As we walked the night market, there were several things that caught my eye. I would stop, look at the price tag and decide if it was worth it to me. All of our choices have a price tag. It's been an important lesson for me learning to flip the price tag over and see what my choices are costing me. What is it costing me to live the American dream? What is it costing me to live an untethered, unconventional life? What is it costing me to think outside of religious boxes? What is it costing me to stay comfortable in my religious boxes and not ask questions? What is it costing me to agree that my husband should quit his well paying job and venture into unknown territory of self employment for the purpose of being free to travel? Every choice is costing us something, even the choice we make by default.
So . . . last post I was gushing about the beauty of the world and how much I love it and how everyone should just GO! That's still for real. . . but. . . .
Here's the pricetag. Maybe you'd like to know what you may have to pay for living a life that you can get up and go on a 5 week trip to Thailand when you're asked or spend 13 days in Peru just because its on your heart or take off for Africa for 3 months because you know there's another way of seeing and doing life and you can't find it in western culture.
You will pay money, but that's not why you're not traveling if you really want to be. We are willing to put our money wherever we really want to put it. We amazingly find money to do almost everything we REALLY want to be doing.
No, money isn't the pricetag that is too steep and keeps you at home. Comfort is. Security is. Predictability is. Most of us are addicted to these. Anything outside of comfort, security, predictability costs way too much. It feels like anything outside that circle might kill us. And to be sure, it does kill us . . . but then we are reborn into something so much more alive and full and real.
As a family, here we are again. . . face to face with the grand master of life saying it's time to pay the bill for our travel and our freedom. Yesterday I realized with all it's weight that the beautiful home we have been renting from our amazing friends until they can sell it, is selling . . . I return from Thailand late on the night of March 15th and our move out date is March 20th. ummmmmmmm
It's not that I'm super sad about leaving the house. I knew from the beginning it was a gift to me that could last a month or 12. I had to decide right at the start that I was going to love every moment in that beautiful space, soaking in the view, the solitude, the place of beauty and rest with open hands. I did that. My heart feels ok about leaving the house. It was never mine. I just got to enjoy it for a year.
So what is the pricetag? Uncertainty. Here we are again, wondering where we will go, what to do and what will open up for us. And how. I like knowing. I like plans. I like security even if it is an illusion. So as our Thailand team was gathered around me as a sobbing mess, Trevor had words that took it right to the core of the issue for me. "Emie, this is what you signed up for. You're all in. This is it. This is part of the deal. It's all ok. Beautifully in over your head."
Yep. This is what I've chosen. And it really, really, really is what I want. Everything I'm experiencing of life and becoming who I'm created to be and the freedom of going when I know I need to go or when Heath needs to go . . . to teach and release people from burdens, to love and bring light and Life to everyone I meet, to see the world and learn from people of different nations and religions and ways of living. This momentary uncertainty is worth it all. I'm beautifully in over my head. Here are the words to the song that Trevor was referring to.
"I'm standing knee deep but I'm now where I've never been. I feel You coming and I hear Your voice on the wind. Would You come and tear down the boxes that I have tried to put You in, let Love come teach me who You are again. . . .
Further and further my heart moves away from the shore. Whatever it looks like, whatever may come, I am Yours. And You crash over me. I've lost control but I'm free. I'm going under. I'm in over my head.
Whether I sink, whether I swim. it makes no difference when I'm beautifully in over my head." From the song In Over My Head by Jenn Johnson on the album We Will Not be Shaken
Maybe someday these moments of great uncertainty will not make me weep. But whether or not that happens, I will keep moving forward in this journey because this price is worth it to me, even though I hate writing the check. Everthing I'm gaining in return is REAL LIVING to me. And that is worth it to me.
So look at your dreams and count the real cost. . . It may be that what I'm losing in the way of the illusions of my comfort, I will gain in the true experiences of freedom and being fully ALIVE. Maybe. . . :)
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Thanks for sharing your respectful thoughts.