Artistic Depiction

My dear 8 year old is an artist. 

One of my favorite Christmas gifts

was Ella's depiction of Jesus. 

It makes me feel overwhelmingly happy. 

Happy New Year!

Cleansing

Every year for the last seven years, I do a 40 day cleanse called The Maker's Diet. When I started, I was 80 lbs overweight, struggling with chronic hives, adrenal fatigue, chronic ear infection, candida, arthritis, self hatred and a host of other issues. I needed help. As doctors kept throwing meds at me, unsure of the problems, I took my health into my own hands. I began reading like crazy about healing through whole foods and cleansing. Over the course of 6 months with the help of The Maker's Diet, a colon cleanse, gall bladder cleanse, and candida cleanse, I kicked hives, arthritis symptoms and ear infections, candida was under control, my energy was increasing and I lost 20 lbs.

I was on a journey of changing the way I thought about my body and food. It took three full years to get back to a healthy weight but I did it through learning how to love myself right where I was at, to eat differently and look at food as medicine. I had to break the bondage in my mind concerning weight, body image, food addiction, and more. It wasn't the quick fix or fast track but I have kept the weight off for four years and continue to eat fairly healthy and generally feel great. My body craves the reset every January. I'm in this healthy living style for the long haul.

I'm looking forward to starting the cleanse in a week. My kids, on the other hand, do not look forward to it. I've brought them along for the ride for the last 3 years. They hate starting it but always admit they feel so much better afterward. I just want them to have experience of knowing how their body feels depending on what they put into it. Someday, when they are in college and eating only Cheetos and drinking Pepsi, feeling sick and sluggish, they will know what they need to do in order to find their health and energy.

Here's to a healthier new year!

Personality Tests

I love personality tests. Not to peg or catergorize, but to validate and encourage. This personality test called 16 Personalities, is a short, free test that is accurate among all my friends and students who take it. I use this with my Personal Development class. If you're depressed and bored after the Christmas cheer, maybe take a second to get in touch with you again. Enjoy this little test and the clear descriptions after. My friends and I had a great time last night reading our profiles and commenting on each other. It's a tool that helps me feel seen and known a bit beyond the surface. For the record, I'm an INFJ to the core. :-) Enjoy!

16 Personalities

Merry Christmas

If
as Herod
we fill our lives with things
and again with things
if we consider ourselves so important
that we must fill every moment of our lives
with action
when will we have time
to make the long, slow journey
across the desert
as did the Magi?
Or sit and watch the stars
as did the shepherds?
Or brood over the coming of a child
as did Mary?
For each one of us
there is a desert to travel
A star to discover
And a being within ourselves to bring to life.

                                                   --- Author unknown

Unafraid and Present

I have profoundly healing moments in my counselor's office crying. I am learning the unparalleled value in being emotionally present with someone in their messiest, difficult places and simply allowing them to feel through it. It's what I might call holding space or being present. It's not fixing or feeling sorry for the person. It's not placating or projecting uncomfortability like, "When are you going to be done with this already?" It's not changing the subject or making a joke because you can't handle the intensity. It's simply allowing a person to feel whatever a question may bring to the surface, all the way through to an end or breakthrough. It's being an emotionally safe person. I aspire to this.

Tonight I realized how much I'm learning from experiencing this kind of healing. We had Christmas with my in laws. Aunt Pauline was there. She's 94 and dying of cancer. But I wasn't afraid to just be with her, talk with her about the thing that was on her mind: life and death. She beamed sharing stories of her life. Then the far away look told me she glanced toward her future and it stopped her in her tracks. We held hands. I looked her in the eyes and asked if she's afraid. Tears, small yet significant. A slight nod and then a shameful looking away. My tears were not to be contained as I squeezed her to me and told her she was not alone and that she was brave. 

Once upon a time I wouldn't have asked the question because I would have been unsure of how to respond. Once upon a time I would've felt like my small gesture of holding space for sweet Pauline was insignificant in the face of impending death. But not tonight. I know that Pauline felt seen and known and loved. She may not remember with her mind tomorrow what happened on the couch tonight. But I know without a shadow of a doubt that she will remember with her soul, the depth of love that was poured into her being because I wasn't afraid. And I was intentional. And I let the authentic, deep, healing energy of love and listening penetrate the moment.

Thank you, Dr. Regier for teaching me to be present and unafraid. 

