German Heritage and a trip to San Fran

I was invited on a quick trip to San Francisco with a dear German friend of mine. The German part of that description is necessary because I grew up with German grandparents that immigrated and a father that spoke only German until he went to school. I was more proud of my German blood than anything about myself. At age 20, I fulfilled a dream and spent the summer in Heidelberg, Germany.

I have vivid memories of biking through giant sunflower fields on my way to the forest park finding solitude and sanity. Routine walks to the neighborhood bakery, the immense beauty and precision of the country, and the history etched onto the buildings and faces of the elderly captured my heart. I loved exploring a bit into the Swiss Alps, The Netherlands and my favorite - The Czech Republic. BUT I learned, almost upon landing, that I was definitively not German. I am American with a strong German heritage.

Back to my trip to San Francisco. I spent three days reliving my childhood happiness of German descent and my summer immersed in real Germany. I experienced deep, meaningful conversations, beauty, delicious food (even a very traditional German bakery!), nature, and a million pleasant memories of my German upbringing through strangers who immediately felt like family. Everything from the accents to the stories to the German character traits that are shared by my biological family and my hosts filled me with joy.

Hugging my new friend goodbye, with tears in her eyes, she whispered, "How can you feel like you've known someone forever when you only just met them?" My heart overflows with gratitude for exposure to new people and new experiences. I'm so thankful for supernatural connection moments. I'm deeply appreciative for my German heritage, my experience of Germany, and all the pleasant memories connected to being German. I'm especially thankful for my friend who shared her trip, her heart, and her family with me. It brought both old and new joy to the forefront of my heart. Thank you, Lea.

Five Year Tradition

2015 Leakes, Rodriguez, Lockes, Redmond

2014 with Leakes, Rodriguez, Lockes

2013 with a crew! Leakes, Rodriguez, Lockes

2012 with Leakes, Rodriguez, and Lockes

2011 Deep Pit Turkey with Leakes, Rodriguez, and Lockes

I'm not a big fan of holidays or traditions. But we have managed to secure great friendships that have made the last five years of Thanksgiving and Christmas enjoyable instead of bearable. Two or three days of a house full of friends, food, games, and fights. Every year I am amazed at how much food I can eat, how infrequently I see 13 kids (only when they're hungry), and how much I love just being with friends who are easy to simply BE with. Thank you Leakes and Rodriguez families for five years of wonderful memories. 

Quote of the week

Art everywhere

I've experienced beautiful moments reflecting on the magical movement of steam ascending in artistic wisps from my tea cup.

I'm determined to appreciate the little things in the chill of the fall.

Guilt, not depression.

I've had a few good days after a week of intense "fall depression." I've come to a new perspective on my seasonal crash. I realized the depression doesn't come from wanting or needing to sleep more, pulling back relationally, eating every carb in sight, or staying home bundled up with a good book. The feeling of depression enters with the guilt that comes from neglecting the "shoulds" and cultural expectations, failing to live up to my own ideals of what is productive, my own set of rules to be a "good" parent.

I've decided to step out of the guilt, reframe my actions and interpret the pulling back in a new way. I am not failing my children. I am not lazy. I am not depressed. I am not irresponsible. I am simply choosing to respond to the authentic reaction of my body to fall. Period. New picture painted. Situation reframed. Embracing the new reality. Happy fall!

My Community

I spent all day yesterday at our charter school for Exploration Day. I LOVE OUR LEARNING COMMUNITY. I haven't spent that amount of time at school since the accident in April. It was tiring on a lot of levels, but surprisingly invigorating to be immersed, once again, in the creativity, love, and strength of our family at Eleanor Roosevelt Community Learning Center. I feel like we are the most fortunate people on earth to be part of this unique community of creative beings.

I was reminded how rich my children's lives are, even when all I see at home is a lot of netflix, minecraft, and bickering happening while I hide and recover.

I was reminded of all the wonderful teachers and friends my kids are impacted by in beautiful and positive ways even when I feel like I'm far from "enough" for them at home. I don't have to be everything for them! We have a community that adds to my lack. WOOHOO!

I was reminded of the beauty of fall as the sun warmed me enough to shed a layer! (I lost my Montana blood a long time ago! I hate being cold.)

I was reminded of how much healing has happened in the last couple months allowing me to make it through an entire day at the school again. YAY for healing!

