17 years of Marriage

“Love heals. Heals and liberates. I use the word love, not meaning sentimentality, but a condition so strong that it may be that which holds the stars in their heavenly positions and that which causes the blood to flow orderly in our veins¨.

- Maya Angelou - Mom & Me & Mom

Today, we have been married 17 years.  It has definitely NOT been the easiest adventure I've ever been on.  Learning to love unconditionally, the kind of love that heals and casts out fear, is not natural. Marriage, for me, has been a journey of letting the Source of perfect Love undo and remake me, heal me, fill me, pour through me, and even give me courage to stand my ground to fight for the kind of supernatural Love and connection that I know we are created to experience and share with fellow human beings. We are created for divine intimacy.  Yes, a divine intimacy that can, and dare I say, should be experienced through human relationship. (I'm not just talking about marriage, for all my single friends out there.)  

And maybe this is the reason God didn't allow me to become a hermit in the hills.  There is something wonderful and unique about the mystical experiences of Divine Love when I'm all alone.  But the things I'm learning about Divine Love flowing through one human to another through our Emotionally Focused Therapy is phenomenally healing and powerful.  The phrase, ¨Perfect Love casts out fear,¨ is becoming more and more real. Here's to the adventure of learning divine intimacy and connection over the next 17 years, Heath Allen Locke. Maybe we'll hit bliss yet!. ;)

A Locke Adventure

I sent this guy to Peru today.  Two months.  His adventure with our friend Miguel and a presidential campaign.  My adventure with four kids and a healing journey.  Thanks for all your prayers, love, light, support, friendship, encouragement, and help.  It's gonna be . . . an adventure.

Projection

I have a 13 year old son living in my home.  Frequently, I have no idea how to proceed.

As I was processing the challenges of parenting a pubescent creature with a dear friend, she had the most helpful insight for me.  She asked if I had any brothers.  "Yes, two younger." She proceeded to share that she occasionally found herself projecting some of her sibling relational struggle onto her relationship with her children.  Maybe I was doing that as well.

I chewed on this for a few hours, a few days, a couple weeks.  Yes.  I have been projecting.  My brother, three years younger than I, was the closest and safest person in my world until he became the creature of the in between.  I was a junior in high school when he started to change into the half boy, half man, mostly just a creature thing.  He didn't want me around much.  Didn't need me to talk or listen or hang out.  Didn't want me to cheer too loudly at his ball games.  Didn't want to speak to me in the halls at school.  Didn't want to hug for even a millisecond much less any meaningful amount of time.  I spent the rest of my two years at home tip toeing around the person I loved the most.

I misunderstood.  I felt rejected.  I did not live at home again for more than two weeks at a time.  We never had the chance to reestablish our relationship after he emerged from his creature state to become the amazing man that he is.  Even though we have deep respect for one another and love based on a real childhood bond, I still felt on shaky ground.  When I go visit every couple of years, I find myself tip toeing, not sure what will upset him, make him feel frustrated with me or push me away.  I had no idea this was under the surface.

I took my 13 year old creature on a date.  I apologized for allowing fear to affect the way I was parenting him.  I explained how I was projecting my relationship with my brother onto him.  I promised that I will do my best to allow our relationship to grow free of fear and as its own entity.  He heard me. Now when he wakes up in the morning and all I get is a grunt and being ignored for three days before the creature needs some mom interaction, I'm not afraid.  He will move through this stage back into a human being if his siblings don't take revenge on his erratic and rude creature behaviors first.  We will have the real possibility of connection once again!

To top it off, I had an amazing conversation with my brother.  We were able to reestablish a loving and safe connection as adults.  Where our relationship goes from here is yet to be determined, but at least it can be free of the rejection and fear I have carried for twenty years.  Thank you, dear friend, for sharing your wisdom and insight into my creature struggle.  My life is better because you're in it.

Reflection

The pool was glass.  By looking down at the surface of the water, I was able to see beautiful blue sky and white billowing clouds, huge green trees, an upside down house, and bright green lawn chairs. The perspective was off, but the reflected images were crisp and clear and concise on the glassy surface.  Was I seeing the clouds and trees and house accurately?  No, but I was seeing images of them clearly.  Was I looking at the trees themselves?  No, but I could describe many accurate details of the tree simply by looking at the reflection.  When the breeze came through, the images wavered. A peaceful environment is best for clearest reflection.

"We can be mirrors that brightly reflect the glory of the Lord.  And as the Spirit of the Lord works within us, we become more and more like him and reflect his glory with increasing measure."

Question of the week

What would you do if you weren't afraid?

The Itsy Bitsy Spider

A teeny, tiny spider sped across my journal as I was writing.  Without slowing, hesitating or probably even thinking, she quickly made her way to the edge of the table and launched without so much as a millisecond of pause.  An unseen silk anchor gently lowered her to my chair.  Again, she took off with speed and launched off the edge once more.  Trusty silk anchor held tight and she floated peacefully to the ground where she moved so fast, I didn't even see where she went.

God said I can be that spider.  He is my trusty silk anchor and I don't even have to pause as I'm nearing the edge of the table, chair, cliff, whatever.  He has me.  Before Heath and I were ever dating, I told him I would only marry someone who would take me to the edge of the cliff and say, "Let's jump!"  Hmmmm.  I definitely married the right guy for the fulfillment of that desire.