Question of the Week

"If your life is a movie, are you the main character?"

Ode to Chocolate

"Every now and then I'll run into someone who claims not to like chocolate, and while we live in a country where everyone has the right to eat what they want, I want to say for the record that I don't trust these people. . . "   -- Steve Almond

"Chocolate is a permanent thing."  Milton S. Hershey

"Chocolate symbolizes, as does no other food, luxury, comfort, sensuality, gratification, and LOVE!" -- Karl Petzke

"If there's no chocolate in heaven, I'm not going." -- Jane Seabrook

"Forget love - I'd rather fall in chocolate!"  -- Sandra J. Dykes

"Nothing heals the soul like chocolate. . . "  -- Richard Paul Evans

Saying Goodbye

I had an unexpected parting that left me weeping with sentimentality.

My trumpet. Hours of practice, scales, frustration and joy, conquering, first chair, pep band, music festivals. The camaraderie of being part of the band, belonging, escape, music that made me feel alive. Duets, solos, the pure tones of trumpet ringing out over the entire band. I have more depth of joyful memories with that trumpet than with any single thing I have owned.

And I didn't realize it until I pulled it out of storage and packaged it up to ship to my sweet niece who wants to learn to play the trumpet. I am full of joy sending it to her. But even so, I couldn't stop the tears from falling as the tape closed the box that will carry it to Montana. I tried to hold them in. Even willed myself to stop them.

Ascending the stairs in my home, I decided it was silly to hold those tears back. Those tears represented all the life giving moments of making music with that trumpet. So I sat in my bed and cried. And remembered. And smiled. And said thank you. Thank you to my parents for buying that beautiful silver trumpet. Thank you to Creator for having the idea of music. Thank you for the opportunity I had to learn such an enriching skill. Thank you to my band directors who saw my potential and encouraged me. Thank you to my classmates for the memories of band trips and bus rides and competitions galore.

I'm moving on from the trumpet. The reasons I chose to play the trumpet no longer exist. But I am dying to play music again. So I'm going to learn the clarinet. And maybe I have a new love affair waiting for me with the clarinet and Mozart. Maybe when I'm 80 I'll be handing over my love to my great granddaughter who is dying to learn to play the clarinet like her great grandma! Ya' never know. ;-)

Happiness is. . .

. . . Season 4 of Phineas and Ferb on Netflix! I LOVE those characters. I'm particularly fond of Dr. Doofenshmirtz! Not sure what that says about me. But I'm happy.

Practice

It's such a risk to start new things, make changes, learn something I've never done. I'm remembering how much I love learning and how much I hate learning curves. I want to simply be good at this. I want to be a great craniosacral therapist. I want to simply know how to give a great massage. But I'm at the beginning. I have to practice. There is no substitute for simply doing the thing I need to learn over and over and over. It's giving me more sympathy for my kids who are starting new things. Asher has days when practicing saxophone is unbearable. Ella gets frustrated that she's not quite able to do the splits yet. Abiel doesn't like doing anything she can't pick up in 2.5 seconds, and Judah . . . . well, he observes until he's sure he can master it.

I want to always be learning new things rather than staying in the comfortable strengths and hobbies I know. It's stretching my brain, my heart, and my confidence. In the end, I hope I can say I've done what it takes to be as good as I want to be as a therapist. And that will be after many hours of excruciating practice.

Quote of the week

Leaping

Craniosacral Therapy (CST) training was A M A Z I N G! I'm devoted to this healing practice. I can't even begin to explain the supernatural connections, timing, and joy coming from that enormous leap of faith. CST is one avenue I will use to fulfill part of what I am created to do. But I need a massage therapy license to get my hands on people.

Leap of faith number two in the last 9 days: I signed up for a 9 month massage school . . . and I started YESTERDAY! WHAT?! What am I doing? How is this happening? I'm thrilled and overwhelmed and overjoyed all at the same time.

When I stepped across the threshold of my life as a homeschool mom into the inviting, unknown territory of CST training, I had NO idea I'd be starting massage training two days later! I have officially jumped off the cliff of sanity into the thrill of a free fall. I'm confident my parachute will be colorful and functional when I need it to open. Until then, I can hardly catch my breath as I'm flying/falling, trying not to miss a single moment of the unfolding of my dreams.

Feel free to pray for my family as we are in this free fall together! Some of us are more happy about the leap than others. ;) 

Transitions

Life is always in transition. 

