Yesterday was an amazing day. It was our first touristy event since we got here 21 days ago. Ok well, the walking market was touristy but I've done that sort of thing before. I have never ridden an elephant in my life. Until yesterday.
I enjoyed every moment of my day with the elephants. My face was glued with a permasmile at the end of it all. We got to ride in an oxcart and it felt like I was living 100 years in the past. We rode elephants in seats on their backs and I felt like a princess in Siam. We took a beautiful 55 min bamboo raft ride down a little river that had elephants on the sides of the banks and the peaceful beauty of this area of Northern Thailand. I felt full and refreshed after a long day with good friends and real elephants and beautiful nature.
We also watched a show the elephants put on. They are intelligent animals with amazing memories. The men working with them during the show seemed to treat them nicely enough. But I couldn't help but wonder how much the elephants would enjoy freedom more than performing and applause, maybe more than the games they have to play over and over and over, maybe more than the paintings they painted (for real - it was awe inspiring). These beautiful creatures wowed the audience and performed and painted and played the games and we all applauded. But they aren't free.
What are my task masters? What are the games I've learned to play, the applause, or approval, or the money I'm performing for? What scenes do I find myself painting over and over and over? What chains are around my feet that keep me bound to the barn when I was created for the jungles? Whose voices do I respond to instead of realizing I could just squish that little task master speaking in my ear and run to my freedom. What have I allowed to train me and make me forget the power and intelligence and freedom and beauty I was created for.
I enjoyed the elephants. But they weren't created for my applause. And for that, my heart felt heavy. I'm meeting with many students for breakfast and after school. I'm just helping them identify a few little task masters, hoping they will remember who they really are, or maybe discover the potential within them in a brand new way through new lenses, with new light.
I couldn't go break the chains of those beautiful, intelligent, powerful elephants, but I think I've been able to break a few chains off the beautiful, intelligent, powerful young people I've been able to meet with. And as I am, a few of my own are breaking off as well.
Friday, February 27, 2015
Tuesday, February 24, 2015
Pricetags
As we walked the night market, there were several things that caught my eye. I would stop, look at the price tag and decide if it was worth it to me. All of our choices have a price tag. It's been an important lesson for me learning to flip the price tag over and see what my choices are costing me. What is it costing me to live the American dream? What is it costing me to live an untethered, unconventional life? What is it costing me to think outside of religious boxes? What is it costing me to stay comfortable in my religious boxes and not ask questions? What is it costing me to agree that my husband should quit his well paying job and venture into unknown territory of self employment for the purpose of being free to travel? Every choice is costing us something, even the choice we make by default.
So . . . last post I was gushing about the beauty of the world and how much I love it and how everyone should just GO! That's still for real. . . but. . . .
Here's the pricetag. Maybe you'd like to know what you may have to pay for living a life that you can get up and go on a 5 week trip to Thailand when you're asked or spend 13 days in Peru just because its on your heart or take off for Africa for 3 months because you know there's another way of seeing and doing life and you can't find it in western culture.
You will pay money, but that's not why you're not traveling if you really want to be. We are willing to put our money wherever we really want to put it. We amazingly find money to do almost everything we REALLY want to be doing.
No, money isn't the pricetag that is too steep and keeps you at home. Comfort is. Security is. Predictability is. Most of us are addicted to these. Anything outside of comfort, security, predictability costs way too much. It feels like anything outside that circle might kill us. And to be sure, it does kill us . . . but then we are reborn into something so much more alive and full and real.
As a family, here we are again. . . face to face with the grand master of life saying it's time to pay the bill for our travel and our freedom. Yesterday I realized with all it's weight that the beautiful home we have been renting from our amazing friends until they can sell it, is selling . . . I return from Thailand late on the night of March 15th and our move out date is March 20th. ummmmmmmm
It's not that I'm super sad about leaving the house. I knew from the beginning it was a gift to me that could last a month or 12. I had to decide right at the start that I was going to love every moment in that beautiful space, soaking in the view, the solitude, the place of beauty and rest with open hands. I did that. My heart feels ok about leaving the house. It was never mine. I just got to enjoy it for a year.
