is worth reading even if you can't help her with her trip.

Dear Friends and Family,

I love traveling. It has been a part of me and my family since I was three months old. I have been a lot of places, especially in the last couple years. My next trip is to Paris with my school's Passion Project class, but believe it or not, I did not want to go at first.

I believe that when you travel you should have a reason. It could be as flippant as "I felt like it" or as deep as "This location means something to me and I am going to make it a better place." When the opportunity for a trip first came up in September 2015, I had no desire to go and I did not want to put the work into something that I had no reason to participate in. Two to three months went by and I was hearing about what was happening through one of my best friends. I still had no interest. 

Until one day my friend approached me with a smile on her face. "Abiel. We are going to Paris. If anyone could get into this trip late it would be you." Apparently my skepticism was still obviously displayed on my face, because she followed it with this. "Okay. I really want you to come Abiel. Honestly, I can't imagine traveling without you. You were with me on my first trip and I really want you to come. Please ask Heather!" 

I talked it over with my mom. I thought about it. I talked to God about it. I wanted to come up with a why. "Just because" was not going to get me to Paris. I know I am going to travel later in life, so why go on this trip specifically? As I thought about my trip to Greece with this friend, a smile plastered itself on my face. We had run into cacti, wandered wide-eyed through the many ruins of Greece, laughed together, made new friends, played games, fallen asleep together, eaten together, and loved each other's company for over a week and a half in Greece. Since then, we have grown so much closer than we were even in Greece. As I thought about this, I realized that right there was my reason to go to Paris. My friend Siena. After all, if anything is worth work in your life, it must be your friendships and relationships. 

Long story short, I am now going to Paris in April with one of my best friends. She is one of the most amazing people I know and she is the reason I am working for this. 

Once again, we are fundraising most of the trip. Our last big fundraiser is a Walkathon. This means that we are going to walk 10 miles in preparation for the 8-10 miles we will be walking daily on our trip. My class has been working diligently on our academic projects which have included sketchbooks of anatomy, exhibits on French Jazz, and raps on Victor Hugo's interests and beliefs in architecture. (The last one is mine.) 

If you are interested in pledging money towards my trip, please let me know. You are welcome to donate per mile or a flat sum. Any questions are more than welcome whether you give money or not.

Thank you all! 

Love, Abiel

P.S. Attached are a few pictures of us from my trip to Greece. There is one of Siena and I with a towel swan. (A swan folded from a towel.) The "Thank You" pictures are on our cruise ship with Santorini behind us.

If you would like to support her trip, please contact me in the comments and I will be in touch with you. Thank you!

Quote of the week

Waking Up to Life

A study was posted in the Harvard Gazette reporting "about 47% of waking hours are spent thinking about what isn't going on." Rumination on the past and anxiety about the future produces unhappiness and wastes our actual life moments.

Waking up to life does not mean you must leave what is to find what may never be. Waking up starts by simply being present to the moment, present to yourself, present to nature, present to the people in your world, present to the voice of God within and without, present and aware of the here and now. As you do, you will find your authentic self and the path you are walking on will lead to all you need to experience, one present moment at a time.

I watched an old Robin Williams movie called, "Awakenings" based on a true story of a researcher/doctor who assists in helping several catatonic patients "wake up." As he helps them, he finds himself waking up. It's a thought provoking movie if you're looking for one of those.

Remembering

A year ago today, I woke up in Thailand. 

What a privilege and honor to bring 

Love and Healing

 to people around the globe

with this group of my craziest, amazing friends.

Loving these memories and celebrating all

the good things that came from that time in Thailand. 

(Also celebrating a year of consistent blogging!

Yay for attempting to speak my authentic voice.)

\

I would travel anywhere with these people,

and that's not something I can say about everyone!

I love hearing the heart of God pour out of my dearest friend,

as she is here with the highschool students we poured into.

Loving the opportunity to share my story with a beautiful group of 

girls at a juvenile detention center. 

Oh the joy of interacting with the street vendors and

taking every opportunity I could to get a fresh coconut!

Taking a much needed day of Rest and Relaxation before round 2.

Round 2 with a new team, new assignment, just as mindblowing!

Last night of the conference we hosted. Finishing up in joy!

My moment of glory on the back of an elephant. Delightful. 

Solitude and Silence

It takes space, solitude and silence to find out what is really happening in the depths of my being, to uncover what hides in shadows and find the living things worth saying. I am beyond grateful for 24 hours of solitude and silence in the beauty of Three Rivers. I rode the song of the frogs into the darkness and found rest. My spirit floated on the current of the rushing river and found refreshing. My soul rose with the rays of the sun and found warmth. Physical connection to nature carried me into the depths of my being, warming icy and impenetrable pockets of my heart. All of this in less than 24 hours of silence in the solitude of nature. Once again I feel alive, not just at the edges of my being but in the very center where the fires of passion and peace burn together.