Happiness and sadness dwelling 

in virtually the same spaces;

at times only a moment 

separating the two.

Sunset and moonrise;

the passing of day to night.

Both holding beauty,

both full of possibilities.

Can I find the goodness 

in the dark?

I will find the beauty 

there in the

sun's reflected light

of the moon

as it

waxes and wanes.

through this 

transition.

-emie

Quote of the week

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

"How long must I wait in the dark?"

"Until you can see in the dark."

_____________________________
_____________________________

Wide Awake Dreaming

I'm back at the kitchen table at 2 AM remembering the months of blogging at this hour during the most difficult months of my healing journey. Tonight I'm not frustrated. I'm full of adrenaline. I'm dreaming of things I want to do with my life. Dreaming of the environment I want to create for my kids. Dreaming of ways to spring forward into new places opening to me.

I can't sleep because in four hours, I'll be heading to Fresno for four days for Craniosacral Therapy training. This is a door I barely had to touch and it flung open for me. I've been intrigued by and interested in Craniosacral Therapy since I was gifted a session a few years ago. After my car accident, I had several sessions with a wonderful Craniosacral Therapist in town. After seeing her, I knew I wanted to pursue it someday.
---------------------

cra·ni·o·sa·cral ther·a·py

ˌkrānēōˈsakrəl,-ˈsākrəl/

noun

1. a system of alternative medicine intended to relieve pain and tension by gentle manipulations of the skull regarded as harmonizing with a natural rhythm in the central nervous system.

---------------------
"Someday" came sooner than I anticipated. I'm excited and nervous. I'm wondering how it will all play out. I almost passed up the opportunity simply because I can't see how my dreams will meld together and how this journey will unfold. As I considered the advice I would give a friend in my shoes, I knew I needed to take the leap of faith and go for it without having a solid plan or vision of what this will look like. I will entrust myself to the beauty of the unknowns in this journey.

I'm standing on the threshold of a doorway to new territory. It looks beautiful from here. Wish me well and a wide awake, healthy brain as I work to absorb all the new information over the next four days.

Signing off for some real, deep sleep dreaming . . . I hope!

Seasons of Life

Things continue to be rough on the home front relationally and I feel like I'm in between surviving and living. I'm thrown off by feeling little to nothing. I like feeling. Something. Other than when I'm sobbing in the counselor's office. Every time I go in, I prepare to tell him that I have no emotion to get to. Within 60 seconds of unpacking, I'm wiping snot and saline water off my face. I've decided to stop planning to say that phrase and trust that in a safe space, emotion is actually only seconds away. I'm glad I have a solid belief that nothing lasts forever and all seasons of life are necessary. Otherwise, I'd never even attempt to get out of bed.

Today I'm thankful for the opportunity to be counseled by one of the most intuitive, Spirit led, knowledgable, skilled people I've ever met. I am 100% sold on Emotionally Focused Therapy, not just because I'm an extremely emotional human being. :) If you ever consider counseling, at least look for a therapist who practices EFT. I couldn't recommend it more completely.

Below is a clip from a musician couple I deeply resonate with and admire. They are talking about the winter season and how clarity comes in the winter. This short video reminded me of the purpose of this winter season of my life.

Necessity of Seasons

German Heritage and a trip to San Fran

I was invited on a quick trip to San Francisco with a dear German friend of mine. The German part of that description is necessary because I grew up with German grandparents that immigrated and a father that spoke only German until he went to school. I was more proud of my German blood than anything about myself. At age 20, I fulfilled a dream and spent the summer in Heidelberg, Germany.

I have vivid memories of biking through giant sunflower fields on my way to the forest park finding solitude and sanity. Routine walks to the neighborhood bakery, the immense beauty and precision of the country, and the history etched onto the buildings and faces of the elderly captured my heart. I loved exploring a bit into the Swiss Alps, The Netherlands and my favorite - The Czech Republic. BUT I learned, almost upon landing, that I was definitively not German. I am American with a strong German heritage.

Back to my trip to San Francisco. I spent three days reliving my childhood happiness of German descent and my summer immersed in real Germany. I experienced deep, meaningful conversations, beauty, delicious food (even a very traditional German bakery!), nature, and a million pleasant memories of my German upbringing through strangers who immediately felt like family. Everything from the accents to the stories to the German character traits that are shared by my biological family and my hosts filled me with joy.

