Messy

This past week was rough in every area of my life.

Diagnosis of concussion and adrenal fatigue being the cause of my inability to focus, remember some things, handle stress, sleep well, make decisions, keep time and remembering events on a normal continuum, reading for long periods, etc. was a lot harder for me to handle than experiencing bodily injuries.

When we returned from a year in Africa 7 years ago, I had a bad case of adrenal fatigue that took me 3 years of hiding and doing only things to promote healing to fully recover.  It was a physical, emotional and spiritual crash.  When my doctor affirmed adrenal fatigue as a present problem, I immediately knew what I'm up against.  Yes, I'm a different person, I know how to take care of myself better, and I'm under the care of a great doctor who can speed up the healing process, but it feels scary to be back here. Even so, I've done this before.  I can do it again.  I am determined to heal.  Fully. . .

Yet the honest flip side of my determination is that I simply don't feel able or prepared to put as much effort into healing as I had to 7 years ago.  It took all my focus. All of life revolved around choices for healing. Ultimately, that meant pairing life down to the bare minimum. I don't feel like I have that luxury right now with 4 older children and an opportunity to move to Thailand on the horizon.  But what choice do I have?  It is that or the scenario below.

Yesterday, I overdid it.  By 4:30 I was completely spent and completely lost it on my family.  I wish I had a redo button.  I wish I could erase memories, theirs and mine.  I wish I could take back everything I said and did. I wish that anger wasn't such a familiar vice. I wish I were a quiet, patient, subdued person who could think before I spoke. I wish I could do this healing process alone. But that's not my reality. Especially not right now.

So what is left for me?  Hoping for the strength of forgiveness and unconditional love to be something real in my closest relationships.  I feel like I'm flailing and failing.  I feel the worst version of me with the people that I'm supposed to love the most.  I want to hide so I don't hurt anyone with my inability to cope right now.  Or run away.  This is the messiest I've felt in my head in years.

I know I won't be here forever.  But it is the place that I am.  I'm not needing answers, only to be heard and sent love and prayers.  Thanks for joining me at the window of my soul, even in the dark.