Artistic Depiction

My dear 8 year old is an artist. 

One of my favorite Christmas gifts

was Ella's depiction of Jesus. 

It makes me feel overwhelmingly happy. 

Happy New Year!

Cleansing

Every year for the last seven years, I do a 40 day cleanse called The Maker's Diet. When I started, I was 80 lbs overweight, struggling with chronic hives, adrenal fatigue, chronic ear infection, candida, arthritis, self hatred and a host of other issues. I needed help. As doctors kept throwing meds at me, unsure of the problems, I took my health into my own hands. I began reading like crazy about healing through whole foods and cleansing. Over the course of 6 months with the help of The Maker's Diet, a colon cleanse, gall bladder cleanse, and candida cleanse, I kicked hives, arthritis symptoms and ear infections, candida was under control, my energy was increasing and I lost 20 lbs.

I was on a journey of changing the way I thought about my body and food. It took three full years to get back to a healthy weight but I did it through learning how to love myself right where I was at, to eat differently and look at food as medicine. I had to break the bondage in my mind concerning weight, body image, food addiction, and more. It wasn't the quick fix or fast track but I have kept the weight off for four years and continue to eat fairly healthy and generally feel great. My body craves the reset every January. I'm in this healthy living style for the long haul.

I'm looking forward to starting the cleanse in a week. My kids, on the other hand, do not look forward to it. I've brought them along for the ride for the last 3 years. They hate starting it but always admit they feel so much better afterward. I just want them to have experience of knowing how their body feels depending on what they put into it. Someday, when they are in college and eating only Cheetos and drinking Pepsi, feeling sick and sluggish, they will know what they need to do in order to find their health and energy.

Here's to a healthier new year!

Personality Tests

I love personality tests. Not to peg or catergorize, but to validate and encourage. This personality test called 16 Personalities, is a short, free test that is accurate among all my friends and students who take it. I use this with my Personal Development class. If you're depressed and bored after the Christmas cheer, maybe take a second to get in touch with you again. Enjoy this little test and the clear descriptions after. My friends and I had a great time last night reading our profiles and commenting on each other. It's a tool that helps me feel seen and known a bit beyond the surface. For the record, I'm an INFJ to the core. :-) Enjoy!

16 Personalities

Merry Christmas

If
as Herod
we fill our lives with things
and again with things
if we consider ourselves so important
that we must fill every moment of our lives
with action
when will we have time
to make the long, slow journey
across the desert
as did the Magi?
Or sit and watch the stars
as did the shepherds?
Or brood over the coming of a child
as did Mary?
For each one of us
there is a desert to travel
A star to discover
And a being within ourselves to bring to life.

                                                   --- Author unknown

Unafraid and Present

I have profoundly healing moments in my counselor's office crying. I am learning the unparalleled value in being emotionally present with someone in their messiest, difficult places and simply allowing them to feel through it. It's what I might call holding space or being present. It's not fixing or feeling sorry for the person. It's not placating or projecting uncomfortability like, "When are you going to be done with this already?" It's not changing the subject or making a joke because you can't handle the intensity. It's simply allowing a person to feel whatever a question may bring to the surface, all the way through to an end or breakthrough. It's being an emotionally safe person. I aspire to this.

Tonight I realized how much I'm learning from experiencing this kind of healing. We had Christmas with my in laws. Aunt Pauline was there. She's 94 and dying of cancer. But I wasn't afraid to just be with her, talk with her about the thing that was on her mind: life and death. She beamed sharing stories of her life. Then the far away look told me she glanced toward her future and it stopped her in her tracks. We held hands. I looked her in the eyes and asked if she's afraid. Tears, small yet significant. A slight nod and then a shameful looking away. My tears were not to be contained as I squeezed her to me and told her she was not alone and that she was brave. 