Hugging my new friend goodbye, with tears in her eyes, she whispered, "How can you feel like you've known someone forever when you only just met them?" My heart overflows with gratitude for exposure to new people and new experiences. I'm so thankful for supernatural connection moments. I'm deeply appreciative for my German heritage, my experience of Germany, and all the pleasant memories connected to being German. I'm especially thankful for my friend who shared her trip, her heart, and her family with me. It brought both old and new joy to the forefront of my heart. Thank you, Lea.

Five Year Tradition

2015 Leakes, Rodriguez, Lockes, Redmond

2014 with Leakes, Rodriguez, Lockes

2013 with a crew! Leakes, Rodriguez, Lockes

2012 with Leakes, Rodriguez, and Lockes

2011 Deep Pit Turkey with Leakes, Rodriguez, and Lockes

I'm not a big fan of holidays or traditions. But we have managed to secure great friendships that have made the last five years of Thanksgiving and Christmas enjoyable instead of bearable. Two or three days of a house full of friends, food, games, and fights. Every year I am amazed at how much food I can eat, how infrequently I see 13 kids (only when they're hungry), and how much I love just being with friends who are easy to simply BE with. Thank you Leakes and Rodriguez families for five years of wonderful memories. 

Quote of the week

Art everywhere

I've experienced beautiful moments reflecting on the magical movement of steam ascending in artistic wisps from my tea cup.

I'm determined to appreciate the little things in the chill of the fall.

Guilt, not depression.

I've had a few good days after a week of intense "fall depression." I've come to a new perspective on my seasonal crash. I realized the depression doesn't come from wanting or needing to sleep more, pulling back relationally, eating every carb in sight, or staying home bundled up with a good book. The feeling of depression enters with the guilt that comes from neglecting the "shoulds" and cultural expectations, failing to live up to my own ideals of what is productive, my own set of rules to be a "good" parent.

I've decided to step out of the guilt, reframe my actions and interpret the pulling back in a new way. I am not failing my children. I am not lazy. I am not depressed. I am not irresponsible. I am simply choosing to respond to the authentic reaction of my body to fall. Period. New picture painted. Situation reframed. Embracing the new reality. Happy fall!

My Community

I spent all day yesterday at our charter school for Exploration Day. I LOVE OUR LEARNING COMMUNITY. I haven't spent that amount of time at school since the accident in April. It was tiring on a lot of levels, but surprisingly invigorating to be immersed, once again, in the creativity, love, and strength of our family at Eleanor Roosevelt Community Learning Center. I feel like we are the most fortunate people on earth to be part of this unique community of creative beings.

I was reminded how rich my children's lives are, even when all I see at home is a lot of netflix, minecraft, and bickering happening while I hide and recover.

I was reminded of all the wonderful teachers and friends my kids are impacted by in beautiful and positive ways even when I feel like I'm far from "enough" for them at home. I don't have to be everything for them! We have a community that adds to my lack. WOOHOO!

I was reminded of the beauty of fall as the sun warmed me enough to shed a layer! (I lost my Montana blood a long time ago! I hate being cold.)

I was reminded of how much healing has happened in the last couple months allowing me to make it through an entire day at the school again. YAY for healing!

I was reminded of how much I LOVE my kids, my students, and my kids' friends that have found a way into my heart. I am so proud to watch and participate in their "becoming."

I was reminded of the goodness that comes from putting down roots and belonging.

Yesterday filled me with warmth, love and immense joy. Today I'll stay in bed reminding myself of the beauty of our tribe.

Elementary Students Original Song: This song may only be endearing to parents and those who were there, but it makes my heart smile every time I watch it. The music class wrote this song and performed it today.

Thought of the week

As the cold slows my blood and movement to molasses, this is the quote that reminds me to just do what I can do with great love.

Quote of the Week

Washing Feet

I had the opportunity to wash the feet of many women last weekend. It's the first event I've participated in since Thailand nine months ago. Would I have nothing to give or would the nothingness in me allow the flow of God to be richer and fuller than before?

As I knelt before each beautiful woman, the movement of the Divine was tangible. God pours through a willing vessel, no matter how cracked. Typically, as I wash feet, my focus is on how Presence of God is flowing and what Spirit is saying. I have learned to trust this outpouring of the Divine through me.

With that trust in Spirit movement, something else surfaced this time. The slowing down, healing, undoing, and growth of the last several months created a connection to my humanity mingling with the divinity in a new way.

