Living and Writing

Yesterday I was finished blogging for the rest of my life. Then I woke up today and asked myself why. After fighting for a year to figure out how to say what I'm really wanting to say, now I'm going to stop?

I want to write about Life. Even though I'm going through an extremely difficult season and some days feel like hell, many days I feel alive, hopeful, and full of peace. I want to write about what's real for me. The beautiful, hopeful things are often more real than the pain. But when I start writing about the beautiful things, I feel guilty. Like people are going to think I'm smoothing over the pain and pretending that everything is ok. That's not it.

That's not it at all.

I process the pain with my closest friends. I cry. I sob. I feel it all. But then I move on to the beautiful things. Beautiful connections with my amazing kids. Beautiful moments in nature soaking up Life all around me. Beautiful moments pouring out life on those I'm working with in craniosacral and massage therapy. Beautiful moments using my brain to learn clarinet, bones and muscles, aromatherapy, and how to start my own business. Beautiful moments with friends talking about LIVING and BECOMING and CREATING magic in our world.

I refuse to let pain and difficulty steal, kill or destroy my life. I believe in a LIFE GIVER. I believe in a Redeemer. I believe in a CREATOR God who is ever at the task of creating life out of nothing, life out of chaos. And that's what the Beautiful Spirit of God is doing in, around and through me. It's what He did for the last 39 years of my life to get me to this place, to mold me into the person I am today. And this is simply one more piece of my story that contains pain and seeming death. But with God, life is the focus . . . even in death. So I will continue to write about Life.

Beautiful People

I have some of the most beautiful friends in the world.

Today

I'm tired. I don't have anything to say. I'm glad I have faith that life rises from ashes. Send me love. End of today's story.

Discover Magic

I pulled up to school with Asher, my 11 year old, in the front seat and he said, "Life turned bad when I turned 9."

"Really? Do you want to tell me about that?"

Lots of silence and thoughtfully, he responded, "Well, that's the year I discovered there wasn't a magic portal to find around the corner. It's when the magic I was waiting to experience became the reality that life is just hard and not magical. It's when my imagination felt like it wasn't real anymore."

H.e.a.r.t.b.r.e.a.k. With tears in my eyes, I looked into his and said, "Asher, the magic is real. And it takes creative people like you with imaginations and faith to tap into that world that exists and bring it in to the world of hard and not magical adulthood. It's people like you and C.S. Lewis, Tolkein, Rowling, Michelangelo, DaVinci, Edison, Einstein, and all the great storytellers, artists and makers throughout history who help us wake up and remember there is more. We love those stories, art, and inventions because they touch the place in us that knows somewhere, somehow the magic is real. I can't believe humanity would have such longing within us if it wasn't. And you can help us stay awake to what is real if you don't lose it yourself."

With a giant smile and relief on his face, he simply said, "Ok, Mom," and jumped out of the car and bounded to class.

Song of the week

Quote of the week

Clarifying

Heath asked me to clarify what you might need to judge me for in case you haven't heard the rumors.

1. Heath and I have had a difficult marriage from very early on in our relationship. Most of our friends through the years have known this. I never tried to hide that fact even when we were in Christian ministry, missionaries in Africa, recovering from Africa and then when we tried to get back overseas a few years ago.

2. I have been open with most people close to us and even in Locke updates and blog posts about my anger and rage that was part of my struggle for many years of our marriage. I deeply hurt Heath in my anger. I am full of remorse for this.

3. We had a co-dependent, dysfunctional relationship. I cannot keep living in the level of dysfunction we created. He is wounded and I am wounded. For many reasons I will not disclose here, I asked Heath to move out in January and I am moving toward divorce. Feel free to blame it all on my woundedness.

4. I have been accused of many, many, many things over the last several months by different people. I will name a few and you can create whatever story you would like to construct around these accusations. Or you can ask whomever you would like to fill in details of their perspective of the story. If you come to me to get details just to know where to put me, I probably won't answer. If you come because you really want to know me, I might.