So what is the pricetag? Uncertainty. Here we are again, wondering where we will go, what to do and what will open up for us. And how. I like knowing. I like plans. I like security even if it is an illusion. So as our Thailand team was gathered around me as a sobbing mess, Trevor had words that took it right to the core of the issue for me. "Emie, this is what you signed up for. You're all in. This is it. This is part of the deal. It's all ok. Beautifully in over your head."
Yep. This is what I've chosen. And it really, really, really is what I want. Everything I'm experiencing of life and becoming who I'm created to be and the freedom of going when I know I need to go or when Heath needs to go . . . to teach and release people from burdens, to love and bring light and Life to everyone I meet, to see the world and learn from people of different nations and religions and ways of living. This momentary uncertainty is worth it all. I'm beautifully in over my head. Here are the words to the song that Trevor was referring to.
"I'm standing knee deep but I'm now where I've never been. I feel You coming and I hear Your voice on the wind. Would You come and tear down the boxes that I have tried to put You in, let Love come teach me who You are again. . . .
Further and further my heart moves away from the shore. Whatever it looks like, whatever may come, I am Yours. And You crash over me. I've lost control but I'm free. I'm going under. I'm in over my head.
Whether I sink, whether I swim. it makes no difference when I'm beautifully in over my head." From the song In Over My Head by Jenn Johnson on the album We Will Not be Shaken
Maybe someday these moments of great uncertainty will not make me weep. But whether or not that happens, I will keep moving forward in this journey because this price is worth it to me, even though I hate writing the check. Everthing I'm gaining in return is REAL LIVING to me. And that is worth it to me.
So look at your dreams and count the real cost. . . It may be that what I'm losing in the way of the illusions of my comfort, I will gain in the true experiences of freedom and being fully ALIVE. Maybe. . . :)
So . . . last post I was gushing about the beauty of the world and how much I love it and how everyone should just GO! That's still for real. . . but. . . .
Here's the pricetag. Maybe you'd like to know what you may have to pay for living a life that you can get up and go on a 5 week trip to Thailand when you're asked or spend 13 days in Peru just because its on your heart or take off for Africa for 3 months because you know there's another way of seeing and doing life and you can't find it in western culture.
You will pay money, but that's not why you're not traveling if you really want to be. We are willing to put our money wherever we really want to put it. We amazingly find money to do almost everything we REALLY want to be doing.
No, money isn't the pricetag that is too steep and keeps you at home. Comfort is. Security is. Predictability is. Most of us are addicted to these. Anything outside of comfort, security, predictability costs way too much. It feels like anything outside that circle might kill us. And to be sure, it does kill us . . . but then we are reborn into something so much more alive and full and real.
As a family, here we are again. . . face to face with the grand master of life saying it's time to pay the bill for our travel and our freedom. Yesterday I realized with all it's weight that the beautiful home we have been renting from our amazing friends until they can sell it, is selling . . . I return from Thailand late on the night of March 15th and our move out date is March 20th. ummmmmmmm
It's not that I'm super sad about leaving the house. I knew from the beginning it was a gift to me that could last a month or 12. I had to decide right at the start that I was going to love every moment in that beautiful space, soaking in the view, the solitude, the place of beauty and rest with open hands. I did that. My heart feels ok about leaving the house. It was never mine. I just got to enjoy it for a year.
So what is the pricetag? Uncertainty. Here we are again, wondering where we will go, what to do and what will open up for us. And how. I like knowing. I like plans. I like security even if it is an illusion. So as our Thailand team was gathered around me as a sobbing mess, Trevor had words that took it right to the core of the issue for me. "Emie, this is what you signed up for. You're all in. This is it. This is part of the deal. It's all ok. Beautifully in over your head."
Yep. This is what I've chosen. And it really, really, really is what I want. Everything I'm experiencing of life and becoming who I'm created to be and the freedom of going when I know I need to go or when Heath needs to go . . . to teach and release people from burdens, to love and bring light and Life to everyone I meet, to see the world and learn from people of different nations and religions and ways of living. This momentary uncertainty is worth it all. I'm beautifully in over my head. Here are the words to the song that Trevor was referring to.