I knelt before them, washing the dirt, looking in their eyes, feeling their despair of feeling unworthy (ie: not perfect). I looked with compassion out of the depth of my humanity confident that even there, especially there, in our imperfection, we are loved. God lavishes his great Love upon humanity and for those that receive, Love transforms the broken places and reveals the gold that's been there all along. Loved, forgiven, empowered, restored, healed. Not because we have it all together but because we are Loved by the Creator of the Universe who knows all the secrets and hidden dirt and loves unconditionally.

Waves of Emotion

I tell my students that emotions are like waves. If we can remember that nothing lasts forever and this feeling won't last forever and fall won't last forever then it is easier to weather the rise and fall of the wave of emotion. I'm reminding myself of that as I snuggle up in bed until much later than I "should."

I'm pretty sure I have bear blood in me. When my kids are old enough, I've determined to ride out a fall completely doing what my body is asking for. And if it asks me to stay in bed until 2:00 pm every day for a month, I want to do it without feeling guilty. Right now, I can't. I'm snuggling in much more than I feel able to get away with. The problem is exacerbated by the guilt feelings that rise from hearing my kids on netflix and minecraft as I can't pull myself out of bed. It's the feeling that I'm missing moments that count. It goes back to a long time struggle for me of feeling like I'm failing as a mom. I kick that one most of the year . . . until I can't get out of bed and it comes flooding back into focus. That too is a wave. Ride it and let it crash, Emie.

I get out of bed late, start my day late, have a few moments of connect and noticing the beauty of fall and then I'm back in my favorite spot through the dark fall and winter months. I was really hoping this one would be different. Oh well. It won't last forever. A new year is right around the corner.

Fall Depression

Fall has fully hit the Central Valley of California and I don't want to get out of bed . . . or talk . . . or type. . . or do anything really. Maybe cry.
The end

Silence and Nature

 The beauty of nature has always captured me. Since childhood, I have loved sitting for long periods of time beside the river or at the edge of wheat fields looking out toward the Rockies at sunset. I sat in silence, watching, thinking, soaking in the beauty.

  I wanted to share those moments with someone who could see, appreciate, soak it in with me. But those I invited had a threshold of about 2 minutes before they were done and off to the next exciting thing. That left a hole.

  Last week, I had the opportunity to be at a silent retreat in the chaparral mountains of southern California. One early morning, a large group of us walked in the light of the moon and stars to the top of the mountain in silence. We sat to soak in the beauty of the sunrise. There was a moment when tears streamed down my cheeks and I could hardly contain myself as I wanted to jump up and say, "THANK YOU for being here with me in this beautiful moment and the silence!" It was deeply healing for me. And beautiful. And fulfilling.

  Thank you to all my new friends who soaked in the beauty of the wonders of nature and the togetherness of silence. I am forever grateful.

Kindness

This song entitled KIND, by Amanda Cook on her new album Brave New World is impacting me deeply. The Kindness of God is an aspect of Creator that I've not explored until recently. This is the God I know. This is the God I love. He is Kind.

My Favorite

I love Jesus with all my being. There are a few things I feel sure of as I let go of the Christian religion and hold tight to my Favorite.

• Jesus did not come to establish the religion of Christianity. He came to establish the pathway to intimate and personal relationship/oneness with Creator, Father God.

• Jesus did not come to speak the red letter edition of Scripture into existence to guide us. He came to give his very God Spirit to indwell humanity in order to guide, teach, speak, love, fill, and flow out of those who would say yes and be in tune with God Spirit within.

• His death and resurrection covers every single thing that humanity has done, is doing and will do that is not in line with LIFE. It is all forgiven and His Love, Mercy, Forgiveness, Kindness, Voice, Healing, Presence is what he is wanting us to experience. Judgement was settled in his sacrifice on the cross.

• Creator God is waiting for us to be in tune with His very Spirit within and to step into the role of bringing Love, Healing, Presence, Kindness, Creativity, Abundance through the glorious power of Spirit to a hurting and fearful world.

This is my perspective. Jesus is my Favorite.

Quote of the week

Live in Love

Live in Fear or live in Love? 

The two cannot co-exist.

I choose Love.

The places I find fear within

are the places I have yet to expose to Love

that casts out every fear.

There is such Love in the universe.

It is supernatural.
It is The Divine.

