Reflection beside a Tree

I want Life.

Life that goes far below the surface 

to deep, hidden waterways.

Life that soaks up all the goodness from the depths,

then reaches up and up and up to the sun,

always outstretched in glorious vulnerability, revealing the strength of the deep.

Not proud of the little that is seen

but confident in the vast goodness that is unseen and sustains the visible beauty.

A humble admittance, reliance, and gratefulness

for all that holds me fast.

Quote of the Week

"We have generally been trained to use our words as if they WERE the things they name, as if they contained the reality of the things at which they can only point.  When we use language in this way, our words take what we initially "see" and freeze what is not frozen, what in reality is fluid.  They lable, box, catergorize life. Our words then separate us from the world, from each other, from ourselves."

 G. Lynn Nelson from "Writing and Being"

A Song in the Night

I can usually tell the state of my emotional health by the presence or absence of a song in my spirit.

Sleep has been elusive.  I've been able to fall asleep initially, but if I wake up for any reason, I cannot settle back into rest.  So I listen.  There is no internal song these nights.

I have no emotional energy to dig deep, to figure out how to recenter or what's in the way.  There's no song and it feels too overwhelming to do anything to change that.  So as I let the darkness hug me, I am listening.

At first, all I could hear were sounds of a city at night and a quiet house; cars and sirens and train whistles; the gentle ticking of the clock and an occasional cough from a sleeping child.  But then I began to hear something else.  Every night. Whenever I wake up, until the second I fall back to sleep.

It took me awhile to make friends with the Northern Mockingbird who chirps outside my window all night long.  I was annoyed at first, blaming my inability to fall back to sleep on him.  But over the last few days, I've decided to listen more carefully, to glean from what he is offering.

One of the things I learned about this little guy from the trusty Internet is that he will continue to add new sounds to his repertoire throughout his life.  He may learn around 200 songs before he dies.  Remarkable.

In my songless night season, maybe I'm in between songs.  Maybe the old song disappeared so I can embrace a new sound, create a new song.  That possibility is hope as the darkness continues to hug me almost too tightly and the mockingbird shares his song with me tonight.

Song of the Week

I fell in love with this Joshua Radin song a couple years ago.  If you have 3 1/2 min, it's worth listening to.  Brand New Day

If you have 3 1/2 more minutes . . .
If you have a dry sense of humor . . .
If you need a giant laugh . . .
If life has dealt you a few bad cards . . .

. . . the official music video might be worth a laugh.  To get the full effect of the dry sense of humor, you should listen to the one above first.  I found the video long after I fell in love with the song and it has become one of my favorite music videos of all time.  When I shared this with my personal development class, they thought I might be a bit morbid.  :)  The song came to mind shortly after my car accident.  Enjoy!
 Official Music Video of Brand New Day

Determined

There are many words to describe me.  Determined is the word of the week.

I am determined to heal.  Fully.

I am determined to feel.  Everything.

I am determined to live in the moment and enjoy the people I'm with and the beauty of what is in the present.

I am determined to be full of hope and inspiration.

My body is healing from the car accident.  I'm still sore but today I only took half the amount of ibuprofen that I took yesterday.  Sneezing still hurts like heck and I get tired more quickly as my body is using so much extra energy to heal bruises and muscles and ligaments.  I am grateful for the genius of our bodies.  They were made to heal.

Emotions are another story.  The last three days have felt like an emotional train wreck in my head.  I can't focus long enough to journal it out.  I haven't had many conversations that have brought much clarity to what I'm feeling.  It's jumbly.  So I'm chalking it up to the aftermath of a traumatic experience and I'll ride this wave of emotion to the shore.  Then I'll lay on the sand in the warm sun and probably cry my eyes out and feel all better.  Because I'm determined to feel . . . better.

That's the view from the window of my soul tonight.

Coyotes, Coincidences and Car Wrecks

I've been thinking about life and death quite a bit since a shooting near our house ended in someones death on Saturday evening.  I'm not scared of death.  At all.  That's for another post.  Monday afternoon, I was driving in town and wondering where my kids are at with death.  I determined to have a good conversation with each of them about it.

Tuesday, the kids and I were driving to the school.  At 70 mph, I skimmed the back end of a coyote that jumped out of nowhere right in front of me!  Heart stopped for a second, adrenaline hit me and my legs went spaghetti.  The interstate was busy and if I would've hit the thing head on, I'm not sure what would've happened.  Car wreck was on my mind.

On the way home from school, a giant black bird almost flew directly into the front of my car on the same interstate.  That's when I took note and just said, ¨What is it with animals trying to hit me?¨

Abiel needed books at the library so I dropped the other kids off at home before going.  I had a free drink at Starbucks that I always save for Abiel, so we swung by before hitting the library.  Unfortunately, we got hit before we hit the library.  Going 40 mph through an intersection, I didn't even see the SUV until it was hitting the front end of my Prius right before my driver door.  I didn't even have time to hit the breaks. I woke up with a pole too close to my shattered windshield and someone saying that the ambulance was on the way.

I was never afraid.  It didn't even cross my mind that I might die or be dying.  There were many miracles in our accident.  Many people were thinking of us, praying for us, sending us healing and love.  We felt held, carried, and healed over the 8 hours we spent in the ER.  From the diagnosis of broken sternum and ribs to ¨You're CT scans are all clear! I guess you can go home tonight,¨  and nurses saying, ¨I talked to the EMT and you should not be going home tonight.  You are very lucky.¨

I never imagined the death conversation would be on the heels of my own brush with death.  I'm beyond thankful that I'm going to be snuggling up with them on the couch and having this discussion with only whiplash and some big bruises.  I'm grateful that my time isn't expired.  

Thank you for all your love and prayers.  