"I'm standing knee deep but I'm now where I've never been. I feel You coming and I hear Your voice on the wind. Would You come and tear down the boxes that I have tried to put You in, let Love come teach me who You are again. . . .
Further and further my heart moves away from the shore. Whatever it looks like, whatever may come, I am Yours. And You crash over me. I've lost control but I'm free. I'm going under. I'm in over my head.
Whether I sink, whether I swim. it makes no difference when I'm beautifully in over my head." From the song In Over My Head by Jenn Johnson on the album We Will Not be Shaken
Maybe someday these moments of great uncertainty will not make me weep. But whether or not that happens, I will keep moving forward in this journey because this price is worth it to me, even though I hate writing the check. Everthing I'm gaining in return is REAL LIVING to me. And that is worth it to me.
So look at your dreams and count the real cost. . . It may be that what I'm losing in the way of the illusions of my comfort, I will gain in the true experiences of freedom and being fully ALIVE. Maybe. . . :)
Monday, February 23, 2015
For the love of travel
As we were walking through the Sunday night street market in Chiangmai last night, I was overwhelmed again with the deep wish that I could share this with all my beautiful students, everyone I love. The brightly colored elephant paintings, handmade scarves and journals, and shoes, and trinkets, the sounds of dozens of languages being spoken around me and crazy instruments and street performers, the smells of pad thai, fried foods, sweet desserts, fresh fruit, and sweaty people, the feeling of adventure and the connectedness of humanity through a smile. It was a feast for all the senses. And as I would stand back in a pocket of space among the crowds to observe, love and intrigue and awe filled me every time. The world is a wondrous place. New cultures are a marvel. Bathrooms you cannot describe, tentacles swimming in soups and squid frying on grills, beautiful lanterns of color hanging everywhere and ornate temples in random places. Beautiful faces representing many nations and traffic that makes your hair stand on end and rides in tuk tuks and song taus, flying in and out of traffic. It makes me come alive on the inside. Ryan keeps saying I need to stop gushing. But I can't help it. I'm so thankful for this opportunity to experience a new way of seeing, even if it is for a few short weeks. I'm so in love with people from all over the world that I can't help but say how much I love this!
Maybe travel isn't in everybody's dna, but if you have any inkling whatsoever to see the world. . . JUST GO! The world will not disappoint in opening your eyes and your heart to new ways of seeing, feeling, doing life. I am a better person for the traveling I have been privileged to do. And if you ever need a traveling partner. . . . I'd love to tag along. :)
Maybe travel isn't in everybody's dna, but if you have any inkling whatsoever to see the world. . . JUST GO! The world will not disappoint in opening your eyes and your heart to new ways of seeing, feeling, doing life. I am a better person for the traveling I have been privileged to do. And if you ever need a traveling partner. . . . I'd love to tag along. :)
Sunday, February 15, 2015
Heavy Burdens
One of the things I am passionate about is helping people remove the heavy burdens they carry in life. I believe part of living life abundantly, passionately, and fully has a lot to do with the amount of weight we carry in our backpack.
I spent 24 hours from Friday night at 7pm to Saturday night at 8pm doing just that. We had a 24 hour prayer and worship room with reflective stations set up, music playing sometimes live and sometimes on a CD player, people ready to talk and pray, journals everywhere. People came in heavy and left free and light! I think that's what God is all about. He is the great exchanger. We give him our heavy burdens and he offers us his yoke which is easy and light. Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, self control, trust, confidence, forgiveness - these are things he gives us in return. He is even willing to work them out through His very Spirit within us. I learn to flow in His power and life gets a whole lot easier. In His Presence is fullness of JOY!
I ran the foot washing station, which I do quite often. I love this place, kneeling at the feet of people who are worn, weary, lonely, afraid, heavy and speaking life and hope into them, calling out their beauty and the goodness and potential in them and what God sees and washing their feet as a symbol of washing away the dirt. It was especially amazing yesterday as one sweet Asian woman asked if she could wash my feet. I think I have never felt so honored, been so encouraged, and felt so much life and truth and light pour into me as when she was praying and washing my feet. I only hope that is how people experience this beautiful act of foot-washing when the sit before me.