Always I can feel it flow from parts of Creation:

solitude,

beauty,
nature,

music,

art.

I feel Love flow through
spiritual practices:
meditation,
fasting,
prayer,
journaling,
generosity,
worship,
silence,
faith.

I'm learning to receive it through
humans who let Love flow.

The key to experiencing Pure and Perfect Love
 is to want it more than my comfortable
fear;

open my heart and mind to Love,
turn my back on fear;
position myself

to look in the face of Love-

receive it,

& allow myself to be lost in Love.

To uncover areas where Love
has not been perfected,
all I need to do is
pinpoint the
fear.

Perfect Love casts out fear.

I choose to live enveloped in

Love.

Nothing else is really living.

-emie

Rhythms of Fall

I've always had a love-hate relationship with the fall.

I love the shift from intense summer sun to glowing fall sunshine. I love the trees changing colors, leaves falling, getting ready to rest for the winter. I love the cool air that makes me want to stay in bed and snuggle up, and everything warm and cozy about fall. 

I've hated the slowing down of fall. I've hated the chill to the bone of fall. I've hated the depression I've experienced almost every fall that I can remember. Some years it's worse than others. This one has been the least depression so far. I think it's because I'm finally flowing with the rhythms of the season and my body. 

I've been practicing observing the rhythms of life, seasons, my body since my emotional, physical, and spiritual crash after our year in Africa. The car accident has been a clear opportunity to tune in even more. I never want to go back to ignoring the rhythms. As I observe and tune in, I give myself permission to slow down when I need it, when all of nature around me is giving the cues to snuggle up and pull in. I'm trusting my body when it's craving warm soups and tea rather than chugging down the smoothie routine just because it's good for me and it's what I always do. I'm giving myself permission to say no to activities that feel overwhelming rather than plowing through and saying yes just because I have no good reason to say no.

Flowing with the rhythms of life means listening for the song that's playing. It means changing my dance step when the rhythm changes. It means releasing and relaxing into the rhythm rather than fighting it to maintain my schedule and forward momentum. For the first time in all my memory of fall, I'm relaxing in. And I like it.
Happy Fall.

I am not afraid

Being Present

In my personal development class we discussed how many of our actual problems are in the room with us presently. Very few. Almost none. But most of us walked into the room heavy, overwhelmed, swirling in a dark prison of problems. How and where do our problems actually exist? Most often, in between our ears. How do we break out of that prison?

Be Present. Now. What is happening right now? I look up. I wake up to see the sky, the people next to me, the tree and the bird that just flew by. I refocus myself on the right here, right now. Now is usually beautiful. Now generally has some beauty to behold. Right now, I probably have everything I need. I might not have everything I need for the bill due next week, or the relational struggle I might face when I get home, or the energy I will need for a house full of kids who need my attention the second I walk through the door. But right now, do I have what I need for this moment? Can I find the beauty happening right now? Can I switch my focus from the swirling darkness in my brain to the sun streaming in the window and the beautiful music playing in the background? Can I turn off the negative self talk in my brain and find a new perspective on the difficult situation at hand? Or do I like the dark? Do I like the pit? Do I like the swirling feeling that makes it seem like I'm accomplishing something when in actuality I am wasting my brain space and my precious moments spinning on a hamster wheel of my vain imaginations.

Life has been a giant storm the last few months/weeks. But I am learning how to be in the moment. And I continue to be in awe of how few moments there actually are that present real difficulty when I stop living in past pain or future fearful projections. When I am in the moment, most of them are neutral. I used to fill the neutral moments with negative self talk, negative problem swirling, hashing and rehashing, ruminating instead of finding the beauty. Now I am learning to stop the darkness, open up and let the light in. I can choose to look outside my swirling pit of despair happening inside my head and see the butterfly and the sparrow and the beauty of the moment I'm in. It's truly amazing how dramatically this is affecting my days for the better. Until I'm actually living in a prison camp or running for my life or have nothing to eat but the food I can scrounge out of a garbage can, I have decided to quit living like a POW, refugee, or poverty stricken in my head. Life is beautiful.

Codependency Unraveling

Being an intuitive, people pleasing, helper personality has its definite drawbacks, especially with all the baggage I've carried. Those potentially good qualities have become the cause of burn out for me on more than one occasion.