I was reminded of how much I LOVE my kids, my students, and my kids' friends that have found a way into my heart. I am so proud to watch and participate in their "becoming."

I was reminded of the goodness that comes from putting down roots and belonging.

Yesterday filled me with warmth, love and immense joy. Today I'll stay in bed reminding myself of the beauty of our tribe.

Elementary Students Original Song: This song may only be endearing to parents and those who were there, but it makes my heart smile every time I watch it. The music class wrote this song and performed it today.

Thought of the week

As the cold slows my blood and movement to molasses, this is the quote that reminds me to just do what I can do with great love.

Quote of the Week

Washing Feet

I had the opportunity to wash the feet of many women last weekend. It's the first event I've participated in since Thailand nine months ago. Would I have nothing to give or would the nothingness in me allow the flow of God to be richer and fuller than before?

As I knelt before each beautiful woman, the movement of the Divine was tangible. God pours through a willing vessel, no matter how cracked. Typically, as I wash feet, my focus is on how Presence of God is flowing and what Spirit is saying. I have learned to trust this outpouring of the Divine through me.

With that trust in Spirit movement, something else surfaced this time. The slowing down, healing, undoing, and growth of the last several months created a connection to my humanity mingling with the divinity in a new way.

I knelt before them, washing the dirt, looking in their eyes, feeling their despair of feeling unworthy (ie: not perfect). I looked with compassion out of the depth of my humanity confident that even there, especially there, in our imperfection, we are loved. God lavishes his great Love upon humanity and for those that receive, Love transforms the broken places and reveals the gold that's been there all along. Loved, forgiven, empowered, restored, healed. Not because we have it all together but because we are Loved by the Creator of the Universe who knows all the secrets and hidden dirt and loves unconditionally.

Waves of Emotion

I tell my students that emotions are like waves. If we can remember that nothing lasts forever and this feeling won't last forever and fall won't last forever then it is easier to weather the rise and fall of the wave of emotion. I'm reminding myself of that as I snuggle up in bed until much later than I "should."

I'm pretty sure I have bear blood in me. When my kids are old enough, I've determined to ride out a fall completely doing what my body is asking for. And if it asks me to stay in bed until 2:00 pm every day for a month, I want to do it without feeling guilty. Right now, I can't. I'm snuggling in much more than I feel able to get away with. The problem is exacerbated by the guilt feelings that rise from hearing my kids on netflix and minecraft as I can't pull myself out of bed. It's the feeling that I'm missing moments that count. It goes back to a long time struggle for me of feeling like I'm failing as a mom. I kick that one most of the year . . . until I can't get out of bed and it comes flooding back into focus. That too is a wave. Ride it and let it crash, Emie.

I get out of bed late, start my day late, have a few moments of connect and noticing the beauty of fall and then I'm back in my favorite spot through the dark fall and winter months. I was really hoping this one would be different. Oh well. It won't last forever. A new year is right around the corner.

Fall Depression

Fall has fully hit the Central Valley of California and I don't want to get out of bed . . . or talk . . . or type. . . or do anything really. Maybe cry.
The end

Silence and Nature

 The beauty of nature has always captured me. Since childhood, I have loved sitting for long periods of time beside the river or at the edge of wheat fields looking out toward the Rockies at sunset. I sat in silence, watching, thinking, soaking in the beauty.

  I wanted to share those moments with someone who could see, appreciate, soak it in with me. But those I invited had a threshold of about 2 minutes before they were done and off to the next exciting thing. That left a hole.

  Last week, I had the opportunity to be at a silent retreat in the chaparral mountains of southern California. One early morning, a large group of us walked in the light of the moon and stars to the top of the mountain in silence. We sat to soak in the beauty of the sunrise. There was a moment when tears streamed down my cheeks and I could hardly contain myself as I wanted to jump up and say, "THANK YOU for being here with me in this beautiful moment and the silence!" It was deeply healing for me. And beautiful. And fulfilling.

  Thank you to all my new friends who soaked in the beauty of the wonders of nature and the togetherness of silence. I am forever grateful.

Kindness

This song entitled KIND, by Amanda Cook on her new album Brave New World is impacting me deeply. The Kindness of God is an aspect of Creator that I've not explored until recently. This is the God I know. This is the God I love. He is Kind.