LIVE: Quote of the week

There exists in all truths a paradox, I believe.  Along with becoming someone who has learned to dream big, believe the prophecies spoken over my life, and follow my heart, there is also the absolute reality and lesson of simply living life as it presents itself in every moment. I have four children. I am a wife. There are many, many, many days full of the mundane action of simply living.  But I have discovered that in order to feel fully alive in the mundane moments, I need to have the dreams and prophecies and my heart beating wildly about all that is possible. I have also learned that keeping life about real living (vs surviving) in the mundane is to find the beauty, the glory, the magic hidden somewhere in each day. I'm always on the lookout for things that make me catch my breath, feel awake, feel alive, feel human.

So I will live the paradox.  I have big dreams.  I will do my best to position myself to fulfill the giant prophesies spoken over me. At the same time, I will hold on to the beauty in each day.  I will search for the magic in the mundane. I will revel in the hug from my child, in the song played for the 100th time on the penny whistle, and the simple action of making dinner for the 9 millionth time in my life.  I will not forget to live!

¨If you are faithful in small things, you will be faithful in large ones.¨

A Tale of Momentum and Inertia Short film

I LOVE this one minute short film.  It inspires many feelings and thoughts for me.  Scroll down just a bit to find the video. Enjoy!

A Tale of Momentum and Inertia

Magical math moment

Asher and I were working on math. Due to his incredibly beautiful and creative brain and the dyslexia label that accompanies these intensely wonderful and uniquely gifted individuals, we are lagging in the educational system standards that are composed by less creative and more structured individuals like myself.

I realized the chasm of difference in the way our brains work yesterday morning. As I was having him verbally explain different mathematical concepts, he was stuck until I handed him manipulatives. Then without any effort whatsoever and in ways that would take my mind 3x longer (if ever) to see and understand, he was "teaching" me basic math concepts from the viewpoint of his brain. And tears uncontrollably started falling from my eyes.

This child, who by all tests and standards, is far behind the game, is so far ahead of me in understanding and creativity and his ability to solve problems and see things from different angles that I was left stunned. I am not qualified to teach this beautiful little person. I only hope that in giving him the space and support to learn in his way and at his pace, he can discover all the greatness inside of him sooner than later.

For all my hair pulling moments last week, this magical math moment made up for them all.

Melt My Heart

Normally, this 7 year old is a firecracker.  But tonight she melted my heart with her tenderness. After doing a zillion cartwheels around the house for the last several months, and begging and begging to go to gymnastics class, I found a place for her. She is in heaven.

That would be her making it all the way to the top of the climbing rope on her first try.

Starbucks together journaling while the other kiddos were off with friends.  

Back to today.  As I was saying goodnight to her, she said, "Mom, I really love gymnastics."
"I'm glad you do. I really love watching you do what you love. It's a joy for me to give you this opportunity."
"Mom, how much does it cost to let me go?"
"Well, it costs money, but I'm happy to pay it."
"Thank you for sacrificing all that money to let me do what I love." And then I got a giant hug and a giant kiss and a long, heartfelt cuddle full of gratitude.

It is truly one of my greatest joys and privileges to create opportunities for my children to discover the things that make them come alive. Honestly, I think it's my favorite part of being a parent.  So tonight, when my precious seven year old understood and valued what it was costing me to open doors for her to live out her passion, my heart melted on the spot.

Thank you, sweet firecracker, for your heart of gratitude tonight. It was a little moment of magic.

Recovery and Salsa

I never learned to dance.  But I imagine this recovery journey is a little bit like learning how to salsa dance.  I can't say I'm a great follower.  I can certainly say I have trust issues. And the idea of being free enough to sway my hips (which is an important part of salsa dancing) is about enough to make me have a panic attack. Learning how to follow the lead of the Spirit and trust the way I need my body to move or relax in this healing journey has been more than tricky. I'm falling all over the place trying to choreograph my own dance moves so as not to have to stay tuned in E V E R Y   S I N G L E   M O M E N T instead of flowing and following the cues of the Spirit and letting my body sway with Spirit's movement when he leads me to twirl and dip.  

This is what the trusty Internet says is the first rule for a follower in learning Salsa dancing:

  ¨Move when the leader tells you to. As the follower, you must be attuned to what the leader is directing you to do.  Pay attention to all the leads that your partner gives you and move instinctively in the direction that he is pushing you in.