Once upon a time I wouldn't have asked the question because I would have been unsure of how to respond. Once upon a time I would've felt like my small gesture of holding space for sweet Pauline was insignificant in the face of impending death. But not tonight. I know that Pauline felt seen and known and loved. She may not remember with her mind tomorrow what happened on the couch tonight. But I know without a shadow of a doubt that she will remember with her soul, the depth of love that was poured into her being because I wasn't afraid. And I was intentional. And I let the authentic, deep, healing energy of love and listening penetrate the moment.

Thank you, Dr. Regier for teaching me to be present and unafraid. 

Question of the Week

"If your life is a movie, are you the main character?"

Ode to Chocolate

"Every now and then I'll run into someone who claims not to like chocolate, and while we live in a country where everyone has the right to eat what they want, I want to say for the record that I don't trust these people. . . "   -- Steve Almond

"Chocolate is a permanent thing."  Milton S. Hershey

"Chocolate symbolizes, as does no other food, luxury, comfort, sensuality, gratification, and LOVE!" -- Karl Petzke

"If there's no chocolate in heaven, I'm not going." -- Jane Seabrook

"Forget love - I'd rather fall in chocolate!"  -- Sandra J. Dykes

"Nothing heals the soul like chocolate. . . "  -- Richard Paul Evans

Saying Goodbye

I had an unexpected parting that left me weeping with sentimentality.

My trumpet. Hours of practice, scales, frustration and joy, conquering, first chair, pep band, music festivals. The camaraderie of being part of the band, belonging, escape, music that made me feel alive. Duets, solos, the pure tones of trumpet ringing out over the entire band. I have more depth of joyful memories with that trumpet than with any single thing I have owned.

And I didn't realize it until I pulled it out of storage and packaged it up to ship to my sweet niece who wants to learn to play the trumpet. I am full of joy sending it to her. But even so, I couldn't stop the tears from falling as the tape closed the box that will carry it to Montana. I tried to hold them in. Even willed myself to stop them.

Ascending the stairs in my home, I decided it was silly to hold those tears back. Those tears represented all the life giving moments of making music with that trumpet. So I sat in my bed and cried. And remembered. And smiled. And said thank you. Thank you to my parents for buying that beautiful silver trumpet. Thank you to Creator for having the idea of music. Thank you for the opportunity I had to learn such an enriching skill. Thank you to my band directors who saw my potential and encouraged me. Thank you to my classmates for the memories of band trips and bus rides and competitions galore.

I'm moving on from the trumpet. The reasons I chose to play the trumpet no longer exist. But I am dying to play music again. So I'm going to learn the clarinet. And maybe I have a new love affair waiting for me with the clarinet and Mozart. Maybe when I'm 80 I'll be handing over my love to my great granddaughter who is dying to learn to play the clarinet like her great grandma! Ya' never know. ;-)

Happiness is. . .

. . . Season 4 of Phineas and Ferb on Netflix! I LOVE those characters. I'm particularly fond of Dr. Doofenshmirtz! Not sure what that says about me. But I'm happy.

Practice

It's such a risk to start new things, make changes, learn something I've never done. I'm remembering how much I love learning and how much I hate learning curves. I want to simply be good at this. I want to be a great craniosacral therapist. I want to simply know how to give a great massage. But I'm at the beginning. I have to practice. There is no substitute for simply doing the thing I need to learn over and over and over. It's giving me more sympathy for my kids who are starting new things. Asher has days when practicing saxophone is unbearable. Ella gets frustrated that she's not quite able to do the splits yet. Abiel doesn't like doing anything she can't pick up in 2.5 seconds, and Judah . . . . well, he observes until he's sure he can master it.

I want to always be learning new things rather than staying in the comfortable strengths and hobbies I know. It's stretching my brain, my heart, and my confidence. In the end, I hope I can say I've done what it takes to be as good as I want to be as a therapist. And that will be after many hours of excruciating practice.

Quote of the week

Leaping

Craniosacral Therapy (CST) training was A M A Z I N G! I'm devoted to this healing practice. I can't even begin to explain the supernatural connections, timing, and joy coming from that enormous leap of faith. CST is one avenue I will use to fulfill part of what I am created to do. But I need a massage therapy license to get my hands on people.