• Witch (as in real witches who cast spells and got burned at stakes) 
• Whore (but just for the record I was a virgin when I got married at 21 and have had sex with one man in my entire 39 years . . . so go ahead and construct that story without the sexual intercourse part.) 
• Pathological liar 
• Heretic
• Teacher of False Doctrines
• Hypocrite
• Controlling, manipulative
• Completely deceived and following demons
• Angry, bitter, unforgiving
• A destroyer of all that is good
• Selfish
• Running away

And the list could go on actually. It's quite colorful and hurtful. And truly, as I am learning about perceptions, if you stand in the shoes of those accusing, I might be all those things and a million more. It just takes a few core beliefs in place to see me that way. But if you stand in my shoes, want to hear my heart and feel what I feel, you might be able to see I'm human, I'm hurting and I'm finally doing something about it rather than waiting for something else or someone else to change or rescue me. Maybe my actions aren't as worthy of such grand accusations when you stand in my shoes.

I'm done trying to hold together what has been miserable for all involved. And though this is simply my perception, I feel I spent 16 years and all my heart, effort, and focus doing what I could to make our marriage work. I have nothing left to give. A million genuine kudos to all women who can do marriage until death do us part. I am not one of those women. Put me in whatever category you want.

This is my journey. I will continue to share what I see and experience to be real, heart breaking, life giving, authentic, messy, beautiful, inspiring, truthful, hopeful, kind, and loving. I will share some of my hard days and I will share some of my good.

I have no desire to perpetuate drama for you to follow. You have plenty of movie stars for that. I am sharing me. I am not sharing my marriage drama, divorce drama, parenting drama, etc. I may share things about each of those experiences or roles I fill, but mostly, I'm simply learning to share me, my heart, my emotions, my thoughts, my stories.

I will continue to write about what I'm experiencing, seeing, and feeling because I believe I'm not the only one experiencing these things. We need to know we're not alone in our crazy journey. Though you may not be in the middle of a divorce, you may be doing something that causes judgment. Or you may have someone in your life you are judging.

So if you can keep reading without hating me, I welcome you to do so. If you keep reading to perpetuate your negative opinion of me, I'm sad for you. There's so much of life to live rather than wasting it on reading stuff simply to build a case against someone. I release you to LIVE free of me.

I did not touch on my shift in spirituality which is of giant focus to many at the moment. I don't plan on posting in defense of my spirituality anytime soon, if ever. I will continue to post bits and pieces of thoughts I have. But to try and write about how I got here and where here is would take a book . . . so maybe that's when you'll be able to read all about my deviation from the religion of Christianity while holding tightly to my love, relationship, and connection to God through Jesus Christ with His very Spirit indwelling me. Don't hold your breath waiting for the book. I've got four kids to finish raising, a massage therapy business to start, a heart to find space to heal, and a messy life to find balance in.

I'm sorry if you feel the tinge of defensiveness and hurt in this post. I'm trying really, really hard to be positive through the barrage of shit flying at me. Give me a little break on tone today.

And finally, I want to say I am deeply sorry for any person in a religious or tight family circle who chose to get divorced, or think differently, or got pregnant out of wed lock, or came out of the sexual orientation closet, or was "rebellious" and had to leave God and family behind because you didn't want to drag him through the mud you had to slog through to be free. Your family may not be, but God is still right there beside you loving you. I'm deeply, deeply sorry for the accusations and the lonely, painful journey you walked. On behalf of those who say they love God but perpetuate such pain for those already in pain, I apologize.

Judgments

Some of you may not know what to do with the differing stories you are hearing about my family. Some are forming opinions based on my blog and snatches of gossip floating around. Some have heard parts of the story from me or my kids or Heath. I am asking, once again, for you to suspend judgment. You do not and cannot know the whole story.

