I've had a few good days after a week of intense "fall depression." I've come to a new perspective on my seasonal crash. I realized the depression doesn't come from wanting or needing to sleep more, pulling back relationally, eating every carb in sight, or staying home bundled up with a good book. The feeling of depression enters with the guilt that comes from neglecting the "shoulds" and cultural expectations, failing to live up to my own ideals of what is productive, my own set of rules to be a "good" parent.
I've decided to step out of the guilt, reframe my actions and interpret the pulling back in a new way. I am not failing my children. I am not lazy. I am not depressed. I am not irresponsible. I am simply choosing to respond to the authentic reaction of my body to fall. Period. New picture painted. Situation reframed. Embracing the new reality. Happy fall!
Emie, I know that only someone on the outside could probably see this right now, but I'm going to say it: it is so incredibly beautiful and freeing for me to watch you feel so deeply. Our society, I have felt, tends to tell us to set deep feelings aside in the name of "productivity"--whatever that means--and God NEVER SAYS THAT. You are right where you need to be and it's a breath of fresh air to be let consistently into someone else's process. Please, please don't stop writing. And all the thoughts of you, Lord knows, touch the chords of my heart that play prayers.
ReplyDeleteTraci, I can't thank you enough for your encouragement from afar on this journey of authentically putting myself in words. Thank you. Love, love, love to you! e
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