  

Quote of the Week

¨No one can enter the river wearing the garments of public and collective ideas.  He must feel the water on his skin.  He must know that immediacy is for naked minds only, and for the innocent.¨

-  Thomas Merton from Raids of the Unspeakable

Different Ways of Seeing

When I was growing up, I believed there was only one right way to do everything.  One way to do the dishes, the laundry, my math problem, clean the toilet, print the letter a, believe about God and the list went on and on and on.  I didn't do sleepovers very often but I vividly remember one in junior high.  My friend's house was not the same kind of messy as my house.  Her parents didn't seem to talk to each other the same way mine did.  In fact, her parents weren't even around the same way mine were.  At the time, I didn't have a paradigm for different ways of living.  It didn't even occur to me that this was simply a different way of doing clean or family or communication.  It was just wrong.

Today, our family has an amazing community of friends.  My kids spend a good amount of time at friend's houses. My kids notice how Samuel's mom is different than I am and how Rahim's mom is better at this than I am.  I LOVE THIS! My kids have experienced many different types of clean houses, communicating with family members, creative expressions, talents and personalities of moms and dads.  When we talk about how families do life differently, I love pointing out the beauty and strengths and differences of my friends and giving my children other pictures and valid options for the way they may choose to live their lives someday.

I'm not sure there is a right way to do anything anymore.  Maybe there are more efficient ways, if efficiency is important to you, or more relational ways, if relationships are the most valued thing.  Maybe there are more creative ways, if creativity and free flowing form are vital to your being, or more structured ways, if order and checklists float your boat.  But who am I to say that there is a right way to fold the laundry. . .  or do I need to fold it at all?  ;)

Communication

"When people talk to each other, they never say what they mean. They say something else and you're expected to just know what they mean."  

- Alan Turing from "The Imitation Game"

 

"The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place."

- George Bernard Shaw

Being Seen

  I heard a speaker say that we feel we can either be seen or loved but not both.  We often hide because our need for love overpowers the need to be seen.  If you really see me in the yuckiest places, you may not be able to love me . . . so I will keep that part hidden.
  Heath and I went to a marriage counselor yesterday.  He talked about the need to be seen.   I was tuned in. I've determined to see the homeless man digging in my trash can.  Have I fallen asleep in the most important relationships?  I'll admit, sometimes it feels too hard to keep seeing and loving at the same time when there's no curtain to pull or when what I see hurts me too deeply.  I've stopped looking for and consequently stopped seeing the glory of God in the person I'm the closest to.  My need, my pain has blinded me.  I am so human.
  I may aspire to love Heath unconditionally but I'm not sure I'll ever get there. I'm not convinced Heath will be able to see all my worst and love me unconditionally either.  But I do not feel hopeless or unloved at my core.  I have relationship with One who sees it all, every terrible thought, all the mess, all the years of hurt and my unhealthy responses and patterns and loves me COMPLETELY.  I am not one bit ashamed or afraid to stand vulnerable and open before my God.  I am seen AND loved.  When I focus on Love pouring in, even for a minute, I can feel it filling me in my deepest being.
  I cannot give away what I do not possess.  Tonight as I try to fall asleep, I will be snuggled into the reality that Holy Spirit is within and without, pouring the Love of God into my heart even as he sees every last bit of me.
  "You Don't Miss a Thing"

Quote of the day

"Sometimes it is the people who no one imagines anything of who do the things that no one can imagine."

- Christopher from "The Imitation Game"

Seeing

The people of Mozambique, Africa are beautiful and amazing.  But when I lived there 7 years ago, the poverty undid me.  There were many things I didn't know how to cope with but the most difficult scenario for me was the trash heap outside our compound. We would take our kitchen, bathroom, and house trash out to the pile.  Within minutes, children of all ages were digging through our trash.  Any time of day we passed by the trash heap, a child or two would be foraging for something useful.  I never got over it, never got used to it, could hardly throw anything away without wondering which child would find it a treasure.  I hated it.  I still hate the memories.  

I came home from Chiangmai to a beautiful, 100 year old home in old town Visalia.  We are only a few blocks away from the park of choice for the homeless population of the city.  It's nothing to see a shopping cart pushed by the front yard or people digging through our trash can out front.  Flashback to the feelings in Mozambique came in full force.  It's easier to ignore here.  I can close the curtain or bury the feelings that rise from the depths of my heart.  At least it's not children in my trash can.  

If I know anything after almost 40 years of life, I know that I cannot take on every cause that breaks my heart or tugs at me or makes me weep.  I can't get involved with every hurting person I run into.  I am not a savior. I think most people decide that it's too difficult to discern which situations to care about or what people to invest in so it's easier to stop caring at all, to fall asleep.  I've decided to stay awake.  In staying awake, I need to discern what I'm being asked to do, what I CAN do.  

It's one more reason for me to stay intimately connected to Creator God and to know myself.  What is He asking of me, saying to me?  Who am I?  What is the overarching work of my life, my giftings?  What is my sphere of influence? What is my personal manifesto?  What is the bulls eye of my life?  What do I have to say no to in order to stay the course and say yes to my life purpose?  How do I stay wide awake with eyes wide open to see the pain in the world without feeling guilty for not doing something about every situation, or without feeling so overwhelmed by the sadness I see in others that I shut down?

Ultimately, I can smile.  I can acknowledge a person's humanity and uniqueness simply by looking a person in the eyes in a way that says, ¨I see you.¨  I may not be able to help every time or even most times, but I can see.  I can smile.  I can honor the glory of God in the man digging through my trash.  And I can keep my heart full of love and hope and peace and honor as I listen for the Creator of the Universe to show me where to pour out, reach out, spill over.  I will do my best to actively love when it seems obvious I am to do that. And I will do my best to see and honor people when I cannot.  

Happy seeing!