Just because I am reading a situation or a person, doesn't mean I have to respond to what I'm sensing. (What? Really? Can that be true?!)  I am only responsible for what is happening in me. If the person I am picking things up from doesn't feel like sharing or wants to deny it (ie: they are upset about something and won't talk about it), then it isn't my job to fix it before that person is willing to own their own feelings. I may be off on my read of the scenario anyway. (Probably not, but maybe! I've had 39 years of practice.)

I lived the majority of my life tiptoeing around people's emotions that they refuse to admit, communicate, own, or work through. That means I am the primary one taking responsibility for the bulk of the difficulty in the relationship. I sense the struggle. I shift to "make it better." The other person feels better and waalaa, problem solved. Everyone is "happy" and eventually I D I E. That would be called enabling in codependent, dysfunctional relationships. Bleh.

Until I get in a car accident and I actually have NO capacity to carry that relational load anymore. I literally cannot do the shifting. I can still intuitively pick up on unspoken stresses and emotions. But it is taking everything in me to stay present with my kids and keep my empathetic radar on for them alone.  Everyone else, I'm sorry . . . ability to shift, gone. I can't take care of anyone else right now. Once again, people in my world are having to adjust simply because I have changed. It's uncomfortable. Change always is. But in the end, I am healing. I will not be the enabler in codependent relationships anymore. I will be responsible for me. And though it is terribly painful for people closest to me, I believe it will bring wholeness as we all adjust whether they wanted change or not. This is a monster of a healing journey. Just be glad you don't live with me. :)

Writing Quotes

¨I write only because
there is a voice within me
that will not be still.¨
-Sylvia Plath, from an untitled poem written in 1948

¨Maya Angelou wrote, 'There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.' Stephen King added, 'Sometimes stories cry out to be told in such loud voices that you write them just to shut them up.' People have stories inside of them that are meant to be written. Sometimes that story is deeply personal - like stories of heartache, loss, transformation and liberation. Sometimes the story shows up in the form of a profound understanding or expertise in areas such as relationships, spirituality, healing, creativity, and authentic living. Other times it's a story we have a fire inside to tell, even if it's not our story specifically except for the mark it made on us. And then there are times when a story is born out of one's imagination, where people and plots come alive and dance together in mysterious, enchanting, gripping ways that awaken, inspire, unlock, embolden us and make us look deeper.
-Jim Palmer

Poem by Warsan Shire

"For Women Who Are Difficult To Love"

"you are a horse running alone
and he tries to tame you
compares you to an impossible highway
to a burning house
says you are blinding him
that he could never leave you
forget you
want anything but you
you dizzy him, you are unbearable
every woman before or after you
is doused in your name
you fill his mouth
his teeth ache with memory of taste
his body just a long shadow seeking yours
but you are always too intense
frightening in the way you want him
unashamed and sacrifical
he tells you that no man can live up to the one who
lives in your head
and you tried to change didn't you?
closed your mouth more
tried to be softer
prettier
less volatile, less awake
but even when sleeping you could feel
him travelling away from you in his dreams
so what did you want to do love
split his head open?
you can't make homes out of human beings
someone should have already told you that
and if he wants to leave
then let him leave
you are terrifying
and strange and beautiful
something not everyone knows how to love."
- Warsan Shire

Long, vulnerable TMI post

I have the soul of a memoirist. My compulsion to write about my experiences overtakes me. I've never been one to hide much of my garbage or struggle. I'll put it all out there without shame. I only hold back when my vulnerability exposes someone else that may not be so excited about full disclosure. I hate pedestals. If I do not give you a full picture of the ups and downs and struggles and joys, you will be tempted to put me on a pedestal like every other person you read or fb friend you have that only shares the smiles and you wonder how their lives are so much better, easier, more beautiful than yours. I refuse to do that. I have done my best to reveal the depths of my humanity and struggle as I aspire to carrying and revealing the greatness, glory, love, and beauty of Creator God through my uniqueness. We are all human. We ALL struggle. Some of us can hide it better than others. But no matter your title, religion, level of enlightenment, or education, every single human being lives a life of ups and downs. Some of us manage that more peacefully than others, but the fact remains. So here's just a little more of the depths of my real struggle.

I have always struggled in our marriage. No shock to anyone there. I've been afraid, hurt, triggered, angry, mean, hard. I've yelled, screamed, raged, kicked a hole in the wall, punched and spewed death at my husband. In recent years, I've had long periods of keeping a lid on it all, doing the right things, responding the way I was supposed to, trying to let go. But invariably, I would be triggered and the dark would fly out.