• Do not lead or pull your dance partner around.  As the follower, you should wait for his lead and follow in line with the dance."   - wikiHow

And now I'm laughing out loud.  Epic fail.

My chiropractor is asking me to be a bit more active as we are trying to discover where the problem areas still persist when I'm doing my ¨normal¨ life stuff.  I am definitely making progress.  I am definitely not 100%.  

Prepping for and getting school started last week wiped me out physically and emotionally. Pain and exhaustion were the reward for a wild first week of salsa dance lessons with 3 monkeys!  There are still certain things like house cleaning and interacting with groups of people that completely deplete me.  Thank you for being patient with me as I slowly progress. I'll still be saying no to most things. When I say yes, I've counted the potential cost. I'm learning to enjoy what I can, trying to rest when I can, and trust the leader in my dance called recovery.

Cha cha cha!

Word of the week

You will always be inspiring when you 

speak and live from what is real inside of you.  

As soon as you speak of and try to live out 

concepts that are not alive inside, 

you are only passing on 

someone else's information, 

playing a game.

Just Breathe.  Discover and Be. . . 

beautiful and inspiring

YOU.

Fear or Love

Please remember as you read my blog, I'm writing from the window of MY soul. It may be beneficial to read this post first:  Welcome on my Journey. This is my journey, my story, not to be argued about but heard. . . . or not.

I lived with fear as the foundation of my religious experiences from 0 to 24.  I was afraid of going to hell, afraid of sinning, afraid all the unbelieving people were going to hell if I didn't make them my project and convince them to believe like me, afraid of people who believed different doctrines, afraid of being deceived, afraid of being wrong, acting wrong, doing wrong, thinking wrong, afraid of the rapture, afraid of the end times, afraid of making mistakes, afraid of making God mad, afraid of hurting God's heart, afraid of disobeying, afraid of emotional spiritual experiences because they were not to be trusted (but have all the emotion I want at a sports event), afraid of interpreting the Bible incorrectly, afraid of hearing God incorrectly, afraid of demons, afraid of the supernatural beings, afraid of being immodest, afraid of my sexuality, afraid that any impurity thrown my direction was my fault because I am a woman, afraid of being beautiful, afraid of being vibrant, afraid of drinking, afraid of causing people to stumble, afraid of the heart within me that was deceitful, afraid of my desires, afraid of missing the will of God, afraid of the final judgment, afraid of missing a sin that needed confessing, afraid of having a wrong attitude, afraid, afraid, afraid.  And that's just half the list.

Being the first born, rule following, perfectionist that I was, I worked at this list for decades before I decided I couldn't play that game anymore. It was NOT producing abundant Life that Jesus said he offered people while he was on earth. In fact, there was little to no evidence of a River of Living Water flowing from within me that Jesus said should be happening. There were minute amounts of real peace, love, joy, hope, goodness, kindness that was supposed to be spontaneously popping out of me like fruit does on a branch as evidence of a God Spirit indwelling me.

And the rebel came to the forefront and started asking "Why?"  "Why am I still hurting and in bondage if Jesus said he binds up broken hearts and sets captives free?" "Why do I not feel loved if God said he sent the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with the Love of the Father?"  "Why am I so empty if there are passages that say that once you experience the love of God, you should be filled with the fullness of life and power that comes from God?"  "Why can I not find many human beings who are authentically, vibrantly alive?" Either God's not real, Jesus was a liar, or I don't have real God.

I'm about 15 years beyond my first rebellious questions.  Hundreds of buried fears later, I'm 100% convinced that God is LOVE and perfect Love casts out fear.  If you gave up on God because of your religious experience, I say, "Give up on religion and find real God." Humanity loves religion, God loves relationship. I'll never go back.

NO MAGIC

There was NO MAGIC in our first day of homeschooling on Monday.  None.  I was ready to quit the whole thing and run away by 10 AM and we started at 9.  I cried three times.  I yelled several more than three. Two children were throwing all out temper tantrums (and I don't have any toddlers).