You can only know my entire story if you can crawl inside my soul, feel what I feel, know what I've lived, experience the triggers I experience, and think the thoughts I think. (That's not taking into account Heath's, Abiel's, Judah's, Asher's, and Ella's entire story either.) There's only one being who can do that - Creator God. Until you can do that, you cannot judge me, the situation, or Heath accurately. Not even with a boat load of stories told to you from seemingly reliable sources, words from my own lips or journals, or posts from my own blog. You can't accurately assess my life based on the few outward choices you observe from a distance or hear about. Do you really know why I am doing what I'm doing, write what I write, live how I live? Your judgments will always be without all the evidence necessary to make a fair and accurate judgment. Your judgments will be laden with your own triggers, fears, belief systems, and bias.

So how am I asking you approach me, my story and my family? With curiosity? With unconditional Love? With a desire to know or understand me? With a desire to share something real of yourself. Come without pity or placating. Come without an agenda to change me, make me repent, and fall back in your line so you feel comfortable around me. If those options feel too difficult, then feel free to stop reading my blog and unfriend me from facebook. I'm not trying to make enemies. I'm not trying to change anyone's belief system. I'm not trying to win anyone to my side. I'm simply telling my stories and expressing what is real in me. I plan to continue learning how to do that with increasing clarity and realness.

Thank you to all who have read, listened, and observed while remaining loving and nonjudgmental. Your kindness is light in a stormy season.

Perceptions

I'm wrestling the alligator of perception integrity as I struggle with what to share. If I'm integreful to my perceptions, I'm leaving out the point of view of my family. Each of them have entirely different perspectives on this season of our life. All points of view are real and valid. I'm trying to remind myself this blog is the place where I'm learning how to share snippets of my life viewed from one window of my soul. I honor and value the experiences and perceptions of the 5 other Lockes and, quite frankly, all the people who intersect my path. But I'm not trying to share their stories. Thank you for being kind and gracious as you view the snippets of my perceptions I bravely share. I'm thankful to fall back on the words of the dear old coffee shop sage I met last year, "Write even if people are offended. There will always be people who are offended. But someone needs to hear your words."

Quote for the week

"Faith that raises the dead

never rises from the

reasonings of a religious mind.

True faithfulness grows 

in the realm 

of the heart 

by the catalyst of love."

- Martha Kilpatrick

Poem of the Week

Ella participated in the county Poetry and Prose event presenting two memorized poems with confidence and grace taking me on a beautiful nature walk. Her poems are below. Another little 1st grade girl from a different school presented the last poem below with a wispy little voice and all the sweet innocence embodying this entire poem. I was transported through the beauty of earth and then on to the stars by these two beautiful little girls.

The Oak

By Maud Keary

"Dear Me, how nice this rain is," said the Oak,

"I hope at last we're in for a good soak;

My leaves were getting dusty, and my roots

felt like a tired man's toes inside his boots!" 

Cuckoo Flowers and Daisies

By Maud Keary

Cuckoo flowers and daisies

Grasses grey with dew

Sunbeams of buttercups

And a sky all blue.

Primroses and cowslips

Bluebells and sweet may,

And a cuckoo calling

Far, far away.

Forget-me-nots and cresses

In the streamlet blue,

Fly a little nearer,

Oh, Cuckoo, do!

A Stargazer's Dream

By Susan Noyes Anderson

The magic of the universe

calls out to me from every star,

beyond the moon, my dreams unfold

and carry me to worlds afar.

I am as light as fairy wings.

My soul flies gossamer and free,

across the clouds and continents,

into the midnight galaxy.

There is no end to my delight.

I twirl through every sacred part,

collecting bits of pixie dust

to glisten in my mind and heart.

And when I land, my spirit filled,

the person that I know as me

shines brighter, lit up by each flash

of fantasy and reverie.