No one else on the planet has experienced this from me. My kids have observed it and have been the recipients of some of my frustration and yelling but not even remotely close to the degree that I have unleashed on Heath. I tried everything to change. I had anybody who knew how to pray for deliverance, pray for me. I've gone to counseling with professionals and laymen. I confessed this hideous side of me to countless people. I read every book on anger management and non violent communication that I could get my hands on. Nothing worked for long.

I am deeply sorrowful for the pain I inflicted on my husband over the last 17 years. I truly hope he will choose to heal and forgive. He is a good man who deserves adoration, love, support and kindness all the time. I have not been that person.

I have felt like the biggest hypocrite on the face of the planet. The last ten years have been a journey of learning to give and receive unconditional love. I've had powerful moments of pouring out what I truly believe to be Divine Unconditional Love on my children, students, friends, strangers, foreigners, prisoners, people all over the globe and from all walks of life. And it was real. And people were changed.

I come home and all I feel is anger and strife. Am I a fake? Am I bipolar? Am I the biggest hypocrite on the planet? I have not been able to reconcile this struggle. I believed for all these years that the real me was the one I am with my husband at home, because, after all, it's my most consistent exposing relationship. If I can't figure it out there, then everything else must be a show. But I genuinely never feel like I am putting on a show for anyone or for any reason outside my home. I concluded that the real me was just angry and hard and if anyone had to actually live with me consistently, they would all eventually be the recipients of this Dr. Jekyll - Mr. Hyde behavior.

The last two months, through my healing journey of body, soul, and spirit, I have realized massive things about myself. I AM loving. I AM a light bearer. I AM kind. I AM a life giver. I AM full of the glory and goodness and Spirit of God. I AM a great mom. THAT is the real me. And the sad revelation is that I have been the fake at home with the person I have spent the most amount of time with. I chose to do that because I did not want to hurt him with the truth of what I think and feel. So I held it all in. I chose to do that because I wasn't allowed to be fully me under the confines of the religion I was part of. I chose to do that because I believed I didn't have any other choice. And the irony of the whole thing is that I hid the authentic me in order to protect my husband. In "protecting" him I created the very environment that caused me to act like a caged and wounded animal, lashing out at him for all kinds of triggering events.

I am finished pretending. I am finished stuffing everything I need to say and all that I truly feel. I do not know where this path will lead for us. But for the first time in 17 years, I do not feel angry or trapped or afraid or a fake. I must be honest with myself . . . everywhere, all the time. The journey forward looks rocky and painful. But I'm not afraid. I am finally at peace in the deepest places of my soul. And for the first time in 39 years, I do not feel one ounce of anger or rage hiding inside of me waiting to erupt. With the decision and strength to finally be authentic, the drain that had been plugged and stopping up all the emotion of anger was released and it completely drained out of me. It feels miraculous on the most monumentous level.

Feel free to pray, send light, love, kindness to us. But please refrain from sending judgment, advice, messages of how to proceed either in thought form or email or texts. Please remember your analysis cannot be based in the truth of where we are, for you don't know all the details. Your judgments and conclusions will be triggered by your limited observations, information, ideologies, and belief system's definitions of what a relationship needs to be. This is the best and most authentic place we could ever be. If we ask for your help, you are welcome to join in our personal working out of this journey. If we don't, I value your respectful and life giving thoughts sent to us through prayer alone.

If our struggle forward nullifies for you the truths, love, light or hope that we have tried to communicate through the last 17 years of our marriage to our world, I feel sad that you would hold another human to a level of perfection that no one can or does attain before they can be light bearers or life givers. And therein has been my fear of being the hypocrite who would have the power to undo someone's faith by my inability to maintain a certain standard of holiness. If my actions, mistakes, human struggle can undo your faith, please consider reevaluating the focus of your faith.

I am not being this vulnerable because I need help. I am not exposing our struggle because I want advice. I am not showing you the shit because I need judgment. And if I feel like you're making me a project, I will go absolutely crazy. I am revealing my life and journey because I know that I am not the only person who has gone or will go through these difficulties. And we need to know we're not alone. So I write for you, the one who can relate and finds comfort in knowing that you are not crazy or alone. My love is sent to each of you. Thank you for loving us in our messiest, darkest places.