Leap of faith number two in the last 9 days: I signed up for a 9 month massage school . . . and I started YESTERDAY! WHAT?! What am I doing? How is this happening? I'm thrilled and overwhelmed and overjoyed all at the same time.

When I stepped across the threshold of my life as a homeschool mom into the inviting, unknown territory of CST training, I had NO idea I'd be starting massage training two days later! I have officially jumped off the cliff of sanity into the thrill of a free fall. I'm confident my parachute will be colorful and functional when I need it to open. Until then, I can hardly catch my breath as I'm flying/falling, trying not to miss a single moment of the unfolding of my dreams.

Feel free to pray for my family as we are in this free fall together! Some of us are more happy about the leap than others. ;) 

Transitions

Life is always in transition. 

Happiness and sadness dwelling 

in virtually the same spaces;

at times only a moment 

separating the two.

Sunset and moonrise;

the passing of day to night.

Both holding beauty,

both full of possibilities.

Can I find the goodness 

in the dark?

I will find the beauty 

there in the

sun's reflected light

of the moon

as it

waxes and wanes.

through this 

transition.

-emie

Quote of the week

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

"How long must I wait in the dark?"

"Until you can see in the dark."

_____________________________
_____________________________

Wide Awake Dreaming

I'm back at the kitchen table at 2 AM remembering the months of blogging at this hour during the most difficult months of my healing journey. Tonight I'm not frustrated. I'm full of adrenaline. I'm dreaming of things I want to do with my life. Dreaming of the environment I want to create for my kids. Dreaming of ways to spring forward into new places opening to me.

I can't sleep because in four hours, I'll be heading to Fresno for four days for Craniosacral Therapy training. This is a door I barely had to touch and it flung open for me. I've been intrigued by and interested in Craniosacral Therapy since I was gifted a session a few years ago. After my car accident, I had several sessions with a wonderful Craniosacral Therapist in town. After seeing her, I knew I wanted to pursue it someday.
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cra·ni·o·sa·cral ther·a·py

ˌkrānēōˈsakrəl,-ˈsākrəl/

noun

1. a system of alternative medicine intended to relieve pain and tension by gentle manipulations of the skull regarded as harmonizing with a natural rhythm in the central nervous system.

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"Someday" came sooner than I anticipated. I'm excited and nervous. I'm wondering how it will all play out. I almost passed up the opportunity simply because I can't see how my dreams will meld together and how this journey will unfold. As I considered the advice I would give a friend in my shoes, I knew I needed to take the leap of faith and go for it without having a solid plan or vision of what this will look like. I will entrust myself to the beauty of the unknowns in this journey.

I'm standing on the threshold of a doorway to new territory. It looks beautiful from here. Wish me well and a wide awake, healthy brain as I work to absorb all the new information over the next four days.

Signing off for some real, deep sleep dreaming . . . I hope!

Seasons of Life

Things continue to be rough on the home front relationally and I feel like I'm in between surviving and living. I'm thrown off by feeling little to nothing. I like feeling. Something. Other than when I'm sobbing in the counselor's office. Every time I go in, I prepare to tell him that I have no emotion to get to. Within 60 seconds of unpacking, I'm wiping snot and saline water off my face. I've decided to stop planning to say that phrase and trust that in a safe space, emotion is actually only seconds away. I'm glad I have a solid belief that nothing lasts forever and all seasons of life are necessary. Otherwise, I'd never even attempt to get out of bed.

Today I'm thankful for the opportunity to be counseled by one of the most intuitive, Spirit led, knowledgable, skilled people I've ever met. I am 100% sold on Emotionally Focused Therapy, not just because I'm an extremely emotional human being. :) If you ever consider counseling, at least look for a therapist who practices EFT. I couldn't recommend it more completely.

Below is a clip from a musician couple I deeply resonate with and admire. They are talking about the winter season and how clarity comes in the winter. This short video reminded me of the purpose of this winter season of my life.

Necessity of Seasons