Today was a bit better. We had a brief moment or two of magic, thanks to my large cup of caffeine and the prayers of friends I sent an SOS to. But, as Asher so insightfully commented, "Today being a better day than yesterday isn't saying much, Mom!" "Yes dear, I fully comprehend the weight of that comparison." I only cried once. I don't remember yelling at all.

Some may say I'm raising completely undisciplined, disrespectful children who don't know how to submit or obey. Heck, I may say that in the thick of it. But when they are asleep and the house is quiet, I'd like to think I'm raising children who can think for themselves, have a will that won't be crushed, know what they want and how to voice it, and are in the painful process of learning how to be all those world changing things RESPECTFULLY and with SELF CONTROL.  Sooooooo, those are our words of the year: respect and self control.

Maybe we'll find a little more magic tomorrow.

Magical places

I often catch my breath in a beautiful place or moment and say, "This feels so magical."

I didn't consider myself a very creative or imaginative child, especially not compared to my children and their friends.  BUT I loved reading.  It was a beautiful escape for me.  The more I think about the places and moments when I feel magic now, the more I wonder if they don't remind me somehow of the magical places I journeyed to as a child through the doorway of stories into worlds of imagination.

I'm so thankful for the amount of reading my kids do, for the imagination and creativity they live out with their friends, for all the experiences they are having that will carry into their adulthood and create pockets of magic within a world of to do's, responsibility, and stress.  I hope they are able to find the magic and beauty everywhere as adults and bring others into it.  For ultimately, I think it is the magic beholders, magic feelers, magic makers, and those who invite others into their magical places that displaces the curses.  Those who believe that the magic is more real than the curse can find and bring beauty, love, solutions, light, and hope back into a hurting, gray world.

Quote of the week

"What if I fail to fulfill the prophecy?"

"What if you fail to try?"

- from the Pan movie preview

I believe in prophecy: prophecy that builds up, encourages, uncovers the gold in people and their future and propels them forward to impact their world with love, goodness, glory, and greatness. There have been countless prophesies spoken over my life, Heath's life, our lives together.  I have a huge book full of them. I've been recording and reading and rereading them for over 13 years.  They are the things I believe will happen as we keep ourselves open to all the possibilities and walk through doors when they are opened, even when it seems crazy.  It's simply having faith in what I believe God has spoken to me about my destiny, our destiny. Faith / intention activates the supernatural to move in our favor.  

Heath's amazing and wild journey to bring Light and Love in Peru right now is partial fulfillment of a prophecy spoken over him in 2004.  Working with Miguel as he runs for the presidency, is partial fulfillment of a prophecy spoken over us in 2009.  The business side of what Heath is doing in Peru is partial fulfillment of a prophecy spoken in 2007. I wish I could share all the details behind this journey. It's truly blowing my mind! All that to say, Peru is going far better for Heath than we anticipated but just as brilliantly as was foretold. Thanks for all your love, prayer, support, encouragement and belief in who we are as people who carry hope, light, freedom, and love into every place and situation we find ourselves in.  It's the best job in the world.  

"To live will be an awfully big adventure."

-J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan

Tree of Life or The Knowledge of Good and Evil

There is a story about the fall of mankind. It contains a universal truth that I observe being played out every day throughout all of life, in every culture around the world, throughout all of known history.  

In this story, God communes face to face with Adam and Eve.  They walk together in the cool of the day. And there is only one boundary line, we are told.  ¨You are free to eat of every tree in the garden, EXCEPT the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil.¨  Oh, and there was a Tree of Life that was included in the ¨every tree¨ bit.  Eat from the Tree of Life and you will live for eternity in beautiful and intimate relationship with Creator God and each other. Eat from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil and you will surely die, experiencing separation from Creator God and each other.  

LIFE juxtaposed with THE KNOWLEDGE of Good and Evil.  

It doesn't take an historian or a philosopher to look at history and recount the millions of times that dividing life into ¨Good or Evil, Right or Wrong¨ has caused some significant problems for humanity.  When we choose to categorize life by ¨Good and Evil or Right and Wrong,¨ it will ALWAYS cause division. It can do nothing BUT cause division among us. Someone will always be on the side of right and someone else will always be on the side of wrong . . . no matter what.  Put yourself in the ¨wrong¨ person's shoes and now right is wrong and wrong is right.  It just depends on who taught you their lens of right and wrong.  And in division and judgment of one another, of ourselves, we experience death on the largest scale.  
I'm done categorizing life and people and behaviors and belief systems. I want LIFE. I am choosing to abandon the lenses of ¨Good and Bad, Right and Wrong¨ and replace them with LIFE or DEATH.  It may seem at first glance, just a matter of semantics.  But I assure you, after 11 years of chewing on this concept, it is NOT. It is an entirely different way of viewing the world, people, choices, belief systems, humanity as a whole.