We are nearing another edge.  Heath is really leaving for Peru for two months in ten short days.  I've felt completely peaceful about it until three days ago. The little gnawing doubts started to creep into my thoughts.  By yesterday, I was not only paused in forward movement, I was backpedaling from the edge, wondering what the hell we think we're doing . . . again.

After the spider taught me a thing or two about trust, peace settled.  I'm sure there will be other moments of wondering/panic, but I'm so confident that my loving God is speaking and ready to tell me that he's got me and I can leap and gently fall to the next landing place.  I am loved.  I am cared for.  I am held by the Creator of the infinite universe.  That's an anchor worth trusting.  

Quote of the Week

¨Action expresses priorities.¨
- Ghandi

Healing Cycles

The last couple weeks have felt filled with hope and promise of my future being wonderful, long held dreams on the verge of moving into reality, and healing that I've known is necessary in deep places of my soul feeling right before me. But all that is exhausting.

It was beneficial and encouraging to hear from the neurologist that my brain is healing well and there is no permanent damage. I didn't fail the test. :)  Now I can put the healing focus on the adrenal fatigue, whiplash, and emotional component.

But I'm tired.  A lot.  My chiropractor explained that healing can move in cycles.  As we keep working toward complete healing, some weeks we peel back a layer and go a little deeper.  I have to sleep a lot more.  I'm pretty useless except to get to my appointments and try to be present for my kiddos occasionally.  I can feel my whole being releasing the stress and strain and putting all the energy I have into bringing my body, soul, and spirit back into alignment.

I'm in awe of the team of people working with me in this healing journey that is about my car accident but touching into wounded places that I thought might never see light.  And Heath and I continue to see a marriage counselor who is the best I have ever heard of.  We have made some giant steps forward and that has been extremely encouraging for both of us.

I am healing.  Deeply.  Back at the beginning of this healing journey in April, I made the declaration that I would FULLY HEAL.  I assumed that might take a good month.  HA. I know now that God took me up on that declaration and decided to use this time to heal many areas in my whole being.  And he has connected me to five truly gifted, amazing, professional people to work with me and provide the most comprehensive support system to heal in that I could have ever imagined.  In fact, I would've never imagined being surrounded by such a caliber of talented and intuitive healers.

So . . . the healing is taking far longer than I thought.  But it's going far deeper than I imagined.  And in the end, you might not even recognize me.  :)  Thank you to all who continue to pray for me in this season.

Rememeber

Fully Alive

Sometimes I'm drawn to a person because I can see all the beauty and gold and creativity and passion and brilliance hiding just under the surface of the responsible adult mask or the wounded heart shroud or the squashed and stifled cloak or the mantle of fear.  I see the glory of God and I know it wouldn't take much to uncover all that goodness so the world could experience the uniqueness of that glory through that individual.

And sometimes I land in the path of a person that is so brilliantly alive that I just sit and marvel at the beauty and vulnerability and passion and light and love and gold that is radiating out of them so freely.  That happens far less often than I think it should.  Too many of us live in the above paragraph.  

But today, I was dropped into the path of a brilliantly alive person.  She was warm and passionate and engaged and self aware and honest and vulnerable and real and beautiful and inspiring.  We were strangers at 8:00 am and soul sisters by 9:30.  How does that happen? I texted her later, thanking her for doing the hard work of becoming so fully alive.  

And there is the key.  We are born fully alive and from there we gradually learn how to shut down to simply survive. At some point, some people get tired of simply surviving. . . it's not living.  Then the work begins by shedding all that has been taken on to uncover all the beauty and gold and creativity and uniqueness within. It is scary to become all that we were created to become.  It is risky.  You will lose friends.  You will be labeled and people around you will have to shift as you shift.  They usually don't like that.  

BUT IT IS WORTH IT!!!  It is so worth it when you are the person sitting across the table from someone who is longing to be alive and tired of simply surviving and YOU are the inspiring one.  It is so worth it when YOU are the one feeling and exploring and discovering and creating and becoming and adding so much goodness and love and light to the world that everyone wants to be near you somehow.  And if we all decided to just do the work and become fully alive, the world would be a little more wonderful.  :)   

Seeing

Whatever you are expecting to see . . . that is what you will see.  

Testing

It's been awhile since I've had a 4 hour exam. I loved school, I loved learning, I even loved taking tests that I had prepared well for (read "OVER prepared.") But how do you prepare to be tested for a concussion?! I have this odd anxiety of failing. I feel so strange about it. If they test me and say there's nothing wrong, I'll be happy. But then I'll be confused. Because clearly, as my family can attest, I am not normal. But maybe, as my friend has said, this me is the new normal and I need to embrace this me for now.

I will wake up in a few hours and have 4 hours of testing with a neurologist to see where I'm at with concussion symptoms.  Hopefully it's beneficial in the end.  :) And now I will try to sleep so I can wake up.

Make It Count

This short video by a guy named Casey Neistat entitled "Make It Count,"just makes me want to LIVE and TRAVEL and GO and do all the things in my heart I want to do!  It's only 4 1/2 min.  If you have the travel bug in your blood at all, you'll love this.

Word of the Week

syn·chro·nic·i·ty

ˌsiNGkrəˈnisədē/

noun

1. 1.

   the simultaneous occurrence of events that appear significantly related but have no discernible causal connection.