Quote of the Week

Strong Enough

Sometimes tears can't be contained. I'm not one to stop them if they need to fall. But through the struggle of our transition as a family, I've tried really hard to hold it together for my kids. My well of tears is a little deeper and harder to reach these days. The other day, it rained and my well overflowed out my tear ducts. Asher came out of his room to check on me in the puddle at the kitchen table. I gave him a hug saying, "I'm strong enough to be weak. You don't need to be strong for me. Thank you for caring. Letting my emotion happen gives you permission to let yours happen. And you're strong enough to be weak, too."

Thank you, my dear friend YP, for reminding me to let my kids know I'm strong enough to be weak, and so are they.

Human Houses

People are like houses. Every person is a unique place. I love the variance in colors, decorations, smells and styles. No two houses are the same. I love, love, love the privilege of being invited through a doorway into the living space of another. 

If you meet me (on an extrovert day), I'll invite you right into my kitchen where the roast is in the crockpot, hot tea is ready, and you'll find nourishment for body and soul. If you're safe and we're friends for awhile, I might invite you into other rooms of my house. There are many rooms in here. Some marked "The Great Parenting Experiment," "The Great Homeschooling Experiment," my health, spirituality, my messy family, current struggle, past pain, things that make me feel alive, things that trigger sadness, my crazy thoughts, my passions, etc. I only have a couple friends who have had a peak into the majority of my rooms. No one but God has seen them all. 

When I invite someone into the kitchen, I can almost immediately tell if they are fishing for a quick tour of my house to make sure the right color is on the wall, certain books are on the shelf, and the style is comfortable and familiar. If I indulge a short tour, I feel completely disregarded as a whole person. They don't care about my house, the history in it, or the overarching feeling inside. They disregard the nourishment and life I'm willing to share. They only seem to care about finding things in certain rooms that will affirm they can be my "friend." They may find the information they need to move our interactions into the category of "friendship with agenda." In that case, if they decide to keep visiting my house or I let them, they come to convince me certain rooms need redecorating. I'm not into that kind of friendship.

If you invite me into your house, there are a few things you can be absolutely sure of. I just want to sit at your kitchen table and enjoy you and the space you feel comfortable sharing with me. I want to hear what your heart is saying and feel what you feel inside your house. I want to eat the food you offer and drink your favorite kind of tea. I'm not coming with my own tea bag in my pocket, my own food and my own pictures to hang on your wall so I feel more at home. I want to experience something of you. 

If the entryway is all you want to show me, I'm still honored. If you want to open a few doors, I promise I won't try to redecorate them. I won't even ask you for a tour unless you want to give it. I don't need any room to look any certain way for me to feel comfortable in your house. And if I become safe enough for you to be invited into some of the more vulnerable places, I will hold your messiness and pain close to my heart and keep your stories that live behind closed doors within the safety of our interaction. If one of your rooms should make me catch my breath or trigger a fear or memory of my own, I will simply look at your eyes and remember whose house I'm in. I will be at peace with how you choose to decorate, remodel and live in your house. 

My house is lived in. I believe it's nourishing and peaceful even with some chaos in a room or two or ten. I have some redecorating and remodeling happening in different sections of my house right now. If you can't handle that construction zone, there are plenty of other rooms that are life giving and warm. Ultimately, I'm me. The whole of my house is me. My house does not consist of one room or wing or area. If you reduce me to what you think you find in one room, you will miss the warmth and connection I may be able to offer you while you visit my house. Honestly, if you don't find my house life giving, I am not offended if you move on to find houses that are. I'm only asking that in moving on, you honor the beauty and uniqueness of the whole of my house. 

Every single person on the planet is a precious house filled with rooms and longing to be seen and loved by ones who know what it feels like to truly be "Seen and Loved."

Quote of the Week

Accusations

Before you burn me at the stake, it might be a good idea to look at the clothes you've dressed me in and the logic of your reasoning. If you'd rather just go with the logic of Monty Python, I guarantee I weigh more than a duck.