Two twenty AM. WIDE AWAKE. Brain still in Thailand, body in America. It's been a whirlwind of a week but I've been wide awake.
Wide awake as I've tried to hear four of my favorite people on the planet talking at me at the same time.
Wide awake as I cleaned (only the kitchen) in the house we moved out of. Thanks for doing ALL THE REST OF EVERYTHING TO MOVE OUR FAMILY, HEATH LOCKE! YOU ARE SUPER MAN!
Wide awake as I watched in awe as my children and their friends marvelously performed "A Midsummer Night's Dream."
Wide awake as I unpacked boxes in our beautiful and peaceful new space. Honestly, I cannot get over the place our friends are allowing us to rent. I keep thinking I'll wake from this dream!
Wide awake as I had a house full of friends spend the night and make dinner while I finished unpacking.
Wide awake standing in our beautiful new kitchen listening to the conversation of 10 of the most amazing, deep, inspiring friends anyone could ever wish for.
Wide awake as we stood around our dear friend recently diagnosed with breast cancer and poured love and healing into her and her husband.
Wide awake as we celebrated my amazing 10 year old birthday boy with 21 kids and 9 adults.
Wide awake as I drank too much tea until midnight with my dear friend who was my junior high student 10 years ago who stopped by on her way to Palm Springs.
Wide awake as I am recalling all the beautiful, fulfilling events and people that have hugged me, laughed with me, cried with me and welcomed me back to this life giving community in Visalia, CA that I deeply love.
Traveling the world is thrilling and life changing. But coming home to people that I truly know and love and who love me in return is the most rewarding thing on the planet.
I might be able to fall asleep now, but I hope I always remain WIDE AWAKE.
Sunday, March 22, 2015
Sunday, March 8, 2015
Language of Love
Today I spent the morning with a beautiful group of Thai people. We couldn't speak the same kind of words, but we could all understand the language of love. At one point, I had an opportunity to pray and pour love into a few of the women. I was immediately drawn to an elderly woman with a sad face. She sat with her head down and I just went to her and knelt in front of her and held her hands. I spent several moments pouring in love and light and hope. I could feel it pouring out of me and I could feel her receiving it. Then I felt compelled to give her a hug. The Thai culture is not very hug oriented and the only emotion that is typically portrayed is laughter and smiles even if they are dying on the inside.
As I went to hug her, I noticed a tear trickling down her cheek. She quickly entered into my embrace and I held her for several more moments. Again, I could feel Love pouring into her. And then the sobs started. Slowly at first and then uncontrollably. I kissed her on the cheek and that's when gut wrenching sobs came out, for a very long time.
I honestly don't know what exactly happened for that beautiful older woman. But this is what I know. Love, the deepest, purest, form of Love was touching the deepest, hurting, lonely places in that beautiful woman. It was one of the greatest privileges of my life to hold her as she sobbed.
And I never said a word.
As I went to hug her, I noticed a tear trickling down her cheek. She quickly entered into my embrace and I held her for several more moments. Again, I could feel Love pouring into her. And then the sobs started. Slowly at first and then uncontrollably. I kissed her on the cheek and that's when gut wrenching sobs came out, for a very long time.
I honestly don't know what exactly happened for that beautiful older woman. But this is what I know. Love, the deepest, purest, form of Love was touching the deepest, hurting, lonely places in that beautiful woman. It was one of the greatest privileges of my life to hold her as she sobbed.
And I never said a word.
Monday, March 2, 2015
All in
I've realized something about myself again since I've been here. I am 100% all in wherever I am. When I lived in Oregon, I was all in. I couldn't handle the thought of leaving even though we'd always wanted to live overseas. When I was in Africa, though it was undoubtedly one of the hardest seasons of my life, I was still all in and not really sure we were supposed to leave. When we lived in Strathmore, CA, I was all in and grieved having to leave that little farm house out in the middle of nowhere that represented so much healing to me and my kids. In Three Rivers, I'm all in. I can't imagine our family being anywhere else. I don't want to leave.
And yet, here I am in Chiangmai, feeling like I belong and never want to leave. Hmmmm. That's a bit of an issue. Or is it? Maybe I just need to realize that I don't have to hold anything so tightly and feel like I never want to leave it. Maybe I can trust that I'm all in here and I'm all in there and I'm all in everywhere. I could enjoy life with a house and with a mouse and here or there. Yes I can enjoy life everywhere. ;)
I know how to grieve what I'm saying goodbye to very well and in that, I have room in my heart to fully embrace what is coming next. I'm all in. I'm feeling a lot more peace about not knowing what's next for our family. I'd still like to not be wondering where we will land 4 days after I hit California soil, but I'm trusting God has a plan and it will be revealed at the right time. And as I challenged Abiel yesterday, I'm trying to see this transition simply as one more Locke Adventure rather than a Locke Upheaval. And that goes back to my ideas about perceptions. Can I weather this challenge with a perception that will actually bring me peace and joy or will I face it with the perceptions of dread and uncertainty. I'm trying to choose the former. And no matter what, no matter where, I'm pretty confident now that I'll be all in.
And yet, here I am in Chiangmai, feeling like I belong and never want to leave. Hmmmm. That's a bit of an issue. Or is it? Maybe I just need to realize that I don't have to hold anything so tightly and feel like I never want to leave it. Maybe I can trust that I'm all in here and I'm all in there and I'm all in everywhere. I could enjoy life with a house and with a mouse and here or there. Yes I can enjoy life everywhere. ;)
I know how to grieve what I'm saying goodbye to very well and in that, I have room in my heart to fully embrace what is coming next. I'm all in. I'm feeling a lot more peace about not knowing what's next for our family. I'd still like to not be wondering where we will land 4 days after I hit California soil, but I'm trusting God has a plan and it will be revealed at the right time. And as I challenged Abiel yesterday, I'm trying to see this transition simply as one more Locke Adventure rather than a Locke Upheaval. And that goes back to my ideas about perceptions. Can I weather this challenge with a perception that will actually bring me peace and joy or will I face it with the perceptions of dread and uncertainty. I'm trying to choose the former. And no matter what, no matter where, I'm pretty confident now that I'll be all in.
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