Excerpt from Letters to a Young Poet

These days, I'm in love with Rainer Maria Rilke. His words, penned over a hundred years ago, resonate in my inner being causing me to feel less alone in my crazy world of pondering. This is an excerpt from "Letters to a Young Poet." I'm convicted and inspired to write what I see, feel, love and lose. For then, maybe I will have something to say that needs to be heard.


  "You ask whether your verses are any good. You ask me. You have asked others before this. You send them to magazines. You compare them with other poems, and you are upset when certain editors reject your work. Now (since you have said you want my advice) I beg you to stop doing that sort of thing. You are looking outside, and that is what you should most avoid right now. No one can advise or help you - no one. There is only one thing you should do. Go into yourself. Find out the reason that commands you to write; see whether it has spread its roots into the very depths of your heart; confess to yourself whether you would have to die if you were forbidden to write. This most of all: ask yourself in the most silent hour of your night: must I write? Dig into yourself for a deep answer. And if this answer rings out in assent, if you met this solemn question with a strong, simple "I must," then build your life in accordance with this necessity; your whole life, even into its humblest and most indifferent hour, must become a sign and witness to this impulse. Then come close to Nature. Then, as if no one had ever tried before, try to say what you see and feel and love and lose."

I LOVE MY JOB!

Today I couldn't feel more grateful for the opportunity to become a craniosacral, reiki, massage therapist! I've had three clients this week and I'm in heaven. This is exactly what I'm supposed to be doing with my life right now. My heart is full. My inner world is peaceful. And my spirit is soaring. I don't know where this path will lead but I'm enjoying every step. These are pictures of my sacred space/work space.

 One of my students/friends painted these for me. 

They sit on my desk and are the perfect visual expression

of what is happening in my life.

Thank you, Siena!

Last year, in my Personal Development Class, we talked about being hot air balloons and 

what makes it difficult to actually lift off into the beautiful horizon of our destiny. 

We talked about how 

people around us, sometimes those closest to us, won't know what to do with us if or when

we start to ascend. 

It's often difficult for those who like the stability of the ground

to allow those who are ready to fly

to be released to do so.

If you see someone in your world making changes, 

wanting to brave the unknown to discover their place in the world, 

their part in impacting this beautiful planet with their gifts and creativity,

I would ask you to be one who helps cut the sandbags free, 

empowering your loved one to soar, to become that

colorful, inspiring hot air balloon rising into the morning mist at sunrise.

If you don't consciously choose to help cut the sandbags free,

you may unknowingly become the sandbag that keeps 

the one you love from truly becoming all they 

are created to become. 

Fly, my friends. It's thrillingly, breathtakingly, life awakening.

The world needs you to be ALIVE. 

Sacred Spaces

I've had the longing to create a sacred space for myself somewhere in the house. Eons ago, when we actually owned a house, I had a beautiful prayer room. I haven't had that kind of personal space since.

Yesterday was a cozy, rainy, stay in my pjs day from start to finish. I worked on creating the sacred space that will also be my work space. I didn't have to do very much to make the space feel safe, warm and inviting. As I sit here typing, I wonder what took me so long to create this place of peace and simple beauty. I must have accomplished the intentions I set forth because three of the four of my kids don't want to leave the room and two asked if they can have a massage yesterday and today. I'm going to trust their safety, cozy radar and look forward to my first craniosacral therapy appointment tomorrow.

Quote of the week

"To be human is to need others,

and this is no flaw or weakness."

- Sue Johnson

Smile First

Judgments. We can't get around them, but we can learn to look beyond them or reframe them altogether. I think it's important that I do or I will miss out on knowing some pretty amazing people in my world.

My kids and I have been talking about the kind of judgment they feel from some people after they decided to experiment with appearance and clothes. Three of the four of my kids have dyed their hair and the fourth is my son who refuses to cut his hair. All of them are eclectic dressers, each experimenting with their own wacky style. Abiel is the most perceptive to the energy of judgment directed at her. Do people with tattoos, dyed hair, unusual piercings, black clothes, mismatched clothes, hippy clothes, business suits, work out clothes, cowboy clothes, etc make you decide you already know what they are like? Or does the person you're judging just respond to your judging energy with defense, therefore affirming what you assume in the first place?

I don't know. Stereotypes are there for some reason. I'm not saying they don't hold a smidgeon of accuracy. And certainly we can come from the other angle and try to understand what image a person is trying to portray with their clothes or accessories and why (socially acceptable or not). But that's for another post.

Several people simply do not want to follow the crowd. They are in search of the authentic self through expressive avenues of hair color, style, body art, or clothing. You might miss out on wonderful human beings because of judgment. If you smile with acceptance at my daughter, you will be received with a warm hello and an intelligent conversation that probably contains more 5 syllable words than you've heard in a month. If you look away in judgment because her hair is red, assuming she is a punk teen in an identity crisis, you will be losing out on a friendly interaction with a delightful person.

Try smiling before making the judgment. You might be pleasantly surprised.