Clarifying

Heath asked me to clarify what you might need to judge me for in case you haven't heard the rumors.

1. Heath and I have had a difficult marriage from very early on in our relationship. Most of our friends through the years have known this. I never tried to hide that fact even when we were in Christian ministry, missionaries in Africa, recovering from Africa and then when we tried to get back overseas a few years ago.

2. I have been open with most people close to us and even in Locke updates and blog posts about my anger and rage that was part of my struggle for many years of our marriage. I deeply hurt Heath in my anger. I am full of remorse for this.

3. We had a co-dependent, dysfunctional relationship. I cannot keep living in the level of dysfunction we created. He is wounded and I am wounded. For many reasons I will not disclose here, I asked Heath to move out in January and I am moving toward divorce. Feel free to blame it all on my woundedness.

4. I have been accused of many, many, many things over the last several months by different people. I will name a few and you can create whatever story you would like to construct around these accusations. Or you can ask whomever you would like to fill in details of their perspective of the story. If you come to me to get details just to know where to put me, I probably won't answer. If you come because you really want to know me, I might.

• Witch (as in real witches who cast spells and got burned at stakes) 
• Whore (but just for the record I was a virgin when I got married at 21 and have had sex with one man in my entire 39 years . . . so go ahead and construct that story without the sexual intercourse part.) 
• Pathological liar 
• Heretic
• Teacher of False Doctrines
• Hypocrite
• Controlling, manipulative
• Completely deceived and following demons
• Angry, bitter, unforgiving
• A destroyer of all that is good
• Selfish
• Running away

And the list could go on actually. It's quite colorful and hurtful. And truly, as I am learning about perceptions, if you stand in the shoes of those accusing, I might be all those things and a million more. It just takes a few core beliefs in place to see me that way. But if you stand in my shoes, want to hear my heart and feel what I feel, you might be able to see I'm human, I'm hurting and I'm finally doing something about it rather than waiting for something else or someone else to change or rescue me. Maybe my actions aren't as worthy of such grand accusations when you stand in my shoes.

I'm done trying to hold together what has been miserable for all involved. And though this is simply my perception, I feel I spent 16 years and all my heart, effort, and focus doing what I could to make our marriage work. I have nothing left to give. A million genuine kudos to all women who can do marriage until death do us part. I am not one of those women. Put me in whatever category you want.

This is my journey. I will continue to share what I see and experience to be real, heart breaking, life giving, authentic, messy, beautiful, inspiring, truthful, hopeful, kind, and loving. I will share some of my hard days and I will share some of my good.

I have no desire to perpetuate drama for you to follow. You have plenty of movie stars for that. I am sharing me. I am not sharing my marriage drama, divorce drama, parenting drama, etc. I may share things about each of those experiences or roles I fill, but mostly, I'm simply learning to share me, my heart, my emotions, my thoughts, my stories.

I will continue to write about what I'm experiencing, seeing, and feeling because I believe I'm not the only one experiencing these things. We need to know we're not alone in our crazy journey. Though you may not be in the middle of a divorce, you may be doing something that causes judgment. Or you may have someone in your life you are judging.

So if you can keep reading without hating me, I welcome you to do so. If you keep reading to perpetuate your negative opinion of me, I'm sad for you. There's so much of life to live rather than wasting it on reading stuff simply to build a case against someone. I release you to LIVE free of me.

I did not touch on my shift in spirituality which is of giant focus to many at the moment. I don't plan on posting in defense of my spirituality anytime soon, if ever. I will continue to post bits and pieces of thoughts I have. But to try and write about how I got here and where here is would take a book . . . so maybe that's when you'll be able to read all about my deviation from the religion of Christianity while holding tightly to my love, relationship, and connection to God through Jesus Christ with His very Spirit indwelling me. Don't hold your breath waiting for the book. I've got four kids to finish raising, a massage therapy business to start, a heart to find space to heal, and a messy life to find balance in.

I'm sorry if you feel the tinge of defensiveness and hurt in this post. I'm trying really, really hard to be positive through the barrage of shit flying at me. Give me a little break on tone today.

And finally, I want to say I am deeply sorry for any person in a religious or tight family circle who chose to get divorced, or think differently, or got pregnant out of wed lock, or came out of the sexual orientation closet, or was "rebellious" and had to leave God and family behind because you didn't want to drag him through the mud you had to slog through to be free. Your family may not be, but God is still right there beside you loving you. I'm deeply, deeply sorry for the accusations and the lonely, painful journey you walked. On behalf of those who say they love God but perpetuate such pain for those already in pain, I apologize.