We start our week of teaching at the school tomorrow. I'm looking forward to calling students out from under burdens into LIFE! It's what we're made for!!!
I spent 24 hours from Friday night at 7pm to Saturday night at 8pm doing just that. We had a 24 hour prayer and worship room with reflective stations set up, music playing sometimes live and sometimes on a CD player, people ready to talk and pray, journals everywhere. People came in heavy and left free and light! I think that's what God is all about. He is the great exchanger. We give him our heavy burdens and he offers us his yoke which is easy and light. Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, self control, trust, confidence, forgiveness - these are things he gives us in return. He is even willing to work them out through His very Spirit within us. I learn to flow in His power and life gets a whole lot easier. In His Presence is fullness of JOY!
I ran the foot washing station, which I do quite often. I love this place, kneeling at the feet of people who are worn, weary, lonely, afraid, heavy and speaking life and hope into them, calling out their beauty and the goodness and potential in them and what God sees and washing their feet as a symbol of washing away the dirt. It was especially amazing yesterday as one sweet Asian woman asked if she could wash my feet. I think I have never felt so honored, been so encouraged, and felt so much life and truth and light pour into me as when she was praying and washing my feet. I only hope that is how people experience this beautiful act of foot-washing when the sit before me.
We start our week of teaching at the school tomorrow. I'm looking forward to calling students out from under burdens into LIFE! It's what we're made for!!!
Wednesday, February 11, 2015
Perceptions
I've been thinking a lot about the phenomenon of perception.
It rocks my world to think about a person experiencing the same moment in time and space and coming away with completely different experiences, largely due to how each person perceives the scenario and also factoring in our differing history which is what shapes our perception.
Could I really just put on different glasses and see this painful moment as just any other moment in time? Could it be as simple as changing perspectives? I'm beginning to believe it is so.
I'm surrounded by a bazillion religious ideologies here in Chiangmai. It's fun for me to be outside of it all and just watch. I feel like I can almost read people's perceptions of God, devil, people, life, ministry just by how they are interacting with the world around them. Most of it feels so very heavy and burdensome and fearful.
My perceptions have been shifting in the last several years concerning religious ideologies. I've decided those heavy perceptions don't work for me anymore. And if it's as easy as shifting a perception to be able to experience a different aspect of the world and God than I was experiencing before, then count me in. I think that's what it means when it says, "We are transformed by the renewing of our minds."
If you've never read the children's book, "Harold and the Purple Crayon," it's a must for everyone of any age. Harold has his little purple crayon and instead of going to bed, he draws pictures on his wall and steps into them. When he draws himself into a predicament, all he has to do is X out the picture and draw a new one. Waalaa. . . . a new perception!
I have several perceptions that I'm working on drawing new pictures for. I'm ready to have some new perceptions of men, of marriage, of womanhood. I am after Abundant Life. I am after Truth. I am after Unconditional Love. I am after Freedom. I will paint those pictures on my wall and step in.
Happy Picture Drawing!
"If all your thinking has brought you to a place you don't like, have another thought! It could just be the making of you." - Graham Cooke
Monday, February 9, 2015
I woke up in Thailand
This morning I woke up in Thailand.
When I was a little girl, I told my mom I was going to visit Germany someday. I had a passion for Germany because my grandma moved to America from there when she was 17. I had to get there. When I was 19, I spent 3 months in Heidelberg, Germany with a friend from college who lived there.
When I was an adolescent growing up in Montana and traveling very little, I told my mom I was going to live in Oregon someday. I'd never been there. I just knew I wanted to. I ended up going to college in Portland, Oregon and living there for almost 13 years.
Thirteen years ago I had a desire to visit Thailand. It felt out of the blue. I tried to get here a couple times and it fell through. But just as when I was a child and knew I had to get to Germany and was going to get to Oregon, I knew that Thailand was in my future. When Jill asked last year if I would come with her to Chiangmai, I couldn't believe it was happening. I made it to Thailand. I am equally in awe to be in this beautiful country one more time. It holds a feeling of belonging for me, similar to my feeling in Portland, Oregon.