I choose LIFE.  

And if this very brief explanation of a gigantic concept I've been pondering for over a decade makes you want to argue with me, please refrain.  I welcome face to face conversations on this topic where we can actually hear one another and go into detail about what we are trying to say.  This post is only to spur on some thinking, not to change your mind or to give a full explanation of how this concept affects almost every area of my life and relationships.  That would take volumes.  

DO MORE: video of the week

I love this three minute, Casey Neistat video called, DO MORE.  I shared the first video he did for Nike awhile ago and this is a follow up.  I like this one better.  Makes me want to do this someday!  After picking up Judah from the airport and hearing about his trip to Peru, I'm feeling the itch for another international adventure. When I'm all better.  ;)

¨When nothing is for sure, anything can happen!¨  

- Casey Neistat

DO MORE

Experience Life, Experience God

"The more of life we experience, the more of God we will know."  - me

When I was barely 20, I spoke those words.  I could not have known what I was talking about since I hadn't lived much and certainly hadn't had very many opportunities to experience a wide range of places, people, cultures, or ideologies. But there was a conviction deep within my spirit even then, that experiencing more of the world, life, and people would lead me into deep places in the heart of God that I could find no other way.

Today, I stand by this 100%.  With every new adventure, culture, experience, food, person, idea that I behold, I experience more of the Living God.  This week, I was invited to experience Hobie sailing and stand up paddle boarding. Within the first few minutes of my crash course lesson in sailing, I knew this was going to be rich with insight about Spirit and life and the beauty of God.

My favorite insight of the day was allowing myself to feel the wind and the water.  The last several years have been a journey of trusting when and where and how I sense Spirit movement.  When I was on the boat, trusting my sense of what the wind was doing and how it would shift, I would move beautifully and quickly through the water. I could never stay moving in one direction very long, as the wind on Kaweah Lake varies greatly. I was ready to shift direction the moment I could sense the wind do so. It was exhilarating.

When I was on the paddle board, I let my body feel the movement of the water under me. I was able to be steady in my core, stand firm on the board and stay above water.  It wasn't about what I knew or how often I'd done these things.  It was simply about sensing the wind and the water and trusting the way I felt these powerful elements moving under and around me. I could trust my judgments of the wind and water and adjust my boat, body, paddle, or sail accordingly.  I loved every single minute of that day.

I am full of thankfulness to those who invite me into new experiences.  With every one, God becomes more beautiful, I become more alive, and his glory radiates just a little more brightly through this jar of clay.

Quote of the week

"Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing. "

-Helen Keller

Song of the Week

I LIVED

This is one of my very favorite inspiring songs. It has been on repeat in my mind all day.  I Lived by OneRepublic.

I've had a beautiful and difficult few days. Beautiful, because of the amazing relationships I have in my life, the kind, funny old men I met at the coffee shop, and the incredible new experience of Hobie Sailing and Paddleboarding (more on that later).

Difficult, because I'm working through some intense trauma history with our counselor. Lots of tears on and off through the last couple days.  Once again, I realize why people don't deal with their shit and keep trying to survive with pain, habits, anger, fear, walls, unhealthy patterns.  Dealing is hard.  Change feels impossible. The road through the dark inner places is scary. And we can't do it alone.

It is time for me.  I have the right people surrounding me. I feel ready for the wounds to be reopened so they can be cleaned out and finally heal. I refuse to simply survive.  I will fully heal and fully LIVE!

I LIVED

Aspirational Porn or Inspiration?

This article called, "Aspirational Porn," A##holes, and Why You MUST Travel (or DO SOMETHING), is a fantastic article that will shed some light on what our journey has been like from someone else's perspective.  If you've ever been frustrated by our lifestyle, this is a must read.  If you've ever been inspired by our lifestyle, this is a must read.  ENJOY!