Our 26 hours of travel to Chiangmai went incredibly smooth. We had an 8 hour layover in China and the airline got us a free hotel and breakfast! We were all pleasantly surprised to get a shower and a soft bed for a few hours after our 15 hour flight from LA. The warmth of Chiangmai welcomed us at 5:30 pm. We had dinner, found our home away from home and hit the hay by 9:30. We all slept through the night and woke up feeling rested and ready to start our adventures.
Today was a day of adjusting, getting groceries and odds and ends and of course a $5 massage for an hour. :) I don't want to take a moment of this journey for granted. Several times throughout the day I felt like I could burst into tears of joy just for the privilege of being here.
Our dreams, our desires, our longings . . . I don't think they're simply "out of the blue" anymore. I have started putting weight on the things I'm drawn to. And it is awe inspiring when those beautiful dreams become reality. Thailand is beautiful for me in more ways than a million.
Two friends in separate states gave me this verse before I left. I'm owning it. :)
"I will always show you where to go. I'll give you a full life in the emptiest of places - firm muscles, strong bones. You'll be like a well-watered garden, a gurgling spring that never runs dry." Isaiah 58:11
I know I will be pouring out a lot while I am here in Thailand, but I anticipate God doing as much or more in me than I will do in pouring out. My theme song for the trip is "No Longer Slaves" by Jonathan David and Melissa Helser. The lines that jumped out at me this morning are:
"You split the sea so I can walk right through it.
My fears are drowned in perfect love.
You rescue me and I will stand and sing
I am a child of God."
Part of becoming a well-watered garden, a gurgling spring that never runs dry is having my fears drown in perfect love. I have a sense that I will feel that happen for me in new ways in the next 5 weeks.
Thanks for being my friends who encourage and witness the beautiful transformation of a life with lots of dry and barren places becoming a well watered garden. I stand in awe of the transforming power of Love.
Goodnight from Thailand . . . and may your dreams come true.
When I was a little girl, I told my mom I was going to visit Germany someday. I had a passion for Germany because my grandma moved to America from there when she was 17. I had to get there. When I was 19, I spent 3 months in Heidelberg, Germany with a friend from college who lived there.
When I was an adolescent growing up in Montana and traveling very little, I told my mom I was going to live in Oregon someday. I'd never been there. I just knew I wanted to. I ended up going to college in Portland, Oregon and living there for almost 13 years.
Thirteen years ago I had a desire to visit Thailand. It felt out of the blue. I tried to get here a couple times and it fell through. But just as when I was a child and knew I had to get to Germany and was going to get to Oregon, I knew that Thailand was in my future. When Jill asked last year if I would come with her to Chiangmai, I couldn't believe it was happening. I made it to Thailand. I am equally in awe to be in this beautiful country one more time. It holds a feeling of belonging for me, similar to my feeling in Portland, Oregon.
Our 26 hours of travel to Chiangmai went incredibly smooth. We had an 8 hour layover in China and the airline got us a free hotel and breakfast! We were all pleasantly surprised to get a shower and a soft bed for a few hours after our 15 hour flight from LA. The warmth of Chiangmai welcomed us at 5:30 pm. We had dinner, found our home away from home and hit the hay by 9:30. We all slept through the night and woke up feeling rested and ready to start our adventures.
Today was a day of adjusting, getting groceries and odds and ends and of course a $5 massage for an hour. :) I don't want to take a moment of this journey for granted. Several times throughout the day I felt like I could burst into tears of joy just for the privilege of being here.
Our dreams, our desires, our longings . . . I don't think they're simply "out of the blue" anymore. I have started putting weight on the things I'm drawn to. And it is awe inspiring when those beautiful dreams become reality. Thailand is beautiful for me in more ways than a million.
Two friends in separate states gave me this verse before I left. I'm owning it. :)
"I will always show you where to go. I'll give you a full life in the emptiest of places - firm muscles, strong bones. You'll be like a well-watered garden, a gurgling spring that never runs dry." Isaiah 58:11
I know I will be pouring out a lot while I am here in Thailand, but I anticipate God doing as much or more in me than I will do in pouring out. My theme song for the trip is "No Longer Slaves" by Jonathan David and Melissa Helser. The lines that jumped out at me this morning are:
"You split the sea so I can walk right through it.
My fears are drowned in perfect love.
You rescue me and I will stand and sing
I am a child of God."
Part of becoming a well-watered garden, a gurgling spring that never runs dry is having my fears drown in perfect love. I have a sense that I will feel that happen for me in new ways in the next 5 weeks.
Thanks for being my friends who encourage and witness the beautiful transformation of a life with lots of dry and barren places becoming a well watered garden. I stand in awe of the transforming power of Love.
Goodnight from Thailand . . . and may your dreams come true.
Wednesday, February 4, 2015
Pre Trip Doubting
I have loved the idea of traveling since I was a child. I started traveling in college. My passion to explore the world, meet new people, learn new ways of living has only blossomed into beautiful reality for me.
Except the week leading up to leaving my family is never fun. I'm hoping it will get easier as the kids get older, but for now. . . it's just plain miserable. So the view from the window of my soul this evening was one of bickering kids, a silent husband, and thoughts running through my head like, "Is this really worth it? Maybe it would be better to just bag it all and wait to fly after the kids are gone."
But I will keep packing. I'll take my last child on a date tomorrow and look her in the eyes, tell her I love her more than anything and I'll be back before she knows it. And in the end, I hope all my kids will watch their mom be brave in following her dreams and living out what she is created for and find courage within themselves to do the same. But that is my hope. My view. I can do all I can to love and communicate their worth in a way that their view will not be one of feeling abandoned or second to my passions. My children are certainly part of my destiny but not the whole of it. And I have a deep confidence that God is saying this is the time to start flying. So I will trust. I will rest. I will try to get some sleep tonight.
One more day!
Except the week leading up to leaving my family is never fun. I'm hoping it will get easier as the kids get older, but for now. . . it's just plain miserable. So the view from the window of my soul this evening was one of bickering kids, a silent husband, and thoughts running through my head like, "Is this really worth it? Maybe it would be better to just bag it all and wait to fly after the kids are gone."
But I will keep packing. I'll take my last child on a date tomorrow and look her in the eyes, tell her I love her more than anything and I'll be back before she knows it. And in the end, I hope all my kids will watch their mom be brave in following her dreams and living out what she is created for and find courage within themselves to do the same. But that is my hope. My view. I can do all I can to love and communicate their worth in a way that their view will not be one of feeling abandoned or second to my passions. My children are certainly part of my destiny but not the whole of it. And I have a deep confidence that God is saying this is the time to start flying. So I will trust. I will rest. I will try to get some sleep tonight.
One more day!
To Thailand!
I can't sleep. I need sleep. My mind is racing and my heart is . . . Overwhelmed. To be a mom, a wife, a woman pursuing my dreams, fulfilling pieces of my destiny - It creates opposition. And as strong as I know I can be, and as confident as I am in going on this trip, I still feel like crawling in bed, pulling the covers over my head and sleeping the world away. Oh yeah, except I can't sleep. :)
Monday, February 2, 2015
Welcome on my journey!
Everyone has a story to tell. Our stories overlap. We can share the same event, the same parents, the same moment in time and see it, experience it, interpret it completely differently. One happy moment for me, may be someone else's trigger of sadness.
As I share the view from the window of my soul, I will share about things that move me, inspire me, teach me, sadden me, trigger me. People are the most beautiful thing in all of creation to me. Relationship is the most important thing in all the world to me. To share of the most important and the most beautiful things in my world, I will be sharing about my interactions with and perceptions of people. But I will never be able to represent their side of the story. I am only sharing the view from the window of MY soul.
I will work to honor and protect the privacy and stories of all I include in my journey. I will share only pieces that are necessary to paint the view from my window more completely. And in so doing, I hope you are inspired to LIVE. To LOVE. To EXPERIENCE as much of life and relationship and people and the world as you possibly can. I hope you are empowered, even in a tiny way, to dig deep and find the beauty and gifting and talents and uniqueness that only YOU can offer the world around you.
I hope by viewing life from the window of my soul, your view becomes a little more beautiful, hopeful, and exciting. Life, though full of struggle and heartache, is thrilling and beautiful. I intend